[Ellahmae]

Continued from Dear T XVIII.....

I should know by now that any day which starts with a communication from my brother never ends well.
I am a bit annoyed at you for creating this stupid rupture so we have to talk about that at our next session instead of the stupid conversation with my narcissistic brother.

[confusedbyself]

I finally think (most of the time) that you do care and aren't going to abandon me. So why do iyoyo so bad inside with still 'feeling' like you dint want to deal with me and see waiting for the charge to have a good excuse to leave when I know in my head is not true because you have had way more then enough chances and have even give way beyond what you ethically promised to help people. In do believe you care but can't get it to stick and I'm so sorry for what I repeatedly do to you and thank you for staying with me.

Now that I finally crossed that darn trust line and do trust you, don't leave me for vacation! I know is not the same at all, but I'm already worrying and feel alone and I know it's just your personal time. Sorry

dear t: another thought came to me this morning. that being, that for me my healing really truly has been mostly within/because of the relationship between you and i, and it really doesn't matter if we spend time talking about insurance stuff or whatever and not specifically 'working on' something. No matter what we are talking about, you don't judge me or look down on me and that has been so healing to my younger self. This therapeutic relationship has been so repairative (sp?) for my self-esteem, etc. I used to hate that we had to spend session time talking about billing/insurance stuff sometimes. But I get it now, I do.

Thank you for being so very good at your chosen profession. You really are something, t. And I mean that in the best possible way.

[BayBrony]

Please don't forget the picture of little wolf.....

[Waterbear]

Well now, this is new. I am still a little lost for words. I really do think you might be right about my head taking a rest, it all feels like it has slowed down a lot. I went for a walk this morning with my pebble and I felt like I was walking with you. Because my head had slowed down I had the space and the time to see what was around me and it was beautiful. I felt like I was seeing the world with a brand new set of eyes, with a child's eyes. A glimpse of what may be out there for me one day.

Is this because I am starting to believe, starting to trust, starting to think that maybe we can do this? I am starting to feel like I need you and what you can give to me. I look at the card you gave me and I see you. I hold the pebble in my hand and I feel you. The hand that holds mine as I drift off to sleep is now yours, and the voice that tells me that I am OK where I am is now yours. I was writing a nice poem after my walk today and a voice came to me. It said 'enjoy it while you can, because it won't last'. I thought back to what you did with that piece if paper last session, when you screwed it up and took it outside to the compost bin and I wrote this down, took it outside and burnt it.

I am not saying that I won't go back to dark places, that I won't let the voices win again, that I won't go back to doubting you and what this is, but for now it is all ok and that is good.

[junkDNA]

t,

I MISS YAAAAAAAAAAAa

me

[confusedbyself]

Why won't you reply?

[confusedbyself]

Is after 9:00... your not going to text me back. You know how hard I try not to text because I feel so bad about it but this text was even different and not a bad one but You have never completely ignored a text. I was sooo happy about the text I sent you and excited and now I just want to fall apart. Everything seems fake now and I'm not even worth the 3 servings to even say "sounds great". I don't understand and hate this roller coaster. Just when I think I was wrong all along and you have really been there for the most part, something new like this happens :'-(

[LonesomeTonight]

MC,
Sorry for that 12:30 a.m. text. Just feeling really bad right now. Yes, I'm kinda drunk. I know, I'm supposed to be stopping with the drinking. Please don't judge me. Not that I think you will. I just need you right now. Even though it's the holiday weekend. Please help me...
Love,
LT

[Ellahmae]

I'm trying to not text you. Had a dream you got in an horrible accident on your way home tonight. It's irrational fear. I hope. I'll leave it be. I hope you're okay.

[Luce]

T, I wish I had met you with my current self, rather than my past self.
I wasn't together enough to do this work back then.
Now I am ready to do the work, but we are no longer together.

You alone know where I need to go, what I need to do there.
I don't know who else could possibly sit with me through this stuff.

