T and my brother...

I'm really sad and struggling. I think this shouldn't be a big deal, but...

I recently saw my ex-T because I've had a really rough year, and have been depressed. He's going to help me find somebody that might be a better fit.

T specializes in addiction, and my brother is basically homeless (now living with a friend), an addict, trying to recover on his own. When we first talked about it, I hadn't talked to my brother in years... my mom gave him my address when he was in jail, without my permission, and my brother wrote to me. I started writing back, b/c I felt really bad for him.

At the time, T took an interest in my brother. He gave me some helpful advice about the situation, but he also seemed to over-empathize a bit with my brother... he'd ask about my brother when I didn't bring it up, give me advice that I didn't ask for, and even once brought in a book to show me... in the sense of "this is a good book for addicts, you might want to look at it and see if you want to send a copy to your brother."

At the time, I was really sad... and I think I told T, it seemed like he cared more about my brother than me.



Anyway. Fast forward to the recent session. I talked about my brother's current situation. T said that I was welcome to give my brother his phone number, and he'd spend a few minutes talking to him about things like why he needs to go to rehab.

I thought this sounded great. My T is very experienced with this stuff, and also really direct. I've been trying to convince my brother to go to rehab, but he's trying to do it all on his own.

They connected, my brother called me afterwards, it was great. It was really, really kind of my T to do this. Apparently, my T also told him that he can call whenever he wants, that T is always available for a quick phone call, and I think that T wants to check in on him (or maybe wants my brother to call back) in a week to see how he's doing?

That's awesome. But, it's also sending me into a pretty bad spiral of depression.

I saw my T for a year and a half. I didn't feel understood or really very well supported at all. I felt like he consistently didn't understand me. Even basic things... I felt invalidated (I was afraid to travel for work b/c of the TSA, T told me that "you shouldn't be afraid! Some people would consider it a vacation!"; I hate my job and feel like it's killing me, and T can't understand why at all, etc.)

I feel like there's not enough help, therapy, or caring in the world. And some people manage to get everything they need, and I don't understand why I can't be one of those people? Am I so awful that even Ts can't muster up some caring? T would say that he cared... but then invalidate my feelings. I felt very, very alone while I was seeing T... very much like I was still alone and nobody cared about what I was feeling. And now, T is being like "super T!" with my brother.

I feel... so utterly hopeless. OMG. Crying on and off all evening. And, I've got to drive out to the country tomorrow to see my relatives that are vacationing... ugh.

And, what makes it harder is that I wouldn't want to take the support away from my brother. I know he needs it... but part of my issues, which I've been upfront about with T, is that it seems like my emotions/feelings/pain/whatever never mattered, because I did too well to attract any attention. You know - I'm always "OK" - I did well in school, didn't get in fights or drink or do drugs, have a professional job. I have my stuff together, on the outside. And nobody cares about the inside.

I think some people here have let a family member talk to their T (to help the family member) - did you go through anything similar? How on earth did you deal with it? I feel so unreasonable, but really sad and alone and lacking anyway. Thanks.

I haven't had a similar situation, but I do think I would feel hurt and betrayed as you do. It's nice of T to want to help your brother, but he was your T first. I would imagine it feels a little like he's "choosing" your brother over you by being so solicitous when he hasn't been in your own T.

I think you should share this with him--give him the chance to tend to you a little, or give you the chance to reevaluate what you want and can expect from him.

Also, hugs to you for caring about your brother's well being despite his history with you.

I don't think your therapist should be this involved in your brother's life. I do know what you mean about always seeming OK, so people overlook your needs.

Can you lay it on the line with him?

Oh, and I'm alarmed by the TSA too (on several fronts). It's pretty common, I think.

So sorry that you're going through this. I can understand the thought that you're doing well on the surface so people think your should feel great! It's sad that a T can't see beyond this surface, because that is their job.

It sounds like this T was just not a good fit for you and your needs. Have you found a different therapist, or could you do this? There isn't always a good fit between what we need and what T can offer. I'm fortunate in that my T is not distracted by my surface functioning and is genuinely interested in how things are going underneath the surface.

