Dear T: I Need to Tell You Something... Part XIX

Gah, this is why I had originally planned that the first time we use touch would be no later than the middle of a session - so I would have a chance to talk to you about it.
I feel fine about it, and I've done a lot of thinking about it myself. I just want to share it with you. I'm tempted to email you, but I would rather talk to you face to face.
It feels like a physical communication of what I already feel in our sessions. We humans are tactile creatures and it feels good to communicate those feelings in such an inate way. It's also good to know that I won't be triggered or destabilised by the introduction of touch. I imagine that's a concern for you, with the CSA and all that. I'd like to reassure you about that.
Also it feels like now we've hugged, any residual anxiety about what that might be like is out in the open.
I thought of the example from physics of potential energy (before something falls or moves) and kinetic energy (when something is in motion). It feels like we have moved the anxiety from potential anxiety to kinetic anxiety, which (I hope) will allow us just to feel it and let it dissipate. Not sure how much sense that makes, but I'm just figuring it all out.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing you, in exactly one week.

Dear T,

I'm still going to try not emailing you. I don't know if you understand that I feel a loss of connection. It's not about needing to tell you or show you anything in particular. I translate that as "I'm just your job" which means to me that we don't have the outside, additional connection that we used to have. I didn't realize how dependent I was on that.

I am so very grateful that you came out of your office yesterday and had the time and concern to sit next to me for a few minutes. I just couldn't get up and leave! I spontaneously said "hold my hand" and you didn't reject me. I needed that extra connection and you let me have it.
Maybe I need to hold your hand again in my sessions to make up for the lack of outside contact. I don't want our relationship to change but it seems that for me to truly heal, it must.

Love,
Rainbow

I've got a lot to talk about this week. But I am always the quietest when I have a lot to talk about. So I hope you somehow make me speak more this week.

t,

its gonna be weird to see you for the first 5 or 10 min. bear with me. i might be an awkward panda

me

His name is Mxxxxxx, how could you forget that?! We've been talking for almost 2 years about him!!!!!

I should tell you that I don't need the opening I asked for.
I don't want to because I want to see you.
I'm selfish and want to see you every day this week.
Only because it's safe with you and this is really hard stuff to get through.
I shouldn't have asked for a cancellation spot.
I should tell you I don't need it.
But I'm not going to, why?
Because I want it.

I am such a coward and I am not deserving of your time and energy.

You're a SICK man and a CONTROL FREAK. I don't get how the GF can let herself continuously be manipulated by you.

I really don't want to go back to meeting only once a week. Not even on a trial basis. I'm scared and we are making progress but I am getting upset in ways that extend beyond the therapy hour lately. I don't know how to handle that for a whole week at a time. I also dread your upcoming vacation even though it's only a week. So much to talk about tomorrow including this and my odd email from last night.

I'm sorry that i let myself need you and now keep freaking out over texting you no matter how many times you say its ok. I am so confused about where it's ok to need you and where it is to needy. You are so great and as much as i don't want to text is because i want to text so badly because there is nobody else i trust and just knowing you are there sometimes makes all the difference in the world and then other times i read your text response or you don't respond and i fall apart thinking i have really messed things up or you are just barely managing to put up with me.

No matter what, i can already tell this month of vacations is going to be so hard and i don't know how you would think if you knew i needed you that much. I want to tell you so bad but am to scared you will say is to much and pull back.

T,

I wish I'm special to you. I know I'm not. You don't look forward to seeing me, I'm just a patient and part of your job.

Your job gives you blues. You can't think of positive qualities that you like about me except "responsible and committed", generic things ex T also said. Ex T said I was well read and intelligent, hardly endearing qualities, and of course she easily forgot me very quickly.

I can do better than you for my caseload of peers...at least two traits unique to each current and former individual peer, which I admire and respect and like about them.

You can't remember things from last session, even if you say let's talk about this more next session. But we never do.

You put my messages to mute - I know you don't read them because status states so. You don't recall the names of important people I frequently write and talk about.

It's just me always hoping for you to like me, to see me as a unique individual...not just a case.

I'm wanting more than the boundaries allow, I know. I wanted you to take note of my birthday last year, especially because it's on the same patient information sticker as my dang name. But I was stupidly hoping for too much. Invisible, ignored, out of mind. Just like everywhere in work and school and family.

I need to be less attached. You can't even say you feel positive towards me.

So they called me back T. They put me through some pretty invasive questioning but it wasn't hideous. Im going to see them this evening. They talked me a little through the process and Im going to be assigned to someone. I bet you a fiver its a middle aged hippy woman.

I already miss you. And here we have another two sessions off in the next month? This is the fourth missed session in the past three months... during the most tumultuous time of my life.

Do I just happen to have that session time that coincides with all the personal life-events? Or can I personalize this and say that it's because You know I can handle a week off. You know that despite everything I'm actually okay. I picture you looking at your calendar scheduling that other appointment and saying, 'Oh here! This time will do because (WIP) can go a week without meeting. She's just fine.'

*sigh* Of course I know it's not about me. My secret fear is that you have some other job lined up, you're gonna get married, or go off to get your Ph.D. I'd be happy for you in any event but ... damn.

I hope you don't see PC forums.... A little (read: extremely) embarrassing if you did

lol conscience, I think the same thing.. what if he is on here reading everything I say.

I missed seeing you today but I appreciated you texting to tell me next Tuesday is available instead of Wednesday if I wanted. Thanks for saying we can meet early too. Still missed you though. I think I might email you tomorrow.

I'd like to think she doesn't because she doesn't have the time to and why would she be interested in what her clients write online... But sometimes what she says kind of makes me suspect that she reads... but I'm probably just being paranoid (I hope so)!

Dear T,
I had a dream about you last night. You were my teacher and you treated me the same as the other students. I wanted special treatment since you're my T, but I didn't get any and it made me sad. It also makes me sad that the dream is pretty realistic, and that if you really were my teacher it would be like the dream. I want you to care more about me than the other students. Your my T.

I'm in the waiting room T.... I hate this already. I want trees and rocks and solitude! Not this. Not here. Not these surroundings. I wish you were with me

Every time I switch off my rational brain and let my emotions take over all I can hear is that I love you. But when I switch my rational brain back on again I don't think that's true. So what is it that's causing me to think that?

T. Lost now. Gone somewhere, not somewhere too good either. Tried walking, got scared. People laughing, things in my face. Wanted to see you. Under my blanket, need you, it doesn't work without you. Please hold my hand, please be with me. I want you in my heart, don't know how else to describe it. Trying everything. Just tired I think. Maybe sleep but I am due bad dreams, I know it. Need to be kind to myself but why? Oh T, how quickly things can change and I don't think I can tell you why.

I hope you say yes to my offer.

T,

I'll see you Monday evening instead of Friday.

I wonder if you'll schedule my next session on the 22th or the 29th. I hope the former. If it's the latter, it'd be another 3 week interval.

You never tell me in advance about upcoming breaks, you just presume I'm OK. You don't book that slot for me either. Other clients have your email and I don't.

Looking forward to seeing you in Colorado. I'm afraid this time will be very different.

I think the fact you haven't yet broken free from this guy is part of the reason you're having so much trouble moving on.