It isn't right

Therapy with my T is hard work. Not the therapy, that is obviously going to be hard work, but it feels like it is hard work with my T. This T is only my second and she is so different to my old T and I find it such a struggle. Often I don't feel understood, like she totally misses the point of what I am saying even when I have tried explaining it. Even if she says she understands I don't think she does. I don't look at her so I have no idea what her face is saying but from her voice and words it just seems like she is lost and floundering a lot of the time.

My old T was reassuring too, like today in session I told T that I felt guilty for ruining my parents lives, that, even though there were reasons, a lot of what happens was my fault. That was a massive thing for me to admit but all I got back was silence. I mean it is hard because there is a lot of silence in my therapy and a lot of it is needed or wanted and helps me talk but sometimes I just need her to say something and she doesn't. I wanted her to tell me that it wasn't all my fault, that it couldn't have been, that there were too many forces at play, or that it isn't a matter of blame, or anything along those lines but nothing, in her silence I hear, yes, you realise it is your fault, that is good.
Even when she did say something it just didn't have the effect that I needed. I need that voice, that voice that tells me I am OK, that I am not a bad person, that it wasn't my fault.

We have spoken about this in the past and I get that it just isn't her style. She accepted that she could see the work that I had been doing with old T and that how what I was explaining to her tied into it. That I didn't have those voices growing up and that I need them now, and yet she doesn't say things like that to me. She did in an email last week say that I am strong and brave and have a richness in me which was totally unexpected to be honest and I wish she could be more like that in session but I don't want to bring it up again because I have already done so and it didn't have an effect.

I think it comes down to attunement, that is what I struggle without. I already feel like an alien in this world and I had hoped that therapy would be the one place that I didn't have to feel like that. Don't get me wrong, it isn't always like this but it happens often enough for it to be a concern for me. I know I was lucky with old T because it was as if she could read my mind, had lived my life, knew where I was coming from and where I was going to. It wasn't always like that and she did get it wrong but it was like 90% right and 10% wrong as opposed to 70% wrong and 30% right which is what it feels like now. Having experienced sessions with my old T I want that so badly that it hurts. I want to work with her even though I know I can't.

I feel horrible for even saying that because my T is so patient and accepting, willing to listen and try and adapt to me. She is giving and caring and I do believe that she genuinely wants to help (sometimes) but she just doesn't seem to get me and if that is true then I wish she would just tell me.

We speak a bit about understanding and I keep saying that it is most important got me that my T understands me, whereas she says that it us most important that I understand myself. I wonder whether she has not had that connection and closeness and understanding missing in her life and whether, for that reason, she just cannot see where I am coming from. I don't know.

Has anyone ever felt like this and reached that point of attunement and understanding with their T? If so, how long did it take, how did you manage to keep going without it and what happened to help your T 'get' you?

ETA we have been working together twice a week for five months now so equivalent of 10 months.

Yes. I feel like my T still struggles to understand some things. One thing we have discussed ad nauseum is that she won't generally say thjngs like " I don't want you to hurt yourself. I care what happens to you".
She feels like "I already say I love you. So obviously I care what happens to you. That's already self evident"
And over and over I would say "NO!! My mother said sheoved me. She also bought me razor blades and told me to kill myself. She taught me how to make myself throw up because I was fat. It is NOT self evident to me!! Its absolutely NON evident to me!!!!"

Time is a lot of it. We've been talking about this for a couple years and she finally has started to GET it. She's started to get that "love" and abuse are so linked for me that I constantly need it spelled out that real love is not like that.
Lots of time. Lots of incredibly difficult conversations. Lots of tears. Lots of explaining to her over and over and over exactly what I need.

Also my T is humble, and incredibly loving.

I think it can take a lot of time to reach that sort of attunement

Thank you. More time. One step at a time and hard conversations, thank you. I don't have an awful lot of patience and I was so lucky to have met someone in this world who truly seemed to get me but it just does make this with new T so much harder. I think we need to have that difficult conversation again. Tears may come in the future, I hope. Thank you.

I struggled a lot with current T in the beginning. I kept saying "You're not listening to me!" Part of the problem was that ex-T was still part of the equation. Current T was playing middleman. It took us at least 3 months to finally get on the right track. The turning point was two things. First was that I had a complete breakdown on her because she wasn't listening/understanding. It was so bad that I told her that she had to help me or I was going straight to the hospital. The second thing was all communication with ex-T was finally over.

I would suggest to keep talking to your T about it. The relationship is important. Also, listen to your gut. Is this the right T for you? I knew I wanted to work with current T which is why I was willing to put forth effort (pain) to make it work (and I'm glad I did).

If i were your t, or your friend or whatever, and you told me, "i ruined my parents' lives" - well, would i want to contradict you, if thats how you felt? Why should i bully my opinion over yours? Or do i know you well enough to judge or assume that you are exaggerating? Maybe this is just a bad example to go by?

