therapist just terminated with me

Just sent this letter to the therapist 55 miles away that they tried to refer me to for me to talk about how upset I am at being dropped by exT:


"I am too traumatised and fragmented at the moment to even get out of bed, due to the abortive and mishandled ending of my previous therapy. After I have invested six years in learning to trust, to share and attach to ex T, his services have been suddenly withdrawn in contravention of a detailed and sensitive therapy termination plan that we had worked out between us. This has left my sense of trust broken and my sense of security in fragments. How am I supposed to trust another therapist? My first priority is to try to repair the damage with exT or else at least to resolve my reasonable complaints and concerns about the way that my therapy with him has been ended. In my view professional standards have been breached in terms of keeping a vulnerable client safe. This needs to be resolved before I can even consider whether I need to start more therapy and given my past experiences of therapy, I cannot be expected to start again now even if this is what I ultimately need."

I]I am too traumatised and fragmented at the moment to even get out of bed, due to the abortive and mishandled ending of my previous therapy. After I have invested six years in learning to trust, to share and attach to ex T, his services have been suddenly withdrawn in contravention of a detailed and sensitive therapy termination plan that we had worked out between us. This has left my sense of trust broken and my sense of security in fragments. How am I supposed to trust another therapist? My first priority is to try to repair the damage with exT or else at least to resolve my reasonable complaints and concerns about the way that my therapy with him has been ended. In my view professional standards have been breached in terms of keeping a vulnerable client safe. This needs to be resolved before I can even consider whether I need to start more therapy and given my past experiences of therapy, I cannot be expected to start again now even if this is what I ultimately need."QUOTE]

I think your email is fine--it certainly details what you're feeling and how this ugly action on the part of your former T has hurt you. But I'm not sure why you sent it to a T you've never seen before. Do I have that right--that you've never actually met with this T? Did this T contact you and suggest that you make an appointment or was this individual a name given to you by your former T's clinic as a possible person to contact to work through the terrible termination?

I ask because if this is simply a name given to you by your former T's clinic and they told you this might as an option open to you, please don't feel bad if the T doesn't contact you back or if he/she does contact you and says something bland and noncommittal like: "Please feel free to contact me when or if you desire my services." I say that because if he/she has never met with you before, they probably won't be terribly supportive or compassionate in regard to all the pain you're in emotionally . . . . Although he/she might surprise everyone and come through like gangbusters. Good luck and I hope you find some healing because your former T sure did let you down!

Is this other job as a therapist or something else? I'm not clear on that.

His other job is supervising trainee psychologists.

I was given an appointment with a new T 55 miles away, 20 days after the old T terminated. I attended thinking having been told it was an assessment to see where I could be helped. It turned out to be a T thinking I was going to start working with her. We made an appointment for last Monday - a second appointment - and I did not go. She wrote to me asking why so I posted my reply to her, above.
I can't drive 55 miles to a T and then do 50 mins therapy and drive 55 miles back. I have CFS/ME. Also, I don't trust therapists, after what my last one did. Also, i need to sort out closure with the T who messed up the closure.
So that is what I am fighting for.

So he isn't actually working directly with clients right now. Perhaps he needed to step away from clients for personal reasons. Perhaps he did not feel he should or could work directly with clients right now.

I am not defending him, but it sounds like he has done this for some combination of self-care and client-care. If he doesn't feel in the right place to work one-on-one with clients, that might have been a good decision on his part. I'm sure it feels awful on the client end, but if he isn't up to working with clients, perhaps he feels doing this is the right thing to do; perhaps he feels he would not be able to be effective with clients directly due to whatever is going on with himself.

At the very least, he owes his clients a timely and coherent and crystal clear explanation for why he is unable to continue and why it had to end abruptly. Without that, it's all quite dishonorable and unethical. One also wonders whether he owes long-term clients some sort of compensation. If things end this badly, it's rather a ripoff.

Except, technically, if this is a matter of his own medical privacy, and his own mental health issues would fall into that category. So many possible variables in this scenario. I feel for your pain, Maria. I hope you can find some resolution and peace with this situation.

This makes sense. However, if this is the case, he should have made it more clear in his letter that it was him, not MariaLucy. Like, "I'm not able to continue seeing clients right now. I'm very sorry to leave you hanging like this, but please know that it is not about you, but about me." Or something to that effect. Especially for a client who has been seeing him for as long and as frequently as her.

Of course. Somehow there should be a way of communicating while at the same time maintaining his own need for privacy. It sounds like a sticky situation all around.

I think it's criminal not to have even offered up as much as the generic reason of, "due to extenuating personal circumstances beyond my control, I am no longer able to continue working as your therapist." To not give any reason for the termination whatsoever is just unfathomable to me especially given the line of work he is in.

I haven't seen ALL of your posts, but was this death sudden or did they know it was coming? He may have not had time to line up a back up?

If my T dropped me suddenly, I would be sad to lose him, I would be shocked, I might even be a little angry. But I would assume that there was a good reason (health or family), and I would not feel like he owed me an explanation of what that reason was. It seems a little unreasonable to me, to think that a T should share what are probably some very private issues with clients.

