[ScarletPimpernel]

Another thread got me starting to thinking about my desire to communicate with ex-T. I know most will say no, but I'm hoping someone will support this idea.

I want to send my ex-T a gift.
1. A family of barbie dolls (except barbie won't have a head. Oops! It broke in shipping) -- She hates the smell of barbies
2. A scream mask -- She's afraid of masks
3. Tons of pictures of kittens -- She hates kittens
4. A black rose and a chrysanthemum -- To symbolize the death of our relationship.

It's either that or I write her a letter.

I have sat on this for 7.5 months. I wanted to do this at the 1 year anniversary. I was convinced not to. I was told to wait another year. So now I want to do this on my 2 year anniversary.

I want her to see the pain she has caused me! I want her to remember that she did this to me! I never got answers, and I never will. But I also NEVER got the chance to express myself. She really doesn't know how much I hurt.

It should be my right to show her. I'm not expecting anything in return. I've moved away anyways, so she doesn't even have my address.

I just want her to know my pain!

[junkDNA]

i am inclined to say this is a bad idea and borders on harassment. i understand you are hurting. it is not an easy thing. i can;t imagine your pain over being abandoned by this woman. as far as not getting answers or expressing yourself... i deal with this too over my former T. i have so many questions for him, i want him to know how he basically almost destroyed me. i never will get the answers i want, i have no idea if he can ever truly see the damage he caused to me and my life. some things we just have to grieve on top of the obvious grief of the loss. i cant tell you to not do it, or to do it. its totally up to you Scarlet what you decide. I am just going to say that if you do send these "gifts" i do not think it's going to make anything magically better .

[unaluna]

You are angry at her?

There's a person on reddit who had an extremely painful termination and wants to fly a drone around to see their ex T.

Scarlet, I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. Please note that you could get into trouble with headless Barbie dolls because she could take it as a threat, and is she worth it?

If she has any decency in her as a person, she would know how badly she hurt you, but it's very unlikely you'll ever hear anything from her, much less an apology.

[Out There]

I think I understand the feelings. I wanted to send the traumatising T a book on trauma. Maybe it's trying to make people be what we want and need them to be , like we've tried in the past. I talked about it with my T , but eventually we realize we're wasting energy on them that would be better spent on us. And who hates kittens ??!!. But if you feel it's a nasty energy hanging around you , maybe donate to a cat rescue organization so you send the energy back where it came from but with love. I did this while working with a shaman. You give freely , you receive freely.

[Sarmas]

I agree with junkDNA. I have my own issues with my ex T and I do miss her but there are things that we can't change. It's a business that they run and and as horrible as it sounds theyre able to move on and fill that spot. I know I tried communicating with mine and expressing to her that her thought process was wrong and we did have some miscommunication. However, going back after 3 months and trying to seek the answers that I couldn't get three months ago makes no sense to me. It's something that I'm still grieving and dealing with the way I know how. Like you I was thinking of giving her a last gift but my gift being very different not meant to upset her. It would be a Christmas gift and still that might be far fetched. That's the only gift I ever gave her. I wrote nothing but happy holidays on the card. There was nothing mushy about it but just a thanks for your service type of thing. It's very much the way I give a gift during Christmas to my kids teachers. My t and I ended in strange way I was contemplating giving her the gift like a thanks and I don't hate you type of thing. I'm still debating because I don't want her to think that I'm obsessing. I'm still contemplating whether I will do so or not. Then I ask myself if that's really necessary or is it that I feel that I need to keep communications lines open in some way. Perhaps I'm looking for a response which means I'm still grieving. I think it's best in situations like these to let our Ts be. Im sorry that you're hurting and really struggling but I'm not sure how beneficial it will be to reach out especially in that fashion. In my opinion she will look at it as harassment. I think communication termination especially when the client is still upset should just be avoided. My T reminded me numerous times that if I decide to to take a therapy break or I terminated that I was not to contact her at all unless it was to schedule an appt.

Yeah, bad idea.

[Myrto]

Dissenting opinion: I don't think this is a bad idea. If you think it will help you truly move on, why not? As long as you're not expecting anything from ex-T because she won't respond (and has no way of responding to you anyway). I know people here are going to say that you should let go and that's a fair argument. But if sending a "gift" to her to show how much she hurt you is what you need so that you can completely let go and move on, again why not? What does your T think about this?

[itisnt]

I do get it that this T was a bag full of ugliness when it came to her treatment of her. Even worse, is that her OWN professional organization failed to give her a reprimand for her poor professionalism, but I guess I have to say, sending any of those "gifts" to her will probably only come back on you in a bad way. She would probably view it as harassment and because somewhere inside of her I hope she has some shame for her poor treatment of you, she might try to soothe her own shame by turning to the "authorities" to complain about what you sent her.

You come across as a very intelligent individual, SP. Why not get a really good textbook on the traumatizing mistakes that therapists make, read it, highlight in bright yellow highlighter the passages that describe and illuminate the traumatizing behavior of poorly trained therapists and send it to her. She might not read it, but maybe she will. It will be a message from you, given to her in her professional language. You're not in any way threatening her with approach, but instead, you're talking to her in "therapist speak" about how poorly trained and unprofessional she is. Might work and it might give you at least some degree of satisfaction.

I wish that she hadn't hurt you so much with her terrible behavior. I'm glad you found a better T to help you process all this, but I can also see that the damage and pain might fade a little . . . but not much.

[Waterbear]

I would go for the letter personally, because I think the words would explain more clearly what is going on for you.

I have been considering sending a letter to my senior school to detail to them the effect that their behaviour had on my being. I don't want anything back from them but I want them to know how much they (and the employed counsellors) nearly screwed up my life, that an environment that is supposed to support and encourage young people did almost the complete opposite for me. I came out much worse than I went in and they could not help because they either did not know how or because they did not want to admit to the problems that the school had. Maybe this would Aldo give them a chance to get it right should a similar situation present itself. The final part is me explaining myself to them. Letting them know that this was massively on them, not on me, almost apologising for what I did without it being an apology if that makes sense.

I don't know, but I do get the drive inside to do something rather than just sit back and accept it, because it feels like you are giving in to bad workmanship. I get that and I say that you should write that letter if you want, if you think that doing so will bring you peace, but just be aware that it may not, that you may forever be waiting for a response that you know will never come.

[Waterbear]

OK, sorry, just to add that I think a part of me might actually want a reply, for them to apologise, to admit to their mistakes. Nearly 20 years and still this is unsettled.

[awkwardlyyours]

I look at this purely from an instrumental perspective. Do it if you want to but make sure of the following --

Is there a non-trivial chance that she'll make an official complaint of some sort on receiving it? If yes, do you still want to sign your name? If you don't want to sign your name, wouldn't she anyhow know it's you (given your history with her)?

To me, a revenge fantasy like this would be most satisfying only if I could observe the other person's reaction -- you don't seem to be able to do that with your idea. So, you'll basically be back to square one wondering at some point as to how she took it. Maybe after all the sturm und drang that you went through, she'll just have a moment or two of anger / pain / disgust etc and move on with her life. Are you okay with that i.e., your 2+ years of heart-ache = a couple of moments of discomfort for her?

So, I guess basically, while I have little to say on whether it's a good or bad thing, I'm just not sure it'll get you what you're looking for (and again, I have no judgment on what it is that you're looking for).

[ScarletPimpernel]

I want to voice my pain. I feel she has silenced me for her benefit; not mine. It's been a little over a year and a half and I have respected her request for no direct contact. I wanted to contact her 7.5 months ago, but was advised that it might mