[1stepatatime]

Many of us have felt love for our therapists. Sometimes it's maternal, paternal,sometimes it's romantic, sometimes it's just love.. plain and simple. I recently shared this with my therapist ( via email). I explained that the love I feel for her isn't romantic, it's just love. I feel close to her, a sense of warmth. I don't know any other way to say it. When I asked her ( thru email) if she felt the same her response was a ; )
While I appreciate the boundaries and I have no desire to see her out of session I don't get why she can't just be real with me. She could simply say " yes, 1step I feel the same " or.. if not she might say " I care about you, 1step". Anything would be more validating than a ; ) . Maybe she struggles with closeness with clients, although she is warm and caring towards me. I don't know.. as DIFFICULT as it may be perhaps I should talk about it in session.

[BayBrony]

I don't know what your Ts feelings about texting are but my T won't address "big" feelings on text. Usually my big feelings are negative. But if you haven't had any big discussions about these sorts of feelings she may not want to discuss it over text.
I agree it is kind of a weird response and it seems like she could have come up with more helpful statements in response without starting a big discussion. But it might be one reason for the weird response.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I don't know what your Ts feelings about texting are but my T won't address "big" feelings on text. Usually my big feelings are negative. But if you haven't had any big discussions about these sorts of feelings she may not want to discuss it over text.
I agree it is kind of a weird response and it seems like she could have come up with more helpful statements in response without starting a big discussion. But it might be one reason for the weird response.

Right... we have talked about her short responses thru email and I don't expect her to give a detailed lengthy response but even " let's talk about this next week" would have given me a little more. Heck, if she said " no, I do not love you" would have more clarity.. of course it's certainly not what I want to hear!
Thanks for your response 😊

I understand how you feel here, because I see smiley symbols as very trivial, and those feelings you describe are anything but trivial. You must feel very vulnerable after that disclosure, and an emoticon just isn't an appropriate response.
A wink symbol seems particularly weird too. How are you supposed to interpret the meaning of that? A therapist should be providing clear communication, not ambiguity and innuendo.
I tend to find that when my therapist disappoints me or acts in a way that makes me uncomfortable, the real work is in the resolution.
I think it's important to tell your T how the response made you feel. I hope she is non-defensive and honest in her response. Being able to resolve bumps in the road this way is an important part of the work IMO.

No I wouldn't like that. I think we look to the T to model something different.

[ThisWayOut]

My t and I use emoji's when communicating through text, but it goes along with generally communicating more often through visual's. I would be bit confused by the wink though... perhaps the "difficult" talk in session you mentioned would be your best bet at hashing that out?

Oh wow 1step how invalidating. I would expect more from a therapist. Even nothing would be better than that for me personally.
Then again I wonder did her text have different meanings and interpretations and of course it did because here a wink means flirt or else you are winding someone up or jeering someone. I wonder did it make her happy and smile but really this should be discussed with her. What were you hoping from her as an appropriate response to what you said? I would expect nothing from mine or a text saying I am so excited you are finally coming to the contact boundary. We will discuss this at our next session.
Every t is different, from what you have said about your y this is not something o would have anticipated from her

I am sorry that your therapist responded to a deeply felt confession in such a superficial way. This is a hard question to answer for a T though in any satisfying way and I guess many of them actually try to avoid addressing it directly (might be why she did not respond with "let's talk about this next week").

I never told any of my therapists that I love them because that would be a strong overstatement, but I do tell them (often in email after sessions) when I appreciate something we do and when I find what they do helpful. They almost never reacted to these statements. I never confronted them about these things as it's not particularly important for me, but I quite direct and upfront about stuff that they seemed to be avoiding at times. Sometimes this was an entree into an interesting and helpful discussion and other times they got defensive.

[ruh roh]

I have no idea what a wink would mean in this context, though maybe you can piece it together based on how she is in person?

What you wrote to her and asked is so complex and vulnerable that it would be very hard for a therapist to reply to if they typically only send short responses. In all honesty, I don't think a therapist could possibly feel the same way a client feels about the relationship because they are not exposing themselves and being vulnerable, so their feelings are going to have a very different quality. It's not a bad thing. Just different for them.

[LonesomeTonight]

I would find that response both invalidating and confusing. I mean, maybe she thought the wink implied she felt that, too, but a T should be more clear in what they mean.

