Hospital

Is it because they see my SH as attention-seeking?

Yes, they have put several involuntary holds on me. 30 days. It takes a whole lot to be declared incompetent, and it definitely doesn't start by telling someone they have been preemptively denied hospital care.

Yes, I have been banned from psych inpatient. The 24 hours would be in the general ER, not the psych ER.

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Can you get another assessment? Is it possible that one of more of your medications is causing you to SI?

Doubtful since i've been doing it for almost 20 years

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Your SI appears to be isolating you from yourself, family, friends, your treatment team, and the world. It also seems to be making you worse, by preventing you from feeling emotions that are required for recovery.

I don't have a lot of those. I am honest with my treatment team but of course some are easier to deal with than others.

I'm sorry my replies aren't very gentle. I believe in being straightforward with people. I feel for you. I also believe you will recover.


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M
Thanks

There must be a reason why I'm suddenly unwelcome after being held there involuntarily. Makes no sense. Attention-seeking? Giving up on me and not wanting to waste the bed? The last involuntary admission I admitted I didn't feel safe to leave when it ended. I thought I was being honest. Maybe I was being selfish.

You are not selfish for wanting to stay safe.

I also don't think they are wanting to keep you from staying inpatient because you are "wasting a bed".

You are in a tough position. Say they declare you incompetent, you are institutionalized. The system is designed to minimize that outcome as much as possible, because it limits your rights as an individual, as well as your future. What are the alternatives?

Its heartbreaking as an outsider who isn't a part of your life to see what you are doing to yourself. I don't say that to hurt you more, at all. But what are you looking for to start making changes? There isn't an inpatient program in your area that does intensive therapy. That would be ideal, but as you've stated, it isn't an option. When they try to put you into more intensive outpatient, that doesn't seem to help either.

You are obviously in a ton of pain. But no one can change that for you. It's not your fault you are struggling, but only you can make the baby steps to make changes. If there isn't the ideal program, then how can you work with the team you have to make it as close as possible? And if it's impossible, please find an advocate and fight for yourself. Tell them you need to have a long term commitment or they will have your death on their hands.

I wish there was a cure for you. I hope you can find some peace.

My take on it is that the psych stay is only for adjusting medications as quickly and as safely as possible until symptoms are managed. If medication isn't getting at your deep pain, and it's not the type of setting that provides therapy (which I think you said is the case) then it doesn't make sense to be there.

You are begging for, and deserve, a safe place. Where else can that be? Is it at all possible to create for yourself? I'm not minimizing your pain or the danger you're in...just dealing with the reality that being in the hospital has not worked to ease your symptoms.

Forget the label they slapped on you. You're not a jar. You've got to be for yourself what you have not found elsewhere. It seemed like you had a therapist you really liked before all of this started. Is she still in the picture? If so, can you create a plan with her to find safety in a non-hospital setting? Because you can keep trying to get admitted again, but why do that if it doesn't help (and, in fact, is damaging)?

It's also to get people through a suicidal crisis, etc. I was put there under court order, not willingly. I shoukd also make it clear, because I don't think I did, that this was not precipitated by me ASKING for hospitalization. I have NEVER done that, did not want it this time, and in fact asked the medical doctor to please not call for a psych consult. I was last discharged 3 weeks ago. They keep people here who are a danger to themselves, others, or psychotic. Thise are the three curcumstances they can keep you against your will. I went to the hospital ONLY for stitches, the rest was out of my control and not in any way asked for by me (the medical doctor beleved I was a danger to myself and called for a psych consult).

Agreed. I didn't want to be admitted. I came in for my PHYSICAL symptoms from where I cut myself and needed stitches.

I think maybe after reading the clarification above, this part doesn't need to be answered again. I have a safety plan. I was there to receive 80 stitches from a wound I did to my leg with an electric saw. I asked NOT to see psychiatry, and told them over and over I was there fir stitches. I was not "trying to get admitted," but rather "trying to get a wound stitched" after she sent me there. If i had been "trying to get admitted," I woukdn't have a stack of involuntary confinement paperwork. My confusion lies in why she would suddenly feel the need to ban me from inpatient when I never wanted to be there in the first place, and do it so harshly.

My friend is currently in there for suicidal ideation so they cover a lot of different severe issues. My SH was previously labelled "severe" and I was not given a choice. But I never *wanted* to be there, just needed stitches BAD.

Thanks everyone, just to reinstate for some previous posters that I am in an intensive outpatient now, messed up, and went in FOR STITCHES as promised to my therapist. I was not in any way seeking any communication with inpatient psychiatry, that was out of left field and very harsh considering my previous UNWILLING hospitalizations.

True, but it seems to have gotten more severe lately. Like you need to do more intense SH, particularly recently. It's escalating. The sad thing to me is, you're realizing you're not safe and trying to get more help, it's just being denied to you. Did they explain to you the reason why you can't get psych inpatient anymore? I agree with the suggestions to get an advocate. Because what if you do end up having a medication issue--will they not admit you even to adjust that?

I know someone mentioned a group home to you before, and you said you couldn't because of your dogs (and I think maybe you had a bad experience in one before?) But it seems like you might need to consider something like that--at least to not be living alone, to have someone else there when you're feeling desperate. I don't know much about them or how they work, but maybe there are some that allow pets? Or is it something you could just do for a month, see how it goes, see if it helps? (Since you've found someone to care for your pets while you were in the hospital.) Or even if not a group home exactly, but just to have a roommate, someone to provide support?

Please stay safe. I think you were seeing your T today or tomorrow, right? See if she has any ideas for you.