It's good that your brother is getting the help he needs. That doesn't have to mean that you don't get the help you need, though.

Thank you all so much for the validation... it really means a lot.

I'm not sure that I should talk to him (the T) about this. That's part of what feels crazy to me, technically, I'm on my way out. I quit in January, and only went back b/c I was having a difficult time and hadn't found a new T. But, theoretically, I'd like to keep him as a... back up T, I guess? Someone to touch base with if I need to in the future?

And, T is supposed to be helping me find a new T. I wrote up what I want in a T, and he was supposed to send a request to his email network of Ts. He told me that he thought he'd get maybe 10 or so responses, he's going to vet them a bit for me, and send me the ones that he thinks are good fits. Then, I'm going to look them up online, figure out who I think looks best, and set up initial appointments.

This is also really nice of him (assuming he vets them, I'm hoping he does, I think he'll be good at ruling out unstable, unprofessional Ts).

But I'm anxious, b/c I haven't heard from him yet. He sent me a draft of the email on Tuesday morning and I OK'ed it, but... it's been silent since then. I'm afraid that no Ts are going to want me, and my T hasn't figured out how to nicely tell me that yet !

Skeksi - thank you for understanding (and thanks for the hugs, it's a hard situation)!

Atisketatasket - thanks, and I'm glad that someone else gets the "you're too good to have mental problems" stuff. It's hard. For me, I coped with a lot of my family crap when I was young by retreating to schoolwork... so I did awesome at school, that was my happier-than-home place!

And thanks for getting the TSA stuff. It boggles my mind how he can't understand the issues that I have with that... it was incredibly frustrating, especially having to travel for work (thankfully rare), which means I can't just say, "oh gosh, I'd rather not, thanks!".

MobiusPsyche - thanks, and you're right... it's weird because this T isn't a good fit for me in so many ways, but there are a couple things that he did really, really well (much better than my previous awful Ts). Not everything, but a couple things that really helped.

Anyway, I'm still looking for a new T... it's really hard though. I'm a pretty "challenging" client (my T's words!) and really, really need someone who has dealt with their own stuff (I've made previous Ts cry, not on purpose, but.. having a T sitting across from you, crying, saying, "I know I'm a good T... but... " *sigh*).

And, yes, thanks... Ts should be able to see below the surface. That wasn't something that I felt like I was getting here. Hope I can find one that is better at that. Thank you.

I can relate a fair bit to your entire post.

While my T fortunately has always told me "This is your session, not your brother's. I don't care about him and want to hear about you.", every one I talks to such as caseworkers and other people with mental illness always focus on my brother. They always ask about him, pressure me to help him out, and so on. My brother was also violent to me growing up, but people frequently guilt trip me saying that I should care more about him, no matter what he has done.

Like you, I was always OK, not the troubled soul he is, and so I've always been invisible.

I'm so so angry that your T is doing this. He is reinforcing your beliefs that you don't matter.

You MATTER. You are HIS patient, not your brother. He should NOT be doing this.

You deserve a T who does their basic job - being YOUR T.

I know i feel terribly guilty and horrible for resenting the interest people I know show in my brother. And horribly ashamed that I hate him for his treatment of me, and also sad that he's suffering.

You wrote that you didn't think it "should be a big deal", but it IS. Your brother can find his own T. His own supports. He doesn't have to take YOURS. You shouldn't have to "share" your T with him.

You deserve care, help...to have your needs attended to. Not a continuation of always being an afterthought.

HUGS!

Sorry if I sound incoherent, your post stirred up a lot of emotion.

