I looked up ex-T...

I am having difficulty sleeping tonight, thinking about Pdoc and T leaving. Ex-T pops in my head, so I decided to look her up on FB. She had another baby. Looks to be a boy.

It's not fair! If ex-T and Pdoc didn't force me to go to county, I might be a mom by now. I was healthy enough to try, but they told me to wait and go through DBT first. Then ex-T abandoned me while at county. I lost everything. My health deteriorated to where I'm no longer healthy enough to get pregnant.

I'm also upset because clearly she has moved on. Her life is getting better while my life is getting worse. I lost interest in my hobbies and goals when ex-T left, and am still struggling with it. My health is almost as bad as it was 3 years ago (when I saw a doctor for the first time in 6 years). And now I'm losing my T and Pdoc!

I'm besides myself. I can't take it anymore. Life is not worth this much pain!

Scarlet that sounds like torture to see your t moving on and having what you want. In my experience when I can't sleep and I think googling my ex or ex t this is when I am most self destructive and can literally destroy myself if I see one picture. I have learned to resist those urges to self harm and to be kinder to myself by not comparing my life to theirs. Yes, life can be very painful but it doesn't have to be if we make it a little easier on ourselves by not torturing us at our most vulnerable. How are you doing today?

The best thing you can do for yourself is live a good life worth living. That is the way you get to say hey T you abandoned me but you didn't destroy me. I struggle with living a meaningful life also.

I am sorry you got triggered. It has happened to me before also.

Today is a little better, thank you. Cried it out. Still stings though. I know I've got to stop looking her up. There's a reason all my stuff from her is hidden away in a closet. I just miss her so much sometimes. Especially since the upcoming termination with T and now losing my Pdoc, she has been on my mind. I really do have to stop torturing myself. I know better. And nighttime is the worst for me as it is.

I don't know if I am living a good life. I know I have good things in my life. People tell me I have a good life and it's worth living. But I'm just not content and don't know what I'm missing. Maybe a child? Friends? A degree? A job or other ways to be a part of a group? Idk. There's nothing materialistic I want. I have some family, 4 dogs, and a fiance. I have hobbies if only I could rekindle my passion for them. I wish I was doing better...

I'm really sorry. I know the feeling too well of looking up a therapist online. And then you see pictures you didn't want to see and it hurts like hell. Hugs.

I looked up my most harmful therapist last week for the first time in 8 years. Bad idea. It left me feeling violated and hurt and angry and I don't know what else. I'm going to resist.

As far as a life worth living - let's go back to DBT because I LOVE DBT. How do we get a life worth living? In the old manual (or whatever it is I have), it was handout 17. We get a life worth living by living according to our values.
figure out what your life values and priorities are
identify those that need work
identify goals
choose one goal to work on now
list small action steps
take the first step
That's how we accumulate positive emotions long term.

What are your values? What do you believe is important in life?