therapist just terminated with me

Ididitmyway · Dec 22, 2016, 03:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MariaLucy

First of all I would like to call all members attention to this:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...ment-here.html
In it, it asks all members not to question a persons experience and that we are here to support each other and not insist on our view of being right.
I am not insisting I am right. I am aware that I have been emotionally, psychologically, physically and sexually abused in therapy. I am not here for you to question my experience. Please read the article above posted by DocJon. It states this need for lack of judgement quite clearly.
If a therapist abuses his position of power by fostering a deep intimate relationship of daughter and father with his client, the client is not to blame. The therapist needs to be taken to account for it.
My confusion is that I loved it. I had never had a dad. I was wide open to being loved in this way. blame me for that if you wish, but don't post your judgements on here.
I adored the cards posted to my home saying that he loved me and would always hold me in his heart. I adored the presents and gifts and treats and outings. I was wide open to being won over. I was won over. Then he dumped me. And he continued working five days a week and actually, we have discovered, continued working with other clients. so he dumped me after promising me so much. Is it my fault he promised me so much? I think not.

I have been let down by four therapists now because I think what happens is that I am obviously a young child in distress inside an adult womans body. they get confused by this. The young child part of me must be very distressing for a therapist to witness as she is in trauma. I too find that part of me overwhelmingly upsetting. So the therapist this time and the woman therapist both went into 'rescue' mode and over reached themselves. Then bailed out because they had over reached themselves.
The first therapist actually lusted after me and planned for six months to have an affair with me. I was in child mode. I didn't see this coming. I never see sexual intent. I am 'too young' to see it, it is my blind spot, from being abused from an early age. This therapist then enacted the most awful sexual assaults for his own pleasure and needs and later admitted it in front of six witnesses. I was most horrified by how he admitted he had a sex addiction and that he had planned to manoever and manipulate me into a position of pliability to do what he wanted to do. And you blame ME for this?

And yes, you can say 'I really feel for the poor therapist' but he is being paid to be trained and professional with child abuse survivors. He is not paid to bail out because he got it wrong and promised too much and then got overly close and then ran leaving no care in place for me.

If you wish to argue with this post, please read the article I have included the link to. If you have a huge urge to jump in and judge me and question my experience, first of all stop and think why and then secondly, stop and remember that is not what this forum is for. We are not here to challenge each others' abuse and experience and say it didn't happen or that we are making it up or that we have got it wrong.

Well said. As one of my supervisors once said, it's a client's job to try to break the boundaries and it's a therapist's job not to let it happened. If he does let it happen, he is to blame, not the client. It doesn't matter how much the client tries to seduce the therapist and how many personal issues she is struggling with. This has nothing to do with the fact that the therapist's professional responsibilities are always his professional responsibilities, nothing takes it away from him. If the boundary violation was due to ignorance or inexperience or "honest mistake" or the heart, tough luck, but this also has nothing to do with the fact that the boundary was violated and the therapist is the only one to be held accountable for this.

When I filed my complaint with the board, no one questioned my motives. The investigator never ONCE attempted to analyze me and my issues because for the licensing board they were irrelevant as they had nothing to do with my ex-therapist's professional duties. All he was doing was to collect all the facts so the board could later determine if there was a violation. My motivation and my credibility was NEVER questioned, because, again, it was irrelevant.

Trying to deflect from the therapist's actions to the client's motives is like deflecting from the rape to the fact that the victim was wearing a short skirt and was at the night club when it happen and blaming the rape on the victims choice of outfit and her lifestyle. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that we are in the 21st century because the human mindset doesn't seem to have changed since the Medieval times.

Dec 22, 2016, 04:04 AM

Thats your mindset, not mine.

Yes, its the therapists job but the reality of the situation is that 4 therapists in a row did not do their job. And hanging out here, ive concluded its not uncommon and that people might have to do things on their own to change things. Ive given that opinion alot here lately.

Its about empowerment, not blame or sexism.

Ididitmyway · Dec 22, 2016, 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skies

Its about empowerment, not blame or sexism.

When the person (OP) makes it clear that she doesn't need this kind of "empowerment", doesn't appreciate it and that it doesn't feel empowering to her at all, it has to be respected. Someone else's issues are none of your business. No one can get empowered against their will. If your are trying to force "empowerment" down someone's throat, to offer your unsolicited analysis, it's more about fulfilling your needs than the needs of the person who clearly stated that she doesn't want her experience to be questioned. If you don't want to support people the way they want to be supported, you are entitled. In that case, just don't say anything at all. This way you'll respect your own integrity and the will of the other person.

Dec 22, 2016, 04:38 AM

Im done posting here, i dont need your judgement. You are reading things that arent there. I wasnt questioning the OP, and she never said she wasnt interested in empowerment.

If she isnt interested in the article or my opinion fine, but who are you to speak for her. And you do more judging than anyone else at this point.

Good luck ML. Hope you like the article.

Ididitmyway · Dec 22, 2016, 04:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skies

..And you do more judging than anyone else at this point.

