[PinkFlamingo99]

Im scared. Im on a 30 day legal hold which means i cant leAve the ward for anythjng right now. I didnt want to stay and this started as involuntary but now I'm glad i'm safe. But it's been 8 days and I'm still really unwell. Suicidal and spending all day in bed crying, headaches from the overdose. I'm so I'm afraid they will think I am not making enough progress and will break the hold and discharge me while I'm still suicidal. Which is ironic since it was involuntary and I was going to leave. So scared of going home while I'm suicidal if I'm honest.

They will discharge me if I still feel this sick and make no progress. I'm scared because I feel so actively suicidal still, after 8 days. I should try to pretend I'm getting better or something. I'm so so scared of hurting myself. The overdose was accidental, it was supposed to just make me out of it. I blacked out while trying to make myself feel out of it enough to

Possible trigger:

cut my arteries with a miniature electric circular saw that I bought for that purpose

.

I'm scared and anxious. I'm under court order so i cant leave the ward, but they could break the hold and send me home like this, especially for not making enough of an effort to get better and all I do is lie in bed and cry. It's so anxiety provokinh that I know I will harm myself if I leave, but I have no power (legally. I'm not even allowed out for the 15 minute "smoke breaks" most people get because I'm a "flight risk." The power is all theirs though. I can go from this to being back home as soon as they decide I'm too sick and not getting better enough. They won't increase my antidepressant, they say it has to come from knside me but I don't get why they won't try increasing something that helps and giving me just a little help. I'm suffering and scared.

If being here isn't helping fast enough, they will discharge me, and nothing is different. They refuse to raise my medication that helps. The inpatient pdoc just said "no, Parnate is ****." I have no choice about leaving here, they will send the cops aftrr me if somehow I get through the 2 locked doors, but they could discharge me tomorrow and I hate to admit it (because I'm involuntary), but I'm terrified to go home. The power is 100% theirs. No med change or anything. Nothing is different. I'm scared and nobody will even tell me if I'll still be here in a day or a week or if theyre gojng to try to change something. I have no idea what's going on. I'm so anxious and terrified. I take Ativan, lie in bed and cry because I'm not well at all.

[ThisWayOut]

I am so sorry you're going through this. I looked up your patient rights for Canada and foound this, it's the only practical thing I can think of to help (I live in England)

CAMH: Understanding your rights

[LonesomeTonight]

Sending you big hugs...I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and scared right now.

Do you get any sort of therapy in there? Or anything else to try to help you feel better?

[Out There]

Wishing you peace Pink. I don't understand why discharging someone who is clearly unwell is supposed to help. Can you ask to speak to the head person to get an idea of what they feel would be a good treatment plan ? I'm sorry you're feeling anxious and scared and hope you feel more settled soon.

I hope they are able to help you. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[PinkFlamingo99]

They said last time I would get better just doing my regular outpatient and discharged me but if I'm here by court order, I can't decide to leave. The power is one sided.

[unaluna]

Is this the first time youve been legally involuntary? Clearly they feel whatever happened crossed a line, so they are treating it differently this time? Do they know about the device, or does that even matter? Are you worried about being sent home and its still there? Cuz that seems like stg you should tell them about. Its hard to decipher what you are feeling. Duh, huh

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Is this the first time youve been legally involuntary? Clearly they feel whatever happened crossed a line, so they are treating it differently this time? Do they know about the device, or does that even matter? Are you worried about being sent home and its still there? Cuz that seems like stg you should tell them about. Its hard to decipher what you are feeling. Duh, huh

No I've been involuntary before. They made someone throw it away. I'm scared of being discharged whild I'm still suicidal.

[growlycat]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It makes me mad that they aren't adjusting your meds. Would they tell a cancer patient no more chemo for you because some mystical bs that has to come from inside? Why is it that mental illness it is hardly treated in a medical capacity?? I am so angry for you. They aren't giving you more therapy either so might as well just lock you in a room. I hate the state of mental health treatment. Lots of hugs to you but a punch to the face of your "caretakers.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I basically am locked in a room. I'm in an "intensive ward" consisting of a hallway and 6 rooms. No privileges to go outside. My room was searched and everything vaguely sharp renoved. (My fault), but I wish they would try putting up my AD.

[growlycat]

When I was inpatient years ago I remember the same what's-the-point nature of inpatient. We had the same once a week therapy and maybe a group now and then but nothing more that what you could get outpatient. In any other illness you would get the extra care you need. Have you been in touch with your outpatient t yet? Hang in there

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

No I've been involuntary before. They made someone throw it away. I'm scared of being discharged whild I'm still suicidal.

That clarifies what youre saying, for me.

I would guess that a reason they dont want to simply increase your meds and just "make you feel better", is that they realize that would be a temporary fix. Maybe they figure, if they can keep you feeling edgy but safe, you will feel safe enough to talk your feelings rather than act them out.

So right now if you just feel like crying, why not? Why not be real?

Pretending one way or the other isnt going to do anybody any good. Thats trying to control the outcome, but you dont even know what to DO to get you the outcome you want. Im not even sure you know what outcome you want.

Just worry about the present moment. Or rather, Deal with the present moment. You cant do anything else anyway.

[nottrustin]

I know you are in Canada but not the US but but why would they discharge you if you are still suicidal?? Especially if they feel you are not trying hard enough and not progressing. At the hospital I work at, if a person is still a danger after the court ordered time,we can restart the whole involuntary proceess.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

They said last time I would get better just doing my regular outpatient and discharged me but if I'm here by court order, I can't decide to leave. The power is one sided.