I see what ur saying but there are ways one can force other people into making decisions for them, like involuntary commitment

My apologies. I thought that you had been asking them not to discharge you during the last stay, and the other posts where you were wondering why they would not admit you. I misread and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood. I guess I don't really understand what you are asking, then. 80 stitches due to an electric saw warrants a psych consult and some serious treatment, which is probably why I thought you wanted to be admitted for your safety (along with your previous posts). The doctors would be negligent if they didn't seek further professionals for you.

In any case, it's your life. I was trying to be kind, because even though you and I have had minimal contact on here, I still care, but I guess that's not helpful to you. I won't reply to any more of your posts. Good luck to you.

I am so sorry you feel the need to cut yourself so badly that it took 80 stitches. Are you going to the same hospital and ER each time? Most health records are computer based so they can review your entire history. If they see you are doing self harming even after inpatient they are probably assessing what would work better in your case.
You said it has been 20 years. Nothing therapeutically has helped? So sad. Maybe a supportive therapeutic roommate might be best for you.

Even online therapy sounds better than the care you are getting pink. Still thinking of you. Just keep talking.

Thinking of you. It sounds hard for you Pink at the moment- I hope you get relief one way or another soon. X

Dude. This is why that one doctor said your thinking was not quite logical. Its not like you needed stitches because you were playing hockey. THATS physical. And even then, if a player gets into too many fights, it becomes a mental issue. Not too many people are gonna disagree with you that life is hard.

I guess that's what happened to me twice this summer.

I was scaredyp be discharged at the end of my last stay. It's hard to spend weeks locked in a hallway of 9 rooms and not be terrified. And I was. Thoselast few days I was afraid to leave and didnt want to leave, but they were still part of an involuntary hospitalization order

I'm sorry, certain postshad me more ieritable than usual on here and I am losing it from anxiety. I have only onceever been admitted voluntarily, for one day. The rest was involuntary. I'min outpatient treatmentbut these things can behardto get over. And after receiving those stitches, the pain of doing it, the interaction with that psychiatrist I had always looked up to was just way too much.

It's never beenso bad. It has gotten better and worse at times. Anyways, the whole point I guess was just that Iwas reallyhurt by her comments and brushing her handsof me. I already hurt enough to do that to me. The comment aboutnever admitting me again I found bizarre since they were all(but one) involuntary. Someone suggested that the 80 stitches with the saw, etc, stuff I do is attention seeking... Maybe on some level itis. But it's dangerous anyway. So, yes, it hurt badly from a pdoc I like.

What trauma did you experience as a child that started all of this self harm? It must have been horrific for you to see cutting yourself with an electric saw helped. Can u get rid of all the knives saws etc. put them in another place far away and locked up???

How are you doing Pink?

Also wondering...been thinking about you, Pink, and hoping you're doing OK.

I feel like life can't stop hurting me. I was always told by my regular therapist, the one I really liked (And I am supposed to go back to after I stop cutting for 6 months -- also court mandate, I'' now in an intensive BPD specific program. same building, close offuces), that while I am in this program I can always come by and tell her how I'm doing and how things are going. 2 weeks ago my new therapist told me I'm not allowed to talk to her at all because new therapist finds it "untherapeutic," even though we never did therapy, although she did help me when I was so sad. For me, personally, being told i can no longer talk to her is MORE untherapeutic because even if I only talked to her every two months or so (I tried only to when I was desperate to talk to someone I know cares), because not only does it show that I'm still worthy of abandonment but it also starts the relationship with the new therapist based on a lie. The trust I had built to talk to her at all came crashing down. Now I have to grieve two people being gone from my life (although one is temporary if I can stick to not hurting myself), I'm stuck with a therapist I was beginning to feel more comfy with, but now I'm mad at for hurting me worse at a time I'm struggling so badly and don't trust but am legally forced to see, nowhere to go if I get desperate (I probably never would have gone to the ER for suicidal or self harming thoughts but at least it was always a possibility, getting over that pdoc's horrible harsh words when I was being stitched, and if I harm myself I will lose my 2mg klonopin and 2mg Ativan cold turkey. I hardly ever stopped by my normal/old therapist to talk but it meant so much just knowing I could if I needed her. I called her from the hospital about a month ago and also after that thing happened in the ER (they were things only she had known me long enough to talk about) but I have only ever called her 4 times, including when I was her patient. She insisted she was fine with it and just wanted me to get better, and I'm very careful about making sure things like that are okay. I even asked the last time if I was harrassing her and said, of course not, I just want you to stop hurting so much.

i was also starting to think I coukd open up to the new one, but in addition to this she was also just incredibly sarcastic that same day, and it hurt. She thinks it's not a real issue feeling like my old therapist's promise became a lie, just me being a "china doll," and exaggerated the few calls (4) I made up to 17 (like it wasn't humiliating enough) and told me never ever to call her or my pdoc (it was about the meds issue and going cold turkey off a fairly high dose, I thought it must be a mistake) between appts again. Then my pdoc showed up while I was waiting for her and said REALLY meanly he wasnt discussing it. I HATE this program so much. I don't get how it's supposed to help my self esteem being talked down to. I had been beginning to feel ok with the new T but that trust is gone. My minister is retired. And I really need somebody and there's nobody.

I'' going to Florida for thevweek tomorrow. I thought going away would help me take a break from my head. My parents have a condo there and my stepfather needs help with a few things (he's there alone and has had a lot of orthopedic surgeries), but this will just follow me wherever I go.

I don't know about citizenship but by law they have to keep you until they believe you are medically stable.