I do tend to judge therapists by their appearance and make assumptions about them by the clothes they wear, they way their hair is styled, etc. Etc...
I met a therapist today for the first time and as soon as I saw her I wanted to get back in my car and drive away but as it turned out I was glad I didn't.
She was very scary looking, kinda like a witch. She had wild grey hair, stony grey eyes, long unkept finger nails and not a scrap of makeup. Her clothes were worn and tattered, they didn't match in any shape or form.
She happened to be a really lovely person, very warm and caring.
I was pleasantly surprised and it got me thinking how much assumptions I make without taking the time to get to know a therapist first. Don't get me wrong, if I seen a t who was perfectly preened, prim and proper that would make run for the hills too.
Can anyone else relate?

[Waterbear]

Me and my T talked about this a bit in a session not long back, though it wasn't targeted at therapists but at people in general. I often see people as scary as soon as I see them, but apparently if I got to know then not everyone would be so scary. I am not sure about that but it was interesting to consider it.

I find people very scary at first too until I get to know them a bit more. I think that this is anxiety and a little bit of my history with abusive people throughout my life and never feeling entirely safe with anyone.

[therapyishelping777]

I can totally relate MOna! My T is really sharp dressing, looks very professional and at first was intimidating,because I'm just "come as messed up as I am"... so he can see the real me.... I didn't know what to think .. but he has proven safe and compassionate and kind of funny sometimes.. Now I feel safe with him...

This would be intimidating to me too I associate sharp dressing individuals as cold, calculating and analytical. I am glad that your t has proven this theory wrong and is able to show his compassionate warm side

[Argonautomobile]

Of course. We all do this to some extent--and to a certain extent it is useful and and intended. People don't go out in the world looking like they look by accident--they chose to primp their hair (or not comb it at all) or match their clothes (or not at all) for a reason, after all. What you wear, how your nails are kept (or not), the way you stand, your level of eye contact -- all of this stuff is non-verbal communication. It would be a pity to ignore it. I think the important thing is to note it and still keep an open mind. Form an opinion, but don't marry it right away.

I like the sound of witchy T. Your description makes me like her immediately. Not everyone will feel the same way--and that is fine.

I remember noting, with relief, what a dork my T looked like the first time I met him. That isn't a particularly nice way to describe someone, I guess, but everything about his unfashionable polo shirt and stupid khaki pants and bad haircut and slight air of awkwardness just screamed 'non-threatening.' Which is good. I find the situation threatening enough as it is.

'Non threatening' that's interesting because it means something different to each of us.
I would feel comfortable with a t like yours and usually I feel comfortable around dorks and outcasts more than people whom society deem as acceptable.
I think if a therapist was extremely good looking or dressed business like that would be threatening to me.
I like this witchy t, I saw t because it was more like therapy than supervision because she went really deep with me. I knew I could trust her and I don't know why!

[mindwrench]

My last T looked and acted like an upper class snob, and after three sessions my opinion did not change. My new T looks like someone I might have worked with years ago, and we get along great. While I was in the waiting room my old T walked through several times, and just glared at me. I don't know if that is because he is a snob, or he saw the what I wrote about him on the change T form.

[Luce]

I once met with a T who wore a red see-through blouse, a leather miniskirt and fishnet stockings. I was triggered as hell. I judged. I never went back. No regrets.

[stopdog]

I often don't notice the appearance of others unless extremely outlandish or something. I am not that observant about their offices unless they are sitting too close to me. I do notice tone and vocabulary and would make a decision based on that sort of thing. So, for example, they could dress in gauze and birkenstocks, but if they tried to talk to me about fairies I would leave.

long unkept finger nails and not a scrap of makeup. Her clothes were worn and tattered, they didn't match in any shape or form.

That's me.... (ok, I tend to get new clothing when it is no longer whole - I draw the line at visibly worn clothes.)

Originally Posted by Crocus

That's me.... (ok, I tend to get new clothing when it is no longer whole - I draw the line at visibly worn clothes.)

It's what's underneath that matters

[venusss]

Clothes you put on deliberatelly and they represent you and your choices in life. Like preppy and smart clothing... probably reflects your personality. Vivid colors and patterns... as well. Bland or moderatelly trendy is harder to judge, many might fall into that. Very umkept appearance might represent many things (from I am a slobby slob and don't bother with life to I am hyperintelligent and do so much in life, no time to brush my hair or put on clothes that match. I met many academics that looked like homeless or as guerrilla fighters of some sketchy pseudo-nation. If I met them in dark park, I would run).

[SheHulk07]

I tend to do this as well. My old T1 was always dressed very nicely, in dress clothes. I liked this about him, and thought of him as professional, which he turned out to be.

My old T2 I immediately labeled her as a "hippie" based on how she wore yoga clothes to every session. She turned out to be very relaxed and caring.

I've actually been thinking of a possible new T1 in case this new lady doesn't work out based on the gender and appearance of a T I have seen walking around the office. It may be "wrong" but I think it's what I view as someone who is comfortable and safe rather than uptight.

Originally Posted by venusss

However... clothes you put on deliberatelly and they represent you and your choices in life. Like preppy and smart clothing... probably reflects your personality. Vivid colors and patterns... as well. Bland or moderatelly trendy is harder to judge, many might fall into that. Very umkept appearance might represent many things (from I am a slobby slob and don't bother with life to I am hyperintelligent and do so much in life, no time to brush my hair or put on clothes that match. I met many academics that looked like homeless or as guerrilla fighters of some sketchy pseudo-nation. If I met them in dark park, I would run).

