I have decided to go back to my t after trying out a new t, I didn't really feel anything about her. She was a nice person and did nothing wrong but I just didn't feel anything.
I know a lot of people here won't approve of my decision and I am certain that it may not be the right decision but it feels right now.
I text t today to ask if I could send her an email. I have never done that before and didn't want to cross her boundaries , she said she would rather I brought it to session so we could look at it together.
I have lots of stuff I need to say to her and thought it would be easier to write as I am finding it so hard to talk to her lately but I will try.
I sometimes feel if my t understood attachment theory and worked more from this theory our sessions would be easier but she doesn't and we have to work with what we have.

[growlycat]

Feeling nothing early on is understandable. Feeling extremely negative right off the bat would be concerning. Evaluating new t's it's so hard!!

I remember the first time I saw my t I was so excited because she really got me! Now that I reflect back on our first session she took a lot of risks too but I like that about her, she is challenging at times, too challenging but she is not afraid to try new things.
On our first session she asked me to stand up and push her. Of course I refused to do that. She explained that I let everyone do that to me and she wanted to show me but I didn't feel that pushing someone is necessary and completely against my beliefs. So from our first session we disagreed about Certain things but we agree to disagree

[Argonautomobile]

If my T had explained me to myself within the first 40 minutes of meeting me, I probably would have punched him.

I hope you don't get hurt again, Mona. But I guess some hurt is inevitable. Good luck.

[Out There]

I wonder why you used the word " approve " ? I'm sorry but I have to say I see a very kind and caring person and an excellent T stuck in an abuse cycle. I wish you would give the new T you saw a chance to help you. I wish you what you deserve which is not what is happening with your current T.

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

If my T had explained me to myself within the first 40 minutes of meeting me, I probably would have punched him.

I hope you don't get hurt again, Mona. But I guess some hurt is inevitable. Good luck.

Haha, you would not work well with my t then Argo!
I guess it's a love hate relationship with my t. I know I will get hurt at times but it's up to me to tell her when I am feeling hurt. She has often said she is not a mind reader. I am learning to be more authentic with her and she loves it when I challenge her.

[here today]

It feels good to me that you are doing what feels right to you, for you, at this point in time. During and after the session you can decide and do what feels right then. I hope you don't get hurt again, too, but it sounds like you are at least somewhat prepared for that risk. Good luck!

Originally Posted by Out There

I wonder why you used the word " approve " ? I'm sorry but I have to say I see a very kind and caring person and an excellent T stuck in an abuse cycle. I wish you would give the new T you saw a chance to help you. I wish you what you deserve which is not what is happening with your current T.

I used the word approve because I know a lot of people here don't approve of her. I wonder do you think it's a judgement Outthere?
Sorry if the word approve seems judgemental as I know that people here are mostly not and have people's best interests at heart. Sometimes they tell the truth and it hurts but there is growth in that.
New t asked me to write down why I think it never works out with my ts and why I seem to get to the two year marks d then it finishes. She asked if all my ts were female and I am curious about what her theory is on that but not enough to go back to her.

Originally Posted by here today

It feels good to me that you are doing what feels right to you, for you, at this point in time. During and after the session you can decide and do what feels right then. I hope you don't get hurt again, too, but it sounds like you are at least somewhat prepared for that risk. Good luck!

Thank you Here today, I may end up regretting this decision and I will get hurt. I don't tell my t when she is hurting me and this has to change in order for us to move on. I need to start taking some risks with her. She can be very harsh but also very soft. I like her soft side, she is very kind and gas so much empathy but her harsh side is cold and unforgiving, it shows no mercy. T knows that and doesn't apologise.

[Out There]

We're both on an internet forum at 3.40 am instead of being asleep. I'm awake because I've spent my whole life wanting people to approve of what I do / did and not getting it , and getting shamed , blamed and maligned instead. It is utterly poisonous. I'm trying to leave someone who is toxic and feeds straight into that poison , but I care about her , I'm attached to her and I wish she would be well and our relationship would be as it was. And I blame myself a bit for letting it happen. I'm sorry if you felt I came across as judgemental , I just know its all very painful.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by Out There

It is utterly poisonous. I'm trying to leave someone who is toxic and feeds straight into that poison , but I care about her , I'm attached to her and I wish she would be well and our relationship would be as it was. And I blame myself a bit for letting it happen. I'm sorry if you felt I came across as judgemental , I just know its all very painful.

This sounds painfully familiar. I'm in this boat still, as well.

Originally Posted by Out There

We're both on an internet forum at 3.40 am instead of being asleep. I'm awake because I've spent my whole life wanting people to approve of what I do / did and not getting it , and getting shamed , blamed and maligned instead. It is utterly poisonous. I'm trying to leave someone who is toxic and feeds straight into that poison , but I care about her , I'm attached to her and I wish she would be well and our relationship would be as it was. And I blame myself a bit for letting it happen. I'm sorry if you felt I came across as judgemental , I just know its all very painful.

Good morning Out There,
I just wanted to be clear that I was saying that I was being judgemental by using the word approve not saying you were being judgemental. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I could never say that you are judgemental. You are anything but!
Just to let you know that I too have spent my life searching for approval and instead being blamed and shamed like what is happening in my therapy. I see now that you are doing what has been done to you by blaming and shaming yourself because of your relationship. There is a reason you can't leave her and you stay because you are not ready to leave yet. Do you think you don't deserve any better, or believe that you could be in a healthy respectful relationship?
Attachment is very very painful and sometimes it's harder to leave than to stay, it's scary because we are used to being treated like this. I just wanted you to know that I was in a similar relationship and I never would have left her because I loved her, more than I loved myself. She left me in the end and my world fell apart. I believe you deserve to be respected and treated well but you need to believe it yourself before you can change anything