Nice projection. Bye. Have a nice day.

MariaLucy · Dec 22, 2016, 05:35 AM

I read the article. I didn't find it helpful. I didn't cause that therapist 20 years ago to be a sex addict. I didn't know that. My repeating pattern is that I want a safe parent figure. I want to experience a safe place where I can talk and I can reveal and my pain can be seen. For some reason, it triggered two therapists to attempt massive 'rescuing' of me, which led to dumping me by not being able to cope. My fault. I shouldn't have been so upset and distressed.
This present one, it was all my fault again that I needed a father figure to feel the first beginnings of attachment. He went along with this. all my fault. He is professional and I am the client and it is my fault what happens in that room.
It was my fault that he kissed me whilst I was curled up sobbing and I got the shock of my life. But it was my fault he did it. I wanted love and care so it must be my fault. Funny how I didn't want kissing by my father figure.
anything else I should take the blame for? It was my fault that my therapist choose to send me gifts and presents and cards. It was my fault that he told me if he ever suddenly ended with me I could go round to his house and demand an explanation. I actually went round and left flowers and a card on his door - he has lost his father. It is my fault that I did that, I felt for him in his grief. I should not have left his a condolence card. I should not have left him flowers. I should have banged on his door and demanded an explanation from him like he told me. Wait a minute. If I had done what he told me to do, many of you here would be jumping on me like a ton of bricks. I didnt do what he told me to do but somehow that is also my fault.
Anyone else like to list how all this mess is actually my fault and me, the client is to blame?

Dec 22, 2016, 08:39 AM

I am sorry you are feeling so invalidated and judged,and blamed.I personally wasn't blaming you,although I know that's how you and others have perceived it.

I don't think the point I was trying to make was even understood.If a woman is in an abusive marriage,divorces,ends up in another abusive relationship,then another,and another,then I feel maybe it's time the woman explores that,tries to understand what's going on and try to make changes so maybe next time will be different.Although it would not be her fault she is being abused,she obviously has some issues she needs to work on,she needs to find her own responsibility in it in order to change the patterns.If she doesn't do that and just keeps repeating the same behavior she will just keep ending up with the same type of men and in the same situation.If everyone keeps pitying her,supporting her in continuing the patterns,instead of encouraging her to take a look at her own self defeating behavior,make changes in herself,nothing will ever change.She can press charges,seek revenge,do whatever she chooses,but in the end,it will not change until she finally decides to take a look at herself.

If I voiced that,the person being abused may see it as being judged,being blamed,etc when in reality it is just someone seeing it from a different perspective and feeling like maybe the person would do much better by not being pitied or supported in behaviors that are not helpful.

It is no different in this situation,and exactly what is happening.

I am backing away from this thread.It should have been made clear in the first post that only members that are going to completely agree,pity and coddle should reply.

stopdog · Dec 22, 2016, 08:56 AM

Simply because one does not judge or shame or blame the OP does not mean coddling, pitying or completely agreeing.

Dec 22, 2016, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Simply because one does not judge or shame or blame the OP does not mean coddling, pitying or completely agreeing.

Fair enough.I shall eat my words.

10:12 AM

Sorry, Maria, that my article/post seemed judgemental.

I've been harmed by a therapist and medical doctors before, and I found learning everything I could about the subjects helped protect me. Knowledge is empowering for some, and this has worked well for me.

It's not your fault and we shouldn't have to keep ourselves safe from those who are supposed to help.

ETA: I think I'm internalizing my therapist's mindset, finally. His idea is that since I can't control what others do (powerless), that I am the one who has to learn about myself (empowerment) and take steps to get what I need.

kecanoe · Dec 22, 2016, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MariaLucy

First of all I would like to call all members attention to this:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...ment-here.html
In it, it asks all members not to question a persons experience and that we are here to support each other and not insist on our view of being right.
I am not insisting I am right. I am aware that I have been emotionally, psychologically, physically and sexually abused in therapy. I am not here for you to question my experience. Please read the article above posted by DocJon. It states this need for lack of judgement quite clearly.
If a therapist abuses his position of power by fostering a deep intimate relationship of daughter and father with his client, the client is not to blame. The therapist needs to be taken to account for it.
My confusion is that I loved it. I had never had a dad. I was wide open to being loved in this way. blame me for that if you wish, but don't post your judgements on here.
I adored the cards posted to my home saying that he loved me and would always hold me in his heart. I adored the presents and gifts and treats and outings. I was wide open to being won over. I was won over. Then he dumped me. And he continued working five days a week and actually, we have discovered, continued working with other clients. so he dumped me after promising me so much. Is it my fault he promised me so much? I think not.

