[elevatedsoul]

i feel bad.. because i cant seem to ever remember what the therapist tells me..
im not sure what im supposed to be doing, besides i guess try to stay in the present... but the little things she said to do to try to help that i remember dont really seem to make this... fog... go away... what am i suposed to do to not be just wasting everyones time..? she knows that i cant really remember ... pretty much anything... but i dont want to make her mad and she think im not trying... because i am just not able to think so well... and my memory is really broken right now... but its complicated i guess because i've been doing it for so long nothing really looks too wrong on the surface.. atleast to most people.. i guess, i mean i dont think anyone really believes me... but this sucks... seems like i cant find anyone to relate or believe me.. im just tired.. and feel like im wasiting everyones time because im so complicated... so hard to live in many worlds

[ScarletPimpernel]

You can ask if she can write down certain things. My T does this for me. This week we were talking about things to tell myself when I'm tired of the emotional pain. We went through a bunch and I knew I would forget them. So she wrote them out.

You might also try tape recording. I know a lot of people here do it and find it helpful.

[elevatedsoul]

oh dear, i really dont like recording stuff
no pictures or video either, i cant bare to see how i act

well i told her and she said that it would definitely seem that im dissociating...
i just dont know what im suposed to do to help it... because i think maybe i dont want to stop because of different reasons... its just really breaking my memory and maybe im losing a lot of time...

the worse case scenario i think is it turns out to be a

Possible trigger:

brain tumor

??? i just know something is wrong and i want them to help me i just think no one can help me now... my brain is rogue, i hate wasting time

she does print a couple of these things out for me.. thats how i remember to try those exercises... its just so bad, how can it be so bad

ugh... just getting tired of this... thats all...

[Argonautomobile]

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Hang in there.

[cinnamon_roll]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

well i told her and she said that it would definitely seem that im dissociating...
i just dont know what im suposed to do to help it... because i think maybe i dont want to stop because of different reasons... its just really breaking my memory and maybe im losing a lot of time...
[...]
she does print a couple of these things out for me.. thats how i remember to try those exercises... its just so bad, how can it be so bad

I feel for you. I tend to go numb/dissociate whenever I'm emotionally overwhelmed or frightened. On the outside everything seems normal. And it took us (therapist and me) quite a while to catch on to what is happening.

Basically, dissociating is your brain trying to protect you from emotional overload. It's some form of coping strategy that probably at some point in your life was life-saving for you. Problem is: it's not longer really helpful but hindering you from getting better. So it's time now to un-learn this coping strategy. Which takes time. After all, it took you a long time to 'learn' to dissociate that effectively. So it will take time and exercise to start re-building different strategies.

From what you write, it seems that your therapist gave you exercises that might be helpful. If they don't help, talk to your T about it, and start experimenting in adapting those exercises. This is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Strategies that one person might find helpful aren't helpful to the next person... And it's not a straight road. It takes trial and error, and trying again different things. So be patient with yourself and give yourself time. This time is definitely not wasted!

Wishing you all the best,
c_r