He worked for the NHS and you saw him there? The NHS have very strict guidelines about contact with therapists outside of whatever clinic they work for and have very tight boundaries around what therapists can and can't share about themselves. The fact that you have personal contact details for him suggests he's been working outside of those boundaries, which in turn suggests some degree of burn out or skewed judgement on his part. He may not be able to give you any more explanation because it's private and personal to him, or because his employer won't let him, or because he doesn't work there any more and isn't allowed contact with ex-clients. It's anyone's guess really but if he's not doing any client work, he's unlikely to be able to offer you what you need or want here.

If the clinic have suggested a new T that's too far away, and you want another T, it might be worth asking them for someone closer - or maybe that new T could see you at your old clinic. If you don't want further therapy, I wouldn't even bother communicating with the new T cos s/he isn't involved in your current situation and can't be involved with someone who isn't their client.

I agree, it is unreasonable for a t to share very private issues with clients. No explanation at all is just as unreasonable, if not more. By simply stating t has to unexpectedly leave for personal reasons beyond their control would have at least left out the added pain of confusion and self-blame for the client.

I believe something like that was said. It is not being accepted by the OP, who wishes to have one or more termination sessions.

For the last several years OP has presumably bared her soul and had her own private matters subject to intense scrutiny and probing. Now in the midst of a nightmarish rupture the therapist is exempted from even a little bit of personal disclosure and honesty in service of the well-being of his client. This is stupidly ironic.

I faced a version of this. My therapist was consistently evasive, right up to the end, while expecting nothing but openness from me. Do as i say not as i do.

Let's recall that extreme withholding of information is a characteristic of abusive relationships.

Let's also recall that therapy isn't an equal relationship in that the therapist is there to support the client in exploring their most private matters and that disclosure in therapy is not meant to be a two way thing. The relationship is a working relationship, it's intended to give the client the space they need to explore their own issues. The therapist has said they can't give any more, i don't see how it's "extreme withholding" to not give details of why they have no more to give.

Demanding from someone something they have said they can't give is equally characteristic of abusive relationships.

Come on, the guy can't give more information except "well, I cannot work with you anymore"? After 6 years? That is ridiculous. The OP is clearly owed an explanation. A real explanation. Not some vague "well, it's really too bad" crap.

She might be owed a reason, but that doesn't mean she'll get one. My ex-T left me and didn't give a reason. And the board didn't tell me why either. Just because you think you deserve something doesn't mean you're going to get it. At least the OP has a basic understanding of what happened. Her ex-T suffered a loss. He ended his practice with clients early. My ex-T is still working with clients...

I understand wanting to fight this. But whether you get an exuse or extra sessions or whatever it is you want, at some point you're going to have to let go.

His dad died, he isn't employed by the clinic where she saw him - he doesn't seem to be seeing clients privately or indeed seeing clients at all. Not working as a therapist seems like a "real" reason for not working with her. Or do you think he should be giving the reasons for not working, which could range from I don't need the money, to I don't actually like client work, to I've been dismissed for malpractice or I'm terminally I'll.

I don't think I would be happy giving that level of info to people I work with, your view may differ. I guess we all have different levels of comfort around personal disclosure and privacy.

I think the OP deserves more of an explanation as to why, whether it'd be written or in-person, but I'm not sure if there is a requirement to provide one (especially in 5-10 sessions).

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I do question if extra sessions for closure would even be helpful for you or would it just add to the pain. I assume if he is forced to provide closure sessions by a board it wouldn't be the same warm, caring demeanor that you recall over the last 6 years. It would be formal and I'd imagine an emotionally detached style because of the annoyance of having to provide these sessions. Are you prepared for that scenario if the closure sessions are granted by his professional board??

What does it closure mean to you? Is it figuring out what happened? Do you just want to review your work together in person? Is it wanting him to reconsider? Or is it just being able to say goodbye? Will the closure sessions resolve anything? Or will it just make the wound bigger and deeper?

Being able to answer those questions will tell you whether it is in your best long-term interest to fight for closure sessions OR whether you should just file a complaint while finding ways to cope with the abandonment.

It's not fair that you had to go through this, but given that you have--what do you personally gain from spending all your time and energy on a complaint that may drag on for months. Finding out what you can do for you, while compartmentalizing the complaint, is critical. Again, it's not fair, but where can you go from here that leads to self-growth?

the closure is necessary because it has
· the aims of (a) decoupling the intense attachment (b) processing and celebrating the achievements and great successes of the first years of the therapy (c) addressing the impact on the patient of the events surrounding the aborted ending (d) saying a proper goodbye and discharging the duty of care with mutual respect, humanity and trust repaired

I know the clinical definition reasons for closure, but I guess I'm wondering what it means to you on a personal level?

Do you hope to achieve all those things? What exactly do you want or expect to get out of it?

And do you think it is achievable if it is forced by a board rather than him genuinely caring enough to provide them?

It is my understanding that OP did not get a clear explanation (not to be confused with detailed) from her t as to why he would no longer work with her. I thought she found out t stopped practicing after receiving the letter. And I don't think, "I have nothing more to give" is a clear explanation as it still leaves the door open for wondering, "Why? What did I do wrong?" It all sounds morally reprehensible to me.

Perhaps fighting for what OP wants to fight for is part of her process to letting go. She is advocating for her self and that is a powerful and healing tool in and of itself. Maybe it is unlikely she will get what she is asking for, maybe it isn't. We don't know. I give you, MariaLucy, credit for taking a stand and having the courage to ask for what it is you need. Please keep us posted on how things progress, if you like.