[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm basically sticking this whole thing behind a tw

Possible trigger:

Stitches again yesterday. 80. I bought another circular electric saw and cut with it. They sewed me up then the evening staff psychiatrist told me I can stay if I want (other stays were court ordered) for up to 24 hours, but I will never be "allowed" psych hospitalization for over 24 hours again, no matter whAt. Feel like crap and I'm in pain.

She also said she spoke to my own pdoc and she wants me off the Ativan because I took a lot to calm myself down enough to do the above.

Sure wish you would stop doing this to yourself. My fear is that you will not survive one of these times. Are you living with someone? Living alone is probably not a good idea as it gives you too much freedom to make bad decisions like this. Are you seeing a therapist regularly? I would think daily contact with a therapist, psychiatrist, day program, etc. would be absolutely essential right now.

[AHeartOfRuby]

I seriously don't understand why they won't help you! I'm so sorry I hope you have fight left in you I hope you can fight it.. I'm sorry the world is so cruel

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs...I'm sorry they're making you leave when you're obviously not safe. Is there someone you can stay with over the weekend? When do you see your T and pdoc next?

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Sure wish you would stop doing this to yourself. My fear is that you will not survive one of these times. Are you living with someone? Living alone is probably not a good idea as it gives you too much freedom to make bad decisions like this. Are you seeing a therapist regularly? I would think daily contact with a therapist, psychiatrist, day program, etc. would be absolutely essential right now.

I was told by the head of the day program that I am not well enough to be an outpatient. I have individual once a week and group twice.

[Demunie]

Sorry pink... I think it's awful how they treat you.

Do you want to get off the Ativan? Or is it just your pdoc?

Hugs and lots of strength to you

ETA: Too bad for outpatient but they don't want to treat you inpatient? That's just stupid...

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Hugs...I'm sorry they're making you leave when you're obviously not safe. Is there someone you can stay with over the weekend? When do you see your T and pdoc next?

Monday and Tuesday

[The_little_didgee]

The psychiatrists are treating you based on the treatment protocol of your diagnosis. They believe hospitalization reinforces self-harm and is detrimental to recovery.

Do you feel heard? If so would it make a difference in your treatment?

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

She also said she spoke to my own pdoc and she wants me off the Ativan because I took a lot to calm myself down enough to do the above.

This doesn't surprise me, especially since Ativan is known to lower inhibition. It also causes other side effects such as hallucinations and memory loss. Medications are supposed to help not cause harm.

[PinkFlamingo99]

All my hospitalizations were forced and went through court.

The Ativan is because I took it to calm myself down enough to carry it out.

[velcro003]

Well I think the first step would be to remove the Ativan, bc you seriously are on your way to death. That makes me sad. You need more than seeing anT once a week and group twice. What does your T think should happen?

[PinkFlamingo99]

The ativan is the only thing helping me cope. Im also on Clonazepam. It was stupid but it helps si much

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

All my hospitalizations were forced and went through court.

The Ativan is because I took it to calm myself down enough to carry it out.

What would help you besides self-harm?

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

The ativan is the only thing helping me cope. Im also on Clonazepam. It was stupid but it helps si much

But Ativan isn't helping you cope if it is allowing you to SI to such an extent. SI isn't coping in any sort of a healthy way. I know you know that, but your thinking isn't terribly clear unless I'm reading your post incorrectly.

[precaryous]

I want to say something supportive. I'm not sure if this will be supportive or not.

I am 62 years old and have some health issues. I sit here and kick my own ***** that I didn't do this or that...that now I can't go here or there on my own.

Then I read that you are giving all that away...all those chances for fun and fulfilling experiences.

I know you are hurting. I used to SI, too.

My wish for you is healing for the *real* hole in your heart so you have some time left to go to water parks, take in some roller coasters, go to the beach and breathe sea air, visit DisneyWorld (or some awesome place) because I will never be able to do those things again, myself.

Reading what you are doing- I just feel so sad for you.

I wish you the best. We all deserve the best.

[growlycat]

There must be another way. I'm so angry that the care you are getting is a big catch 22. Please trumpet to the world that you need help your t needs to step up movies more. This seems beyond SI and could kill you one way or another We want you here We want you to not feel this terribly all of the things me. Please scream in t from the rooftops that you need help

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by Demunie

Sorry pink... I think it's awful how they treat you.

Do you want to get off the Ativan? Or is it just your pdoc?

Hugs and lots of strength to you

ETA: Too bad for outpatient but they don't want to treat you inpatient? That's just stupid...

Taking me off the Ativan was just because I took 5 days' worth. I don't want off it. It's the only tging that helps me cope as well as I do. It was a huge fck up, but taking me off it just makes things worse.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

But Ativan isn't helping you cope if it is allowing you to SI to such an extent. SI isn't coping in any sort of a healthy way. I know you know that, but your thinking isn't terribly clear unless I'm reading your post incorrectly.

It's gotten way less frequent. No med will stop it completely. it calms me A LOT. The problem is if I want to do something badly enoygh, tgere is no med in the world to stop it. I take the ativan as needed. If I didnt want to do it, I would have taken 1-2. This time I wanted to do it.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by growlycat

There must be another way. I'm so angry that the care you are getting is a big catch 22. Please trumpet to the world that you need help your t needs to step up movies more. This seems beyond SI and could kill you one way or another We want you here We want you to not feel this terribly all of the things me. Please scream in t from the rooftops that you need help

There is nothing. All the other programs say I belong inpatient. It's hilarious.

It's actually heartbreakng. That was delivered by my favorite inpatient pdoc and none of the times I was in the hospital were initiated by me, exvept once when I said I was afraid of harming myself.

[growlycat]

I know you are not in the us correct? Can you get yourself to another country with maybe socialized care? And just show up in an er? Sounds drastic but it might be preferable than to keep going this way. We all want you to be ok

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I know you are not in the us correct? Can you get yourself to another country with maybe socialized care? And just show up in an er? Sounds drastic but it might be preferable than to keep going this way. We all want you to be ok

I think Pink is in Canada, right? Which does have socialized care? I'm thinking that's actually part of the issue (even though in general I am in favor of universal healthcare). Because then there's no choice.

Are there any private options there, Pink? Or is everything in mental health public?

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by growlycat

There must be another way. I'm so angry that the care you are getting is a big catch 22. Please trumpet to the world that you need help your t needs to step up movies more. This seems beyond SI and could kill you one way or another We want you here We want you to not feel this terribly all of the things me. Please scream in t from the rooftops that you need help

For me, SI was a silent scream when I didn't have the skills, trust or words to describe my pain. I can't imagine how much pain you are in, Pink.
Please continue to fight for yourself.

Thinking of you,
Pre.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I know you are not in the us correct? Can you get yourself to another country with maybe socialized care? And just show up in an er? Sounds drastic but it might be preferable than to keep going this way. We all want you to be ok

Unfortunately you need citizenship.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by precaryous

For me, SI was a silent scream when I didn't have the skills, trust or words to describe my pain. I can't imagine how much pain you are in, Pink.
Please continue to fight for yourself.

Thinking of you,
Pre.

I wish this hadn't happened just before the weekend. I need to talk to my therapist or pdoc so bad.

[atisketatasket]

I thought US hospitals were required by law to give care to anyone who showed up, whether or not they had insurance or were citizens? That wouldn't be long-term care of course, but emergency care. Still.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I think Pink is in Canada, right? Which does have socialized care? I'm thinking that's actually part of the issue (even though in general I am in favor of universal healthcare). Because then there's no choice.

Are there any private options there, Pink? Or is everything in mental health public?

Only for therapy but I really likemy therapist. No private hospitals.