[BayBrony]

You forgot the picture����

I don't see any way you could ever blame me for YOUR UNETHICAL BEHAVIOR!!

[Coco3]

Thanks for your reply to my email. It's what I needed for temporary closure. Hopefully it'll last until I see you again, eight weeks from now.

T,

I'm not important to you I know. You have a full and fulfilling life. Unlike me. You're the only person I get to hug in the whole world.

[brillskep]

You're going away on vacation. I don't mind that so much now since my life outside of therapy is going better (and I have some debts to pay anyhow) but why must you again use the "adult vacation" word when you leave and the "kid vacation" word when I leave? You know how much difficulty I have and how much I've already overcome to view myself more as the adult woman I am. You know I still struggle with this. So why do you as a therapist talk to me as if I were a child instead of helping me accept emotionally that I have indeed become a fully grown adult? Why not view me as such? I do the exact same work you do. And more, because I have two careers. Why does your work deserve more respect than mine? I'm a professional, not a schoolgirl. I'll bring this up again before you leave. But I'm ashamed because part of me still feels I'm not fully an adult and that I am obnoxious for asking you to treat me like one. I feel the need to justify what should be a very reasonable request.

How frequent is it acceptable for me to email you?

[Luce]

T, I am realizing you can't walk with me on this one.
It's my journey, not yours.

I realize I still have to walk it,
without you.

There is such a deafening silence.

[LonesomeTonight]

MC,
Thanks for responding to my text yesterday. All I asked for was acknowledgment that you'd read it, just to know you're "there," but you gave me a few sentences of encouragement, too. I feel bad for bothering you during a holiday weekend, but I know you'd say not to worry about it. At least I managed not to call you when I was really struggling yesterday, though I wanted to. Or I wanted to text you and ask you to call me. But I resisted and just went with the text request, and that was enough.

Also, I had a dream last night where you were telling me you could only see me for a couple more sessions because we'd reached some kind of limit or something. I was very sad and didn't want to have to leave. But then at the end, you handed me some sort of card that was good for another round of sessions, which made me happy.

Enjoy your holiday! And see you soon.
--LT

I am very, very nervous to see you tomorrow. I don't know whether I'm mad at you, or sad about this, or just wanting it over. I don't even know how I will feel when I see you.
I can't get past this thought of "he saw me as a threat". It feels like I've just wasted 18 months if you thought that even for a second.
I feel terribly anxious. I'll probably struggle to sleep tonight.

[confusedbyself]

you ignored me.... I want to vanish

What YOU and OTHERS have done to me is REPREHENSIBLE!!!!\

All of the GUILTY should be behind bars!!! Instead, where are they???

They are vacationing on the beach!!! The one's who EXPLOITED ME are vacationing on the beach. Thanks to those who are too afraid to speak up.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
Is it bad that I'm not feeling that upset about you being off this week? I think I've just been feeling less connected to you. Of course, you were also off 2 weeks ago. So maybe it's like I've gotten a bit out of the habit of seeing you. I think it's probably more the connection thing though. Not sure whether to bring that up, because you probably will act like you don't know what I mean or say it's because you've been away. But after a few weeks ago, when I sent you all those e-mails and you didn't respond...and when recently you said you hadn't had a chance to read some of my e-mails, accidentally deleted one, say you haven't gotten some others, and thank me if I say I avoided contacting you over a holiday, it makes me feel less of an urge to e-mail or text you. And that's part of how I felt connected to you before. And you'll say that you didn't usually respond to e-mails before, but it seemed like you had always read them.
Hm, OK, this is making me think that maybe we do need to talk about it...So next week then.
--LT

[Chummy2]

Dear current T,

Last session we talked about how the therapy is going and that it's going well. Better than expected. I went to my exams, I've been open you and all that without other T. So yes, I didn't get more depressed when T left me and I went to my exams and I passed them. I'm not feeling much better, but also not worse. But I'm not dealing well with T's leave. After almost 14 weeks it's still the same as the second week. I'm still angry and hurting. I don't know what to do with that.