Oh wow, I am really sorry this has happened to you. I just wanted to say I would feel like you do. I would feel invalidated, unheard, rejected and used in a way. Used because your t was using your time to gather information about your brother. What is his strange fascination with him? Is there an alterior motive, does t know your brother?
I find this wrong and unethical on so many different levels. Where is the duty of care to you, his client. What about confidentiality and non maleficence. Did your t even once think about what he was doing here? Using your time and sessions to talk about a brother who had been abusive to you in the past and to empathise and offer to help him instead of you. This is unbelievable. Does your t realise that he is not supposed to do any of this?
I am sorry for ranting on but I am shocked by your ts behaviour. You matter not your brother( for your therapy) the concern should be your well being not his. I am wondering how you are feeling about it now you have wrote it on here and see that you and only you should matter to your t. They cannot use clients to gather new potential clients, I wonder was your confidentiality breached and did your t and brother discuss you? I don't want to alarm you but I would get as far away from this t as possible

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That sounds very hard to deal with and I really hope that you hear back from him soon about any potential new Ts. Hugs to you.

I would be devastated if my T took more interest in my (violent crazy) sister than in me. I'm so so sorry you're going through this.

Why not just tell your T you're hurt by the interest he shows in your brother?

If I'm in your shoes, I approach the situation by 1.) expressing how feel about the fact that he seems to take more interest in your bother than he does you, 2.) your therapy sessions are your therapy sessions, not your brother's and 3.) going forward your brother is off limits unless you truly want to bring him up in your sessions. (This one may require you to draw boundaries; for instance, implicitly telling him questions about your brother like how's he doing and so on will are not up for discussion.)

The guy - regardless of what is his specialty is or what type of clients interest him - works for you. Period.

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My t abandoned and discarded me for another. He infiltrated my life in the most malicious fashion. He should lose his license for hurting me so badly. He destroyed my life. He used me for YEARS and continues to do so. No one is helping me either. I pray to God this T gets what he deserves for destroying me and I will pray your T gets it too.

Thank you all so much for your support... it's been a big help. And, I'm actually feeling a little better about it. It still sucks, but a lot of what sucks is that I don't have a person like my T in my life... and my T can't (apparently) be that person for me. For some reason, he just doesn't "get" my stuff... he continually doesn't understand where I'm coming from.

So, as I said, I'm actually ending therapy with him - not b/c of my brother, but because he's not able to understand myself (and thus, he can't empathize at all!). It's really bizarre and un-T-like... but I've seen it over and over again. And, when he doesn't understand... all the explanation in the world doesn't seem to help.. he just plain doesn't get me.

This makes me sad. I wish he could be the right T for me, but he's clearly not. He's great with addicts though, very experienced and apparently really gets their stuff very well. So, I am glad that my brother has access to him... as I said, my brother just got out of jail, has been homeless, is now living with a friend, and really doesn't have the resources to find a good T on his own.

So, I'm doing better. I do agree that, if I were still seeing this T, I would not ever, never never never, want him talking to my brother. And this has been a good lesson for me, now I know that with absolute certainty! But - since I don't plan to see this T anymore (we don't even have any more sessions scheduled) - I think it will all be OK.

I'm still a little sad, but it's more about not having a therapist that understands me and is there for me. But, we're working on that...

Thank you all again for the support and validation, I appreciate it!

Thanks QuietMind... I definitely tend to feel "invisible" too. When we went through this last time (when he was showing a lot of care/interest for my brother), I did tell him that I felt like he'd rather have my brother as a client and that he seemed more concerned with him... so he clarified that no, he cared about me, I'm his client, etc. And, at the time, it actually did seem to stop. But it was such a weird experience... to have him come in and out of the blue be like, "oh, here's a book that I thought your brother might like!"... I wasn't really interested in even looking at it, that wasn't on my agenda for the day and I hadn't planned to send him any books. Ugh. Thanks... it will be OK... hopefully he helps me find a really good T who actually gets me, and then maybe I can move forward (fingers crossed). *hugs*.

Monalisasmile - thank you, I appreciate the rants, so it's OK . I think that the "fascination" is that my brother is an addict, and my T is really, really good and experienced at treating addicts. I think that, for him, that's an easy thing to get his head around and jump in and help... and he probably felt a bit useless with me, since I'm not only not an addict, but a really difficult person to get to know and to treat in therapy (I have a long history of failed therapy attempts). I think it was just his brain feeling happy that there was something he could understand and help with!

