returning to treatment .. maybe

I am returning to my pdoc and T after one year of being away from them and all meds. i am returning because of worsening anxiety. i also have other diagnoses such as MDD - I am getting second thoughts though of keeping the appointments..mainly because I dont want to try anymore antidepressant medication - i tried so many that did not work only made my depression worse to the point of many hospitalizations. on top of that she had me on haldol which completely flattened me in every way. I would just want something to take the edge off the anxiety. the depression is ok and has been since i took myself off the drugs..somehow it has become managable on its own. The strange part about that though is when I take tests for depression it always comes up clinical depression - i just dont feel it anymore for some reason. I do have alot of anxiety though that seems to be getting worse everyday.
i feel scared of my own thoughts that pass thru my head like flashes. .intense thoughts that i have to ride out by sitting down and letting them pass. .while holding on to the arms of the chair. Anyway i dont want her to put me on anything other than medicine to stop the anxiety.
Is it ok to tell her no to other medications she tries to put me on?
The other thing is that she assigned me to a T that i just dont connect with at all.. When i saw her last it seemed she would just give me handouts to fill out at home and there wasnt much discussion ..other than how CBT worked. There was not much sharing how I was feeling or anything. So wondering if it ok to tell my pdoc that the T she sending me to doesnt help me.?
Lots of thoughts going on in my head on returning.
Sometimes i think maybe i should just cancel and go to my regular doc for meds.
Sorry for rambling .. just anxious about everything i guess.

Yes, it is absolutely fine to tell her what you want and don't want. It's your treatment and your life and your mind and body. You are the customer/boss, and your pdoc and T are consultants you hire to help you get the most out of it. They might not always agree with your opinions, but ultimately you have the final say.

About the handouts, is that a continuing thing, or could it be part of intake? You might talk to the T about wanting more discussion of feelings and what you want to talk about. You do have rights concerning who you see and the modality of therapy that you receive. If you don't speak up for yourself and your preferences, then who will?

CBT is like that.

You might want to find a therapist on your own that uses an orientation/approach more in line with what you want. CBT is about changing behavior by changing your thought processes. Something like psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy are more about talking about what you're feeling and your perceptions and helps you understand what's going on 'behind the scenes'.

Here's a site that was helpful to me: www.guidetopsychology.com.

I'm with you on the meds. I quit them because they made me emotionally flat and that wasn't my goal. Anxiety is a constant and difficult thing for me too. I've had other therapies including CBT and REBT that weren't helpful to me. I've been with my analyst for 6 months and I do feel better and I feel hopeful that I will continue to feel better.

I hope you can find someone who will really listen to you and talk to you and help with those intense thoughts. They're scarey but the become more interesting when you have someone you can safely talk about them with to help you see what's going on and making them intense.


ECHOES

Thanks Rapunzel and ECHOES
i am thinking the reason i didnt get good results the first time in treatment was i didnt speak up to pdoc and tell her about how i felt about the meds and therapy. well i would tell her about the meds because they never worked on me but it was then she would change it to another until my head got so clouded - i finally had to stop the madness by getting off of them. I didnt know I could say NO to meds. And then I never told her I wasnt connecting to T - thinking that that was the way therapy was suppose to go - I didnt know different..just knew I wasnt getting anything out of it. i can see how CBT works having read David Burns material - its just with T it was more like going to a tutor than a T,
Maybe psychodynamic analysys would be better for me.
CBT just bores the hell out of me.
Overall i dont want to come off to them as being overbearing telling them how to treat me but I dont want to have to pay for treatment I dont want either, If I come on too strong they might think I dont need help.
What goes on in analysys? or what is a typical session like?
thanks for the link rapunzel i am going to go check it out.

i just pulled up the page from the link you sent ECHOES - thanks - it is answering my questions .