Expectation.

Without bullet pointing - too high schoolish - would you say you expected to feel 'better 100%'? Or as you progressed In therapy you realised life really is meant to have its ups and downs emotionally?

I think my expectation is that with therapy (or because of it) as the highs and lows of life come, I will be more skilled to deal with things. The lows won't knock me down and leave me spinning out of control. I think everyone - even very mentally healthy people - have highs and lows, I think some people are just better skilled to handle those times than others.

I feel like im living in a different reality. There was a star trek next generation episode where there were like five different Enterprises - A B C D E. One was the series as we knew it - life is good. One was where they were constantly under attack by the klingons. Etc etc etc.

I've learned to understand, and more importantly accept, that life has very natural ups and downs that I can really be okay with. Those are different from severe ups (mania) and downs (depression) that are outside the norm for my everyday mood fluctuations. I do feel much, much better at dealing with whatever life throws at me so that I don't spiral up or down into a mood state that is beyond my ability to manage on my own. I'd say I'm probably 80% better at that than I used to be; I can be quite content with that. Life is never 100% better -- certainly not for any sustained period of time; crap happens -- but life has certainly improved overall.

My T always tells me that happiness shouldn't be the goal. You should aim to be content no matter the highs and lows.

That's what I've realized. I think happiness is more about specific events in life instead of overall state of being. I have moments when I really am truly happy -- horsing around with my kids, family gatherings, singing with my chorus, etc., but I also have moments of great sadness or stress or anger that are also event-contingent (deaths, illness, money issues, etc.) It's all just part of living.

Contentment isn't about it all being okay. Contentment is about accepting that life events are what they are, for good and bad. We don't have to like what is happening at the moment, but we can realize that those moments and events are something that can be experienced and managed, gotten through and moved beyond.

I do want to say there is a difference between feelings and mood states. I used to not even realize that there was a difference. I lived for decades in a very depressed mood state, very often not at all tied to what was happening in my life -- just a constant, persistent severely depressed mood. I also lived with crippling anxiety due to PTSD symptoms. That absolutely was not an okay place to "live" and it took meds and therapy to get me to a place where that mood state wasn't coloring everything in my life gray. But once we finally had that mood state under control, I was finally able to see the difference between normal fluctuating feelings (happiness, sadness, grief, anxiety) and serious problems with mood. I can remember when my sister died, my therapist had to teach me about normal grief so that I could see that what I was experiencing was normal for such a loss -- it wasn't pathological and it wasn't something I needed to be scared of; I was so used to depression that I couldn't recognize normal sadness and grief. It was eye-opening to recognize I was capable of experiencing normal emotions without them becoming pathological. I had rarely been able to do that in my life previously.

I say all that because I don't want anyone to read this thread and misunderstand what I am saying. Many of us live in mood states that are outside the "bell-curve" of average mood fluctuations. I don't want anyone to misconstrue what I am saying as they should just get over their depression or anxiety or whatever. It is SO not that easy. What I am saying is that it IS possible to eventually reach a place where one can experience normal/average feelings and all the normal/average fluctuations that go with them, and not have them be such severe extremes that they are creating serious problems in your life.

It was really an awakening for me to really be able to distinguish between the two.

I asked this because sometimes I find myself sitting in a dark place, but it's OK. Theres an inner strengh there now. Probably the internalised T.
But, when I begun therapy, I was like a child wanting candy floss. I was expecting something sweet and bright, what I got was something much more sustainable.