Lost

Hi Pink, really glad you're able to talk with us all. I don't want to overwhelm you with concerns about medications, etc... but neurontin can cause suicidality. I know someone for whom it was a godsend in terms of psychological health, but I also know of someone for whom it caused a very bad outcome. Not sure how long you've been on it, but wondering about its possible effects. I do hope they will consider changing your medications in the coming days / weeks.

The way it works here is they will actually transport me back to my designated hospital for mental health care. It kind of sucks, but also they kind of all work the same way. The hospitals don't have resources for inpatient treatment. I think the problem is with me anywAy, I have coping skills AND know this is a very bad idea but I want to do it anyway. It doesn't even make sense to me. I just feel like the only thing that will make me not want to do it, is to do it. I know this sounds ridiculous.

Thinking of you. I really hope one day you can see that you are someone who does not deserve all this pain and suffering and you can learn to love yourself. I wish I could tell you how to get to that point.

The funny thing is my pdoc *is* an expert in addiction but they're all treating the symptoms and I feel like I need more help with the obsessing. I know for a lot of people the distract, self-soothe, mindfulness, whatever, skills from DBT help, but it's not so helpful when you think about things non-stop because it does not go away for awhile. It's really hard to watch TV or anything.

My therapist is helpful but it's almost like I won't let her help me. I'm so obsessive. I know it's my fault because I'm squandering all my help and I shouldn't be whining on a forum about it if I'm not going to try harder. I leave therapy determined to make things better and it doesn't last.

So many things happened this year that just made that self-hatred worse and worse and worse. I ended up in the hospital the last 2 times under court mandates, and I was secretly relieved but they discharged me before I was feeling strong enough, and the combination of being back in the world (which also feels weird) as well as feeling terrified and not ready (obsessing less because I couldn't do it in there, so that part did help, made me fall right back down.

I think it could partially be that. Also because I couldn't physically binge anymore even if maybe mentally I wasn't ready. I think that's why thencutting got bad again but then just kind f spiralled out of control.

The funny thing is that Parnate has actually done the opposite for me. I used to be worse with the obsessing, to the point where I wanted to bash my head in the wall just to be able to read a paragraph. It's literally the only med that has allowed me to do stuff like read again. The problem I think is that in the past 2 yrs, my obsessions have gotten more violent. I think the combination of the weight loss combined with the whole thing with my ex-therapist and not telling anyone about it IRL just led to SH that got worse and worse. I remember even thinking at that time that I hated myself so much that something *big* had to happen. It's all been getting worse since then and it's hard to let go.

It'sfunny becayse I was on both Paxil and Zoloft for over 5 yrs each and neither helped at all. I do feel like the Parnate almost "wears off" midday. But I'm a lot better on the Parnate and the benzos and I still struggle so much with this one thing.

I've only been on the Neurontin for about 3 months and I feel like it honestly does nothing at all. I told him I'd rather go off it because I don't see the point in taking something that's basically a placebo.

Have you asked the Pdoc or whom ever was in charge of releasing you, what it would take to stay in the program? Or say how can you stay safe when all they do is discharge you while you are so unstable.

They believe I will do better as an outpatient because you can't have therapy as an inpatient. I don't know anymore. I'm not sure this is a medication issue, I think it's the culmination of a bunch of really hard changes and things that happened to me. I'm having trouble motivating myself to stay safe.



But either way, if I can't keep myself safe, what are my choices?

I honestly don't know �� Try and ignore the self-destructive voice and focus on the scared voice. That voice wants you to live and get better. When are you next seeing your T? Can you call her when you are feeling the urges strongly? A friend? Crisis line?

Is it possible to get away and visit your minister friend who moved? Maybe that can help function as a sort of reset button of sorts?

Hugs to you, Pink. I wish we could take away your self hatred and obsessing.

Also sending you hugs. How are you doing today?

Hang in there and please stay safe pink. Please update us if you can. Safe hugs to you!

How are you pink?

It has been some days since you last post, I hope you are doing OK and safe.

Hi pink just checking in Let us know how you are if you can!!

Hey guys, arm is healingz IV antibiotics are awesome. I'm struggling but alive

Is this continuous obseszing part of BPD?

So good to see you post. How are things going? If you are feeling better what made the difference?

I'm no MH professional, but I think I've read psych research that BPD SH tends to be impulsive, rather than obsessive-compulsive SH.