No, you assume that people are proficient speakers of a language that is foreign to many of us. Not caring about what we wear isn't a conscious choice, it's not a matter of "I have other things to think about so I will not think about clothing". It's simply a lack of awareness of what is (clearly) a basic thing to many of you. Not everybody chooses or is aware of their appearance. I promise. Not everybody is capable of noticing what other people wear. I wouldn't be able to tell modern/trendy from old-fashioned unless it was a question of jeans versus Roman tunics. That doesn't make me a better or worse or different person, it's simply a matter of a non-verbal language I don't know.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by Crocus

No, you assume that people are proficient speakers of a language that is foreign to many of us. Not caring about what we wear isn't a conscious choice, it's not a matter of "I have other things to think about so I will not think about clothing". It's simply a lack of awareness of what is (clearly) a basic thing to many of you. Not everybody chooses or is aware of their appearance. I promise. Not everybody is capable of noticing what other people wear. I wouldn't be able to tell modern/trendy from old-fashioned unless it was a question of jeans versus Roman tunics. That doesn't make me a better or worse or different person, it's simply a matter of a non-verbal language I don't know.

If you care about clothes, you learn. If you don't care... than it says something about you. You do choose not to care, not to look at fashion mags and youtube, not to go to trendy stores to blow money on clothes.

And to be honest, I love clothes, but I have no idea what is trendy at the moment. I just wear what *I* like, which represents a certain stance.

[junkDNA]

I started a thread a few years ago abt an extremely morbidly obese therapist that worked in my Ts old building. I was writing abt how I wouldn't want her as a T and wanted other people's opinions on that. But the mods closed the thread

Originally Posted by venusss

If you care about clothes, you learn. If you don't care... than it says something about you. You do choose not to care, not to look at fashion mags and youtube, not to go to trendy stores to blow money on clothes.

And to be honest, I love clothes, but I have no idea what is trendy at the moment. I just wear what *I* like, which represents a certain stance.

No, that is incorrect. It says absolutely nothing about you. Of course you learn about things you are interested in, but that's completely beside the point and it applies to everything in the world, not just clothing. Please do not inform me about what I choose or not, because it is laughably far from the truth. You may as well say that I choose to like opera, or that I choose to be bad at team sports.

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by venusss

If you care about clothes, you learn. If you don't care... than it says something about you. You do choose not to care, not to look at fashion mags and youtube, not to go to trendy stores to blow money on clothes.

And to be honest, I love clothes, but I have no idea what is trendy at the moment. I just wear what *I* like, which represents a certain stance.

I don't see how anyone can know whether someone's lack of caring for something is based on a conscious choice. Maybe someone chooses not to care, and is making that decision on economic reasons, or as a matter of principle. But maybe it's just not on someone's radar, so it's not something one chooses or doesn't choose at all. (Like for example, I have never chosen not to look at YouTube for fashion ideas- it has simply never occurred to me that anyone would do such a thing.)

Re the original question, my therapist has a really distinctive style. He probably cares more about clothes and accessories more than most of my friends. It's an aspect of him I don't really relate to, but I think he's a much more visual person than I am. I don't think I would generally pay that much attention to what a therapist looks like.

[venusss]

I think normal people with lack of funds, or people who do not care.. just dress "bland", unmemorable, nothing jumps out. So hard to make any conclusions there.

I am talking about extreme umkept appearance, sorta "professor of mathematics" style with mismatched clothes with chalk powder all over them.

If you wear jeans and shirts/sweatshirts... hard to really speculate why.

[Out There]

Maybe we all do it to some extent , like judging a book by it's cover. Both my T's are pretty casual in appearance and both very human. So I guess subconsciously it makes me feel comfortable and safe. And I do like the sound of " witchy " T!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I do tend to judge therapists by their appearance and make assumptions about them by the clothes they wear, they way their hair is styled, etc. Etc...
I met a therapist today for the first time and as soon as I saw her I wanted to get back in my car and drive away but as it turned out I was glad I didn't.
She was very scary looking, kinda like a witch. She had wild grey hair, stony grey eyes, long unkept finger nails and not a scrap of makeup. Her clothes were worn and tattered, they didn't match in any shape or form.
She happened to be a really lovely person, very warm and caring.
I was pleasantly surprised and it got me thinking how much assumptions I make without taking the time to get to know a therapist first. Don't get me wrong, if I seen a t who was perfectly preened, prim and proper that would make run for the hills too.
Can anyone else relate?

Hi Mona
Omg.. I wanted to laugh when you said she looked like a witch!! But I can't laugh with stitches in my stomach😂😂😂

[calibreeze22]

I didn't, but now I do. Every T I've had has dressed in business casual clothing. Current T (with whom I have a confusing and annoying attraction/transference issue) started more casual, but is now strictly business casual. Obviously I'm not her only client, so I'm trying not to read into my observation that the change happened after I revealed my sexual thoughts.

ETA Her demeanor changed as well, from more relaxed to more business-like. I greatly prefer casual dress and personality, so I doubt I'd be as far along as I am if she'd started this way.

[Daisy Dead Petals]

I can relate. My T is thin, beautiful, and well dressed. I do find this a bit intimidating as I have a weight problem and tend to dress down. It's especially awkward as lately I've been sharing with her how I've never felt like a "real" girl/woman. I assume she can't understand and am afraid she'll be judgemental.

[Ididitmyway]

I can't relate to this in general. Generally, I never cared about what the T wears, how they look in terms of beauty standards, style etc. But I did react to their energy or "vibes". Whenever I picked up the wrong "vibe" I'd trust it and wouldn't consider working with them. I would also react negatively if a female T would wear something sexually suggestive like a very short skirt or deep dress/top with a deep cut. A very casual appearance like they just came from a beach or came out of a pool would annoy me as well. But those are extremes I never really encountered so that was never an issue. Anything that doesn't go that far would be acceptable to me.