Though I think T's can be a little weird about responding to client's saying that they love them in general, both from personal experience and from what I've read on here. The first time I told T (in person), she was like "That's very sweet," which felt invalidating. Like, "Aw, that's nice." Never really talked to her about it though. The second time, a few months ago, I shared it during session, and we then were saying something about how the T relationship is a strange one, so I knew she couldn't say it back. She agreed about it being a unique relationship, then added, "Not that I don't love you, too," which surprised me that she'd admit that. Though not long after that, we had a big conflict, and I wonder if maybe she felt weird about sharing the feelings.

First time I told marriage counselor (on the phone), I worded it in a way that led to an easy answer: "So if I love you, is that OK?" To which he said "That's OK!" which was fine (and didn't feel invalidating). However, a year later, I felt sort of compelled to tell him that again, this time over e-mail (mistake!). And I said how it was platonic (which about 95% of it is...). He responded with something like, "Thanks, that's very kind of you" and how he was glad I realized it was platonic. Which felt very invalidating--seemed more like a response to "You're a great T!" or "That's a nice shirt." And led to me sobbing and sending him an e-mail saying how upset his response made me, because it felt so invalidating (and, to me, like 'Thank God she only has platonic feelings!") and he called me the next day to talk about it. The phone call helped quite a bit.

I agree with what Echos said about how "when my therapist disappoints me or acts in a way that makes me uncomfortable, the real work is in the resolution." It can be tempting to just avoid bringing up stuff your T does that upsets you, but I've found it's better to bring it up. And can often lead to a strengthening of the relationship as a result. So I agree that you should talk about it. You could even just say something like, "You responded with a winking emoji. What did you mean by that?" Or just say it felt invalidating, but I understand that would be more difficult.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

I understand how you feel here, because I see smiley symbols as very trivial, and those feelings you describe are anything but trivial. You must feel very vulnerable after that disclosure, and an emoticon just isn't an appropriate response.
A wink symbol seems particularly weird too. How are you supposed to interpret the meaning of that? A therapist should be providing clear communication, not ambiguity and innuendo.
I tend to find that when my therapist disappoints me or acts in a way that makes me uncomfortable, the real work is in the resolution.
I think it's important to tell your T how the response made you feel. I hope she is non-defensive and honest in her response. Being able to resolve bumps in the road this way is an important part of the work IMO.

Yes, I do feel very vulnerable.. Tuesday will be here soon and we need to talk about my feelings. I guess the scary part is what will she tell me? Hopefully it won't be too unsettling, I'll keep you posted and thank you!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

My t and I use emoji's when communicating through text, but it goes along with generally communicating more often through visual's. I would be bit confused by the wink though... perhaps the "difficult" talk in session you mentioned would be your best bet at hashing that out?

Exactly, the work will be difficult and uncomfortable but it is very necessary.. the mere thought of bringing it up gives me knots in my stomach!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Oh wow 1step how invalidating. I would expect more from a therapist. Even nothing would be better than that for me personally.
Then again I wonder did her text have different meanings and interpretations and of course it did because here a wink means flirt or else you are winding someone up or jeering someone. I wonder did it make her happy and smile but really this should be discussed with her. What were you hoping from her as an appropriate response to what you said? I would expect nothing from mine or a text saying I am so excited you are finally coming to the contact boundary. We will discuss this at our next session.
Every t is different, from what you have said about your y this is not something o would have anticipated from her

Hi Mona
Knowing my therapist it probably did make her happy and probably warmed her heart.. she tells me that I'm cute sometimes.
I'm not sure what I was expecting to hear, I like to think she feels the same
but again a little smiley winking doesn't give me anything definitive. Tuesday is coming up, ( gulp) I'll keep you posted!!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I have no idea what a wink would mean in this context, though maybe you can piece it together based on how she is in person?

What you wrote to her and asked is so complex and vulnerable that it would be very hard for a therapist to reply to if they typically only send short responses. In all honesty, I don't think a therapist could possibly feel the same way a client feels about the relationship because they are not exposing themselves and being vulnerable, so their feelings are going to have a very different quality. It's not a bad thing. Just different for them.

I wonder what DO they really feel about us? It's not a balanced relationship yet they are in the business of feelings...

[1stepatatime]

[QUOTE=LonesomeTonight;5297839]I would find that response both invalidating and confusing. I mean, maybe she thought the wink implied she felt that, too, but a T should be more clear in what they mean.

Though I think T's can be a little weird about responding to client's saying that they love them in general, both from personal experience and from what I've read on here. The first time I told T (in person), she was like "That's very sweet," which felt invalidating. Like, "Aw, that's nice." Never really talked to her about it though. The second time, a few months ago, I shared it during session, and we then were saying something about how the T relationship is a strange one, so I knew she couldn't say it back. She agreed about it being a unique relationship, then added, "Not that I don't love you, too," which surprised me that she'd admit that. Though not long after that, we had a big conflict, and I wonder if maybe she felt weird about sharing the feelings.