I get that Unaluna and I think this is a big part of why she won't contradict but a part of me just wants to say 'god damn it man can you just be normal with me and say what you are thinking'. I liked it when old T used to say that it wasn't a matter of blame, that what happened wasn't anyone's fault, that it just was. Yeah, old T is massively still in the equation. I just got done drafting her an email. We haven't communicated in over 2 months but I long for her still and do think that is affecting everything.

I don't know whether I should send it or not. A part of me thinks I should because she persuades me to try, to carry on trying and explains things in such a normal way to me that I think it would help.

I don't want to leave this T, I do want to make it work because on all other fronts she is so utterly amazing, but what is all of that when lacking the basic understanding. I can't imagine me doing this with anyone else (except old t) and I already exhausted most of the other Ts in the area, the wide area, when searching, emailing and interviewing them. The fit seems right in a lot of ways and I really guess it is just time and effort. But I want to be Abel to be frustrated and upset and annoyed because she doesn't understand.

That in itself is a huge sign of improvement because i struggle to feel feelings and those are really not safe emotions for me to feel, let alone to share with anyone and I might be on the verge if sharing them with her.

Maybe her point in doing that is for you to figure it out for yourself. It seems to me like you realize it's not all your fault. I think that's maybe her point in doing that is for you to figure it out for yourself as you were doing.

That too but I know in my rational mind it wasn't my fault, of course it wasn't. She know the difference between my rational and irrational minds. There is nothing to 'figure out' in that respect except for how on earth is my rational thinking supposed to influence my feeling. Or isn't it. Is that the point. That this is about feeling not thinking. I feel as though I ruined my parents lives. Not I did ruin my parents lives. What does that feel like then. Guilt.

Thank you. Interesting. Still doesn't help with the fact that she doesn't seem to be on the same planet as me though but honestly, thanks for that input, it made me think.

If its any consolation, i did not think current t and i were a good match at first, not for a long while. But i think that helped me to express myself better. Like a chick NEEDS to do the work of breaking out of its shell to gain the strength to survive. Even if your t understands you - oh wait, i see.

I was going to say, is the rest of the world going to accommodate you in this way. Well how about a temporary accommodation from t? Okay, but it should be symbolic, to where you FEEEEEL cared for in this way, but you still do the work to communicate without hyperbole.

My T and I both crack up now after a moment when I say "but you don't UNDERSTAND!!!!"
Because I have finally been able to acknowledge that what that actually means is "I don't like that you aren't agreeing with me"

For example I will go on about how my. Mom was right to do the things she did because I am physically repulsive.

And she'll say something like "you need to stop accepting your mom's voice as the right one"

And I'll exasperatedly say, loudly "but you don't UNDERSTAND!!!"

We have been having this conversation for two years and at this point we both crack up and then she says
"Nope. I just don't agree with you"

Also my T is totally cool with me having a mini tantrum if I don't think she is getting what I'm saying...

I've forgotten the circumstances of your termination with your first T. Did she move away? Is it possible for you to have phone or Skype sessions? If she was so much better for you, then possibly you could still do therapy with her?

I'm not saying it can't work with your current T but struggling and feeling frustrated isn't good either. I hope that it gets better for you.

Thanks Bay. I feel that it could go something like that with this T too in time. I think she would love for me to have a mini tantrum actually because at least then I would be freely expressing myself!! Glad your T is OK with that too and seems pretty real to me.

I feel very similar with my new T. For a long time she has not felt like quite the right fit. We are working on better communicating with each other but its hard when my last T as such a perfect fit. I miss not having to explain everything and someone who knew me better than I know myself. My old T was also so warm and soft and loving and my new T is the polar opposite. I miss my old T and our sessions and the way she was and I think I always will. I need to move on with this new T and accept that she is different. I think its normal to miss your old T when its hard to make a connection with a new one. I am glad I am not alone in this. I hope things improve for you.

I'm sorry that love and abuse are linked for you. When I read that, it struck a chord w/me, though I don't know why, exactly. A question formed...Is your love for someone linked to abuse? Can you love someone, maybe your T, or someone else, without feeling all love is linked to abuse? I hope not, but the question is bumbling around in my head like a dust bunny in a storm.

For me, someone loving me is both wonderful and terrifying. Wonderful because I need it and it feels beautiful. Terrifying because I am convinced they will hurt me.

Loving someone else is different. In that case I am afraid that the person doesn't want my love, which I view as contaminating. I love rather easily but I rarely communicate my love for fear that the other person doesn't want it.

Of course, its considerably better than it used to be. But those are the two basic struggles

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone that posted. I had one of those difficult conversations with my T today and I think it might have really helped both of us, and hopefully it will help us moving into the future too. For those interested I have posted in the in session thread but just wanted to express my thanks here because everything you all said helped me to realise that I have to give it time and I have to help. I was very lucky to have had a pretty rare connection with old T but that doesn't often happen and my T is so amazing in so many ways that it definitely is the right thing to do to stay with her and build our relationship, helping her to understand me.