I know in some instances Dr. weigh if the patient is not progressing because of being locked up. However, they are actively suicidal, then we would never discharge them.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I know you are in Canada but not the US but but why would they discharge you if you are still suicidal?? Especially if they feel you are not trying hard enough and not progressing. At the hospital I work at, if a person is still a danger after the court ordered time,we can restart the whole involuntary proceess.

I'm afraid because last time I was inpatient, my normal doctor went on vacation and his replacement discharged me while I was actively suicidal. This was 2 months ago and it made me feel worse and worse, like I had no value at all. It's probably the worst psych experience i've ever had. It's been 2 months and it truggered my obsessiveness so much I think it's part of the reason why I'mback here. Now I'm scared.

I tLked to my doctor last night and told her how much it upset me and she said theyd never send me home still in danger, and i said what happened upstairs abd she said "dr "chief of intensive inpatient psych" doesnt run things like that, it's negligent"

Anyway, they're aiming for discharge around the 6th. I feel a bit better. I hate the hospital but I also know

Possible trigger:

i'm in really big trouble and my suicidal urges are still atrong.

They have me on something called "preventative guard," which means i cant leave this little area or close my door and my locker has to stay shut. The doctor lastnight told me i woukdnt be on thT if anyone thought i was fine. I told her i coukdnt think my way out of this and she said "you're here because you're unwell." It made me feel way less stressed and she said just rekax and let that small part of me that's glad to be under court order to be in the hospital because it's keeping me safe grow. I feel way better today.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

I know you are in Canada but not the US but but why would they discharge you if you are still suicidal?? Especially if they feel you are not trying hard enough and not progressing. At the hospital I work at, if a person is still a danger after the court ordered time,we can restart the whole involuntary proceess.

The wirst part is this **** actually lifted the court order early and sent me home. He decided it was BPD and didnt want to treat me.

[divine1966]

If they don't want to increase anti depressants then maybe they should try different Meds like anti anxiety or something for OCD or even different anti depressants. It sounds horrid that they do nothing but wait for you to get better on your own.

I am so sorry. And do tell them about trigger device you bought trigger

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[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If they don't want to increase anti depressants then maybe they should try different Meds like anti anxiety or something for OCD or even different anti depressants. It sounds horrid that they do nothing but wait for you to get better on your own.

I am so sorry. And do tell them about trigger device you bought trigger

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I'm on a med that helps with OCD and depression but it's not enough and they refuse to increase it. They also know about the device and demanded I tell someone I bought it and provide proof that they got rid of it (obviously this fixes nothing since I could buy another one).

They keep telling me I have power over my thoughts and I just need to redirect them. Which makes sense but it's not all that likely to happen on my own in a hospital bed. Why aren't they helping with meds?

I feel so hopeless and down, and my asshlle of a new pdoc changed my dx to BPD. I feel guilty, not trying hatd enough, wasting time, even though I am on a legal hold.

[PinkFlamingo99]

So I'm here at least until the 6th then being discharged. I'm scared because

Possible trigger:

I'm still feeling so suicidal. I'm very very afraid of leaving here and doing it.

But there is no therapy in psych wards here. I'm just here to keep me safe, and I can't stay here forever. I need to get out and go back to therapy. I'm really scared.

I'm going to call my therapist tomorrow, she helps me feel better about this stuff and she works in the outpatient psych hospital so she knows everyone and pulls up my file.

I'm just scared. My attempt was very well thought out and very violent.

Possible trigger:

I blacked out before I finished and I keep getting thoughts that I still want to do it.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

So I'm here at least until the 6th then being discharged. I'm scared because

Possible trigger:

I'm still feeling so suicidal. I'm very very afraid of leaving here and doing it.

But there is no therapy in psych wards here. I'm just here to keep me safe, and I can't stay here forever. I need to get out and go back to therapy. I'm really scared.

I'm going to call my therapist tomorrow, she helps me feel better about this stuff and she works in the outpatient psych hospital so she knows everyone and pulls up my file.

I'm just scared. My attempt was very well thought out and very violent.

Possible trigger:

I blacked out before I finished and I keep getting thoughts that I still want to do it.

So you're able to talk to your T while you're in there? That's good. Can she convince them to hold you for longer maybe? Or could you at least switch to the intensive outpatient/day program? Is there any way to be inpatient and also get some sort of individual therapy?

[divine1966]

I don't think you should live alone but don't recall if you have any family? Or maybe group home? I am constantly perplexed how modern medicine, psychiatry and therapy can none help you. Horrible

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[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

So you're able to talk to your T while you're in there? That's good. Can she convince them to hold you for longer maybe? Or could you at least switch to the intensive outpatient/day program? Is there any way to be inpatient and also get some sort of individual therapy?

I wonder if there's some way I coumd stay in the hospital and still go to therapy (at another hospital). She doesnt really have much power, but she's friend with the head of intensive inpatient.

I can't move into a group home because I have dogs. Plus the one I lived in was godawful. Maybe my mom, but it's so complicated.

How can there be no other medication they can try for my obsessions and my depression? Why does it havf to come from me filling out pro/con worksheets? BPD is the only dx they woukd even consuder "treating" this way in an intensive inpatient unit. It's ridiculous.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm scared.

Therapy helps and I am actually happy with it, but it's not fast enough to stop this. There's too much damage and im spinning out of control too fast to stop it with therapy.

That's why I'm in the hospital. To be stabilized. Apparently bevause of my recent bpd dx, this means filling out pro/con papers.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Swear to god, my psychiatrist was showing a resident around, i coukd hear him coming down the hall, and was like "we have single bedrooms, an activity room, 2 showers, 4 bathrooms, then walks by my room and goes 'this is a borderline girl,' then continues his tour.