And yup, I'm getting away! I actually left in January, but just returned for help finding a new T, b/c it's been a hard year and I'm not having any luck on my own. He's willing to pre-screen Ts for me, and try to find somebody who can handle my issues and be a decent, stable person for me... so I really appreciate that he's willing to do that. I don't think all Ts would be willing to spend the time to do that (I've never had any of the previous therapists offer to do anything like that!)

Waterbear - thank you! And *hugs* back to you! I hope he gets back soon too, I'm getting nervous waiting!!!

CassyO - thank you! Crazy siblings are so hard to deal with, aren't they? Almost as bad as crazy parents

Dtrain0802 - thanks! I've told him, the last time this came up. And, in this case, I'm the one who passed his number on to my brother. I don't have any more sessions scheduled with him and he's helping me find a new T, so at this point, I feel like talking to him about it might just.... I don't know, unnecessarily beat him up when he's trying to be helpful? You know what I mean? I'd talk about it if I were going to keep seeing him, but... since I'm not, it feels pointless. Though, it does cement for me that I can't really keep him as a back-up T for the future. But, I'm not sure he would have been great for that anyway, since he doesn't really understand my stuff, so talking to him isn't really that helpful for me.

Since I'm *not* going to be seeing him, I don't want to take him away from my brother. My brother needs all the support he can get, and I hope that my T can help him stay on track with sobriety. That wouldn't be the worst thing...

4R0ar1ng - I'm so sorry that you were hurt like that... I hope you're able to get some distance from you (ex?) T and find someone who can help and support you. It sounds like a really awful situation... *hugs*.

Thanks everyone...

Hi, so sorry you're having this bad time. One thing that has really struck me before is how caring and helpful you are to the people in this forum. And yet . . .where is the caring in the world for YOU? Maybe I'm projecting something because I was that way a lot -- doing for the "family" and somehow believing that would make everything OK and everybody would then be there for everybody, including me. Nope, not so. So disappointing.

My heart aches for you . . .I'm just a person on PC but I care. Maybe there are others in your world that do, too? Maybe those other relatives? Wishing you the best . . . and soon!

I am so sorry. I'd be hurt too. I hope you find new t to support you the way you deserve

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I just got back from visiting the relatives (it was a short trip). It was actually not terrible - everyone was really nice to me and the kids are awesome. But, I didn't sleep well... and it was a very loud environment, so I'm feeling pretty crappy now and need to take a nap.

I got home to find an email from the T... that just said, "Please call me." I felt like throwing up, but I did... it turns out that he only got one response to my request, and she's a bit farther out than I'd like (though I'll look her up to be sure). And, she's not on my insurance.

So, it feels like... I was right. There's not really anyone around who can help me. It feels a little hopeless right now, but hopefully I'll feel better after I actually get some sleep.

Here Again... thank you! That's so kind of you, I teared up reading it.

Divine1966 - thanks, I appreciate the good thoughts...

Oh Guilloche, your T is out there, for sure. Best wishes to you and thinking of you.

Thank you so much Waterbear. I just... ugh. I wish my T hadn't set the expectation that there'd be a lot of responses. I was worried that this would happen!

And, I feel like he's dropped me now. We didn't set up another session. I told him that I had had a rough year and was struggling, and... it just feels a bit like there's nowhere for me to go now.

I think I need to call the back-up T that we talked about. But, I was really hoping that my T would call in advance and make sure she was up to seeing me, accepting new clients, and could give her enough of a history to help her get started with me (without the checklist). But I don't think that's going to happen.

I don't even know if she'd be a good match for me, but I guess I can't know until I meet her.

Ugh, I'm exhausted... and my AC is creating a bad smell. I turned it off, but now it's too hot. And, I called the AC people SIX WEEKS AGO and haven't gotten a response.

I don't get why things are so hard? These don't seem like they should be the difficult things in life... you know?

Thanks.