First time I told marriage counselor (on the phone), I worded it in a way that led to an easy answer: "So if I love you, is that OK?" To which he said "That's OK!" which was fine (and didn't feel invalidating). However, a year later, I felt sort of compelled to tell him that again, this time over e-mail (mistake!). And I said how it was platonic (which about 95% of it is...). He responded with something like, "Thanks, that's very kind of you" and how he was glad I realized it was platonic. Which felt very invalidating--seemed more like a response to "You're a great T!" or "That's a nice shirt." And led to me sobbing and sending him an e-mail saying how upset his response made me, because it felt so invalidating (and, to me, like 'Thank God she only has platonic feelings!") and he called me the next day to talk about it. The phone call helped quite a bit.

I agree with what Echos said about how "when my therapist disappoints me or acts in a way that makes me uncomfortable, the real work is in the resolution." It can be tempting to just avoid bringing up stuff your T does that upsets you, but I've found it's better to bring it up. And can often lead to a strengthening of the relationship as a result. So I agree that you should talk about it. You could even just say something like, "You responded with a winking emoji. What did you mean by that?" Or just say it felt invalidating, but I understand that would be more difficult.[/QUOTE
I think I will say just that and see what her response is. My therapist is typically very engaged, empathetic and caring.. I'm not totally surprised by her response but I think it is a cop out... I just hope that she is honest with her response and doesn't beat around the bush, we'll see

[musinglizzy]

Not too long ago when I was preparing to disclose something tough to my T, I almost backed out...then blurted out "do you love me?" (My T used to tell me she loved me). She didn't answer that question at the time....but later sent me an Email telling me that she felt bullied by my saying that to her. Um....ok....

[ScarletPimpernel]

I understand your frustration at her response. I would be confused and frustrated too.

My T will never reciprocate if I loved her. Even if she did love me (which I doubt she does), she will NEVER say so. Personally, I'm glad for that boundary. So in my case, if I got a ; ) that would be a positive thing.

[doogie]

I don't know your T at all, so this may be totally off base.

I understand the 'love' feeling for your therapist. Not an inappropriate kind of love, but just a 'you've helped me so much and you are an important part of my life and no other word really describes my feelings for you correctly' type of love. I say 'I love you' to my T and she says it in return - though we both understand the meaning behind it - that's it's not romantic or friendship or anything inappropriate or outside of boundaries.

Perhaps you T DOES feel that way toward you, but was hesitant to say it without having a discussion with you first to clarify the meaning. Not because YOU might misinterpret it, but just because it would make her feel more comfortable. I think you should discuss this in session for this reason.

And just a thought on the winky face....many times when I intend to type a regular smiley, I type a winky just because I forget to push down shift or thought I had shift down and didn't...so my : gets typed as a ; Of course, who knows if this happened to your T - but it is a different perspective on what might have happened...since you really don't know anyway.

I hope you can talk with your T and get things figured out. It's hard.

[stopdog]

I would not have known what it meant.
I have never found talking to them about their screw ups all that useful in any other than letting them know they did.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

Not too long ago when I was preparing to disclose something tough to my T, I almost backed out...then blurted out "do you love me?" (My T used to tell me she loved me). She didn't answer that question at the time....but later sent me an Email telling me that she felt bullied by my saying that to her. Um....ok....

Bullied?? Wow!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by doogie

I don't know your T at all, so this may be totally off base.

I understand the 'love' feeling for your therapist. Not an inappropriate kind of love, but just a 'you've helped me so much and you are an important part of my life and no other word really describes my feelings for you correctly' type of love. I say 'I love you' to my T and she says it in return - though we both understand the meaning behind it - that's it's not romantic or friendship or anything inappropriate or outside of boundaries.

Perhaps you T DOES feel that way toward you, but was hesitant to say it without having a discussion with you first to clarify the meaning. Not because YOU might misinterpret it, but just because it would make her feel more comfortable. I think you should discuss this in session for this reason.

And just a thought on the winky face....many times when I intend to type a regular smiley, I type a winky just because I forget to push down shift or thought I had shift down and didn't...so my : gets typed as a ; Of course, who knows if this happened to your T - but it is a different perspective on what might have happened...since you really don't know anyway.

I hope you can talk with your T and get things figured out. It's hard.

Right.. I've thought about what you said and it could be that maybe she is uncomfortable.. perhaps I need to clarify that what I feel for her is not outside of the boundaries and is not inappropriate for the setting.. thank you!