I have been let down by four therapists now because I think what happens is that I am obviously a young child in distress inside an adult womans body. they get confused by this. The young child part of me must be very distressing for a therapist to witness as she is in trauma. I too find that part of me overwhelmingly upsetting. So the therapist this time and the woman therapist both went into 'rescue' mode and over reached themselves. Then bailed out because they had over reached themselves.
The first therapist actually lusted after me and planned for six months to have an affair with me. I was in child mode. I didn't see this coming. I never see sexual intent. I am 'too young' to see it, it is my blind spot, from being abused from an early age. This therapist then enacted the most awful sexual assaults for his own pleasure and needs and later admitted it in front of six witnesses. I was most horrified by how he admitted he had a sex addiction and that he had planned to manoever and manipulate me into a position of pliability to do what he wanted to do. And you blame ME for this?

And yes, you can say 'I really feel for the poor therapist' but he is being paid to be trained and professional with child abuse survivors. He is not paid to bail out because he got it wrong and promised too much and then got overly close and then ran leaving no care in place for me.

If you wish to argue with this post, please read the article I have included the link to. If you have a huge urge to jump in and judge me and question my experience, first of all stop and think why and then secondly, stop and remember that is not what this forum is for. We are not here to challenge each others' abuse and experience and say it didn't happen or that we are making it up or that we have got it wrong.

Well said. I was going to post something along these lines but you beat me to it.

BudFox · Dec 22, 2016, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrispApple

It doesn't mean I am not sympathetic with the OP, because I am.But my perception is she was hurt so deeply,felt so very rejected and abandoned...again, and is making this therapist pay for it when it actuality it's a culmination of past experiences and this therapist doing the same was the icing on the cake for her.I actually feel bad for the man,I bet he genuinely cared for her and wanted to help her but due to circumstances beyond his control he had to terminate.And she continued contacting him while he was grieving the loss of his parent,and continued after being told not to.And just would not stop with all of it.

I am not into blaming the client,but if this is the 4 th time being abandoned by a therapist,then I feel that is what needs to be addressed.Is the OP crossing boundaries,demanding more than they are willing to give,is she controlling,manipulative?This is in no way a put down,it's just something that needs to be looked at and taken into consideration.

Sorry but this does not pass the BS test nor the logic test. Therapists are paid to be relationship managers. If the relationship fails, they are responsible. It's not a free-for-all. When it ruptures you can't just pretend the two parties are on equal terms.

If some people cant handle the cognitive dissonance that comes from hearing that someone has faced repeated woundings in therapy, and that this repeated failure is primarily a reflection on the institution of therapy, and they feel compelled to reprimand and blame the victim, i think it's time for a look in the mirror.

BTW, implying that OP is too emotional to be objective and therefore needs the guidance of the therapy masters here, man that is condescending.

unaluna · Dec 22, 2016, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skies

Heres an article about how trauma survivors get retraumatized, if youre interested:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3330499/

I was just reading this yesterday, trying to figure out if there was a renactment going on in my therapy. Its interesting.

Well i found my relationship pattern in this article, reenactment based on rigid defenses, the 2nd example of getting involved with losers who you know up front cant give you what you want.

Good if long article. Maybe we can start some threads based on it. Im still reading it but i wanted to post before we got too far past it. It quotes henry krystal, who is one of my favorite ts, who passed recently. It really fleshes out reenactment. Thanks skies.

BudFox · Dec 22, 2016, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrispApple

To me it indicates that all of this,reporting the therapist is about revenge.And yes,I do personally feel it's wrong.

This response is a study in confirmation bias and selective reasoning. If a medical doctor did something so destructive and stupid, they'd be liable under malpractice laws. It wouldn't be called revenge, it'd be called justice or the pursuit of appropriate compensation.

Also, she paid to at least not be harmed. Clearly she has been harmed, and so the priority should be on mitigating that harm, and if taking action against the therapists helps in that way, it is right and necessary. External judgments about it are not relevant.

Dec 22, 2016, 12:57 PM

It's ironic that you bring up judging yet that it what you are also doing.

I stated my opinion,just the same as everyone else.I am allowed to do that even though you or anyone else may not agree.We all have our own thoughts,opinions and perceptions,and that's perfectly fine.

To each their own.

here today · Dec 22, 2016, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrispApple

It's ironic that you bring up judging yet that it what you are also doing.

I stated my opinion,just the same as everyone else.I am allowed to do that even though you or anyone else may not agree.We all have our own thoughts,opinions and perceptions,and that's perfectly fine.

To each their own.

From my perspective, he's judging your words and stating his judgment about what the overall social priorities "should" be, not judging your motives or feelings. There's a difference, to me. A judgment about motives definitely feels like a "personal" judgment, where a judgment about words and social priorities is not, atlhough people may take it that way.

For instance, it seems to be your view that if anyone comes from a place where they are feeling vengeful, then as a matter of course, the social priority should be that any other "merits" about their claim on social affirmation, or something -- I'm not a social scientist -- are to be invalidated and denied. Any harm they may have suffered, as a whole person with lots of feelings and motives, is irrelevant and not to be looked at objectively. That any feelings of harm they may experience are simply "their experience", which (because of the presence of a vengeful motive) are suspect and not objective.

That's how your position seems to me. Please correct me if/where I am wrong.