[Myrto]

I record my sessions so since it's summer break I got the opportunity to listen to some of my sessions more carefully.
Something that struck me is how clueless my therapist seems to be about my romantic life. I'm a lesbian and consequently I don't meet many lesbians /bi women in my every day life and it's just hard : most people are straight and apparently I look straight as well and don't give out any "gay vibe". I've tried online dating but so far it's been frustrating as either women don't respond (which, fair enough I guess) or it doesn't work out as I'm not attracted or we don't click. But my therapist just thinks it's matter of luck: I just think she wants me to wait for luck and the right person will appear. The reality is that there are very few women who are interested in other women and even less I'm attracted to (bear in mind I only like femme lesbians).
My T's point of view is incredibly frustrating as she doesn't seem to get how hard my situation is. I think she's just clueless but tries to relate to my situation and fails.
I don't have much hope regarding my romantic life but I apparently can't convey that to my T.
What would you guys do? Any advice? Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

I have had similar experiences in dating and with my t. I am a femme lesbian and my t doesn't get the dating scene nor does she even try. Most of the time I leave sessions feeling like I am not trying but I do try. I have seen about five different ts and only my first one got how hard it is to date. Four out of five of them said they treat gay relationships the same as straight ones. They are not the same, the same as no two hetrosexual relationships are the same. Every relationship is different regardless of its orientation.
You convey your hope here and perhaps in therapy but your t is not hearing it. I chose not to bring my relationship issues to my various t s as they didn't understand nor try to understand. It's hard to find a t experienced in this area but perhaps there are some ts who have experience with LGBT in your area?

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[Myrto]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I have had similar experiences in dating and with my t. I am a femme lesbian and my t doesn't get the dating scene nor does she even try. Most of the time I leave sessions feeling like I am not trying but I do try. I have seen about five different ts and only my first one got how hard it is to date. Four out of five of them said they treat gay relationships the same as straight ones. They are not the same, the same as no two hetrosexual relationships are the same. Every relationship is different regardless of its orientation.
You convey your hope here and perhaps in therapy but your t is not hearing it. I chose not to bring my relationship issues to my various t s as they didn't understand nor try to understand. It's hard to find a t experienced in this area but perhaps there are some ts who have experience with LGBT in your area?

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Thanks. Yes it' hard to explain how difficult it is to date to a straight therapist. And even straight people struggle on the dating scene so imagine gay people!

My therapist doesn't advertised being LGBT friendly on her website so I assume she's not well versed in those matters. That doesn't mean she's homophobic. Not at all. In my country most people are fine with gay people, they're just clueless. I guess I shouldn't have my hopese up when it comes to gay stuff with mt T. Thanks anyway.

Well perhaps she is well versed but is just not getting your situation, that's frustrating. Doesn't sound like she is homophobic, mine weren't homophobic just idiots when it came to matters they haven't experienced nor could they. I suspect my current t is a bit homophobic and so I don't talk about relationships with her. This sounds important though, it sounds like you really need your t to try and understand.
I find the most frustrating part for them to understand is that there are only about ten other lesbians in my area that I know but I am not at all attracted to the ones who are available, this leaves me with zero options. T then says I am not trying and I say have you not been listening to a word I have said.

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As a straight person, I thank you for this discussion. I've learned a new term and gained some understanding. (I have a long way to go.) I do think there is a learning curve and it isn't about homophobia as you have mention, but just general lack of understanding. I would guess straight therapists are just as equally challenged as the general straight population. These kinds of conversations are helpful.

There's a bit in the new UK BACP professional ethical framework for psychotherapy that says something along the lines of "it is the therapist's responsibility to educate themselves on issues regarding diversity in clients and not to rely on the client to teach them". I think that's really good advice for therapists, in order to encourage inclusively and acceptance.
It would definitely be worth having a discussion with your T if you are not feeling understood on this issue.

I wonder. Do they have coursework or sections of coursework about this? I know when I was going through my educational training, we had courses in diversity, etc., but at that time, LGBTQ wasn't in the equation of those courses. I've had to learn as I've begun to run into these issues now that there is finally so much more openness. It is a clumsy way to learn and I lean on my LGBTQ peers who fortunately are very willing to help me navigate my way to understanding, but I'm in a great position of being able to do so that perhaps not everyone is. I would assume the coursework is changing/catching up?

There is some learning on diversity on my course, but more about how difference affects therapy generally rather than any specific information like in OP's post. It's really up to the individual therapist to engage in their own learning. I see it as part of the professional commitment to the client.

[SarahSweden]

I can relate a bit to this, that a T doensn´t get a problem or how big that problem feels or is. I wonder how you experience that your T doesn´t get you? Is she saying the "wrong" things, does she feel ignorant or something else?

I feel for you, to open up and then not receiving the support you need is very hard.

Originally Posted by Myrto

I record my sessions so since it's summer break I got the opportunity to listen to some of my sessions more carefully.
Something that struck me is how clueless my therapist seems to be about my romantic life. I'm a lesbian and consequently I don't meet many lesbians /bi women in my every day life and it's just hard : most people are straight and apparently I look straight as well and don't give out any "gay vibe". I've tried online dating but so far it's been frustrating as either women don't respond (which, fair enough I guess) or it doesn't work out as I'm not attracted or we don't click. But my therapist just thinks it's matter of luck: I just think she wants me to wait for luck and the right person will appear. The reality is that there are very few women who are interested in other women and even less I'm attracted to (bear in mind I only like femme lesbians).
My T's point of view is incredibly frustrating as she doesn't seem to get how hard my situation is. I think she's just clueless but tries to relate to my situation and fails.
I don't have much hope regarding my romantic life but I apparently can't convey that to my T.
What would you guys do? Any advice? Thoughts? Thanks in advance.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I wonder. Do they have coursework or sections of coursework about this? I know when I was going through my educational training, we had courses in diversity, etc., but at that time, LGBTQ wasn't in the equation of those courses. I've had to learn as I've begun to run into these issues now that there is finally so much more openness. It is a clumsy way to learn and I lean on my LGBTQ peers who fortunately are very willing to help me navigate my way to understanding, but I'm in a great position of being able to do so that perhaps not everyone is. I would assume the coursework is changing/catching up?

Here in Ireland, it is not part of the course that I did and I looked specifically for training in this area. Sexuality was a workshop we did for one weekend workshop and it was not about sexual orientation but more about our sexual beliefs and how this countries sexual repression has a had a long lasting affect on how we view sexuality as a whole.
I do believe that you have touched on a very good point here Lola, there is a huge gap in training course around this and as a therapist about 50% of my clients come to me with sexual problems and some with sexuality issues. I have had to enrol in extra course at my own expense and will be taking a class this year on psychosexual issues. I am not surprised a lot of therapists remain ignorant and unaware of the difficulties and complexities of these relationships, not just LGBT relationships but there is a whole new language and terminology used now that therapists need to be aware of when working with already vulnerable clients. I agree with the BACP ethics in that therapists should educate themselves and not expect clients to educate them. There is also the issue of therapists knowing their limits and their qualifications and I believe a lot of them have no business working with this clientele. I find that if they have worked with one client who happens to be gay they out it on their website stating they have experience working with these clients.
I had to ask one of my ts who had on their website they had experience what exactly their experience was, they said they had had two clients who were gay. I said but thats not training or experience, needless to say, they were not impressed.