Do I send ex-T a "gift"?

I agree bad idea. She could see it as threatening and you could end up in trouble, which you don't need. Maybe you and your T can metaphorically send it to her in your counselling session. So sorry you are hurting.

I still think the best revenge is living a good life and saying T you hurt me but I survived and even prospered.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, and what she did to you was wrong. But you won't ever be able to hurt her the way she hurt you, no matter what you do. She is never going to understand unless your roles are somehow reversed one day and she gets dumped by someone she depended on the way you depended on her. The therapy relationship is one sided. You can't hurt her how she hurt you because she never needed you like you needed her. She was in a uniquely powerful position and she used it for wrong.

Also you may be breaking federal law by sending stuff through the mail like that and the last thing you need is criminal charges to compound the misery this woman caused you!

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I have an ex-T who hurt me badly. I see his kids doing well...he's still married. His life goes on.

He has damaged four generations of my family- four!
He hurt me and, intellectually, he probably knows it.
But he is such a narcissist that he must have convinced his family and community that he was the one wronged. He was set-up...etc. He probably has convinced himself.

I doubt a message from me would make him have an epiphany and make him sorry. A message from me would just help him convince his family he was right- I'm just a crazy person. Sending a book, a present or a message would never give me the response I want..whatever that is.

I go through the many emotions mostly in therapy. I don't think there is any closure. Some time away from it helps reduce the sharpness of the pain.

I hope you can find a subsequent T who can help you with this process.

I agree with what lolagrace has written. She already knows you are upset and in pain. Sending her something nasty in the mail would only make her feel vindicated in severing ties with you. It could make you look unstable and dangerous, which is not in your best interests. Use your current therapist to talk through these feelings.

To this and all of those in shock, yes, ex-T doesn't like kittens. She once told me I could send her all the puppy pictures I wanted, but never send her pictures of kittens.

I wonder how she tolerates babies? Kittens' faces - the big eyes in the tiny face - elicit the same benevolent reaction in people that human babies' faces do, or so studies say.

Anyway, SP, to add to what I said earlier, I do think you should do what you decide you want to do. Just be sure to look at it from every possible angle first.

No, I don't want to get into trouble with the law or anything. It's just that it's not fair. I have to respect her wishes, but she doesn't have to respect mine. She gets to go on with her life as if nothing ever happened, and I have to carry this around for the rest of mine.

You're right. The "gifts" won't do anything except creep her out. That would be a little bit worth it, but not with the legal risk that comes with it. And she will probably never know my pain unless she lost someone close to her. Even then, she might not.

Again, it's not fair.

As for a letter, it might be worth a restraining order? Idk. Probably not, huh? Then I would be legal tied to her in a way. *sigh*

You're right, it's NOT fair at all. Not fair that she did it and not fair that she didn't get in trouble for it. It really sucks and I hope you're able to find a way to deal with how you're feeling, and that things get better for you.

i totally understand. it would have felt good to send these "gifts" to my ex t too.

Cats are the guardians to the underworld. They are inordinately sensitive creatures which straddle the boundary between the living and the dead, they are beholden to no-one and though they may curl up upon your lap, they walk at all hours without anxiety of what the night holds, because they see through the darkness.

What sort of creature would have an aversion to a cat? Something dark which does not want to be seen through. Something which does not want to be seen for what it is. Something that knows it is not what it seems to be.

I truly believe that people who do evil live in daily torment.

Being unable to find joy in something as innocent as a kitten, having taken on the role of therapist only to destroy whatever healing was attempted tells me that this woman is a failure in many spheres of life. Therapists may get to play savior, but so often they are more broken than those they claim to save. And in the darkness that the cats see through, they must sit with that knowledge.

Don't believe the lies. Don't fall prey to the mask. Be like the cat that sees through facade into the depraved depths of an inadequate human being. She is a creature to be pitied, not admired and certainly not mourned.

Scarlet, I have watched a few videos of marsha linehan talking about different aspects of BPD and some of the ways we operate. One of them is to use anger to avoid sadness. Are you sure you're not getting angry all over again with ex-t because your sad about the future loss of current t and pdoc. I know for me this rang true with grandma being sick and dying , yet all my energy was angrily focused on my loser uncle. It was definitely a way to avoid the realities of my emotions with grandma. Is this a possibility?

At Personal Risk: Marilyn R Peterson.

I think this could be a good possibility. I told my T in an email this week that I'm either getting used to losing her and my Pdoc, or I'm becoming numb to it. I have started grieving the loss of both. I have definitely cried already. Maybe now the stage is anger, but instead of directing it at my T and Pdoc, I'm directing it at ex-T. Makes sense. It's easier to be mad at ex-T.

In which case I'd say hold off on anything to do with ex-t. Focus your energy mentally and emotionally on processing your upcoming losses of current T and pdoc.

Maybe your better bet is to honestly share you feelings with T and pdoc. You realize it's ok to be angry with them and still appreciate all they've done for you. Maybe write a letter to both. Writing has always helped me process loss. I don't know how many appointments you have with T but USE them wisely to get the closure you need. Still painful but you have the opportunity you didn't ever really get with ex-T. Make the most of it.

Otoh, she may have bad memories or traumas associated with kittens.

Or like me, highly allergic. They may be cute, but only from a great distance.

I think this was just about pictures. Not really a jokey thread. I know, look who's saying that

I dunno...you can have kitten trauma or be allergic to them and not hate them - you might avoid them or be scared of them, but you wouldn't hate them.

But then, we all already knew this woman had a bunch of stuff wrong with her.

Just seems bizarre to psychoanalyze a person as being a horrid person based on their hatred of a particular animal species. Kind of a bit much when people get so focused on such a strange thing. I know; it goes back to Scarlet's wish to torment her x-T with pictures of kittens because her T hates kittens. Whatever. Not sure that's particularly torment. Just throw the pictures away. No big deal. Now, send her a bushel of live kittens and set them loose in her office . . .

Wondering if I should even post this, but how about a cash gift to a cat rescue organization in her honor. They might send her a note telling her about the gift or they might publish that a gift was received in her honor. Or they might do nothing. I'm just thinking that it would be funny if she got on their mailing list.

Lol! Maybe cuz i just got done watching SNL, but this sounds like the kind of "revenge" Sen Al Franken's old character Stuart would take, cuz darn it im good enough, im smart enough, and i like myself!

Makes you look and seem like a tool. Don't do it.

I'm not going to do it. I don't want legal action taken against me. I don't want to be tied to her in any way.

Good point. Especially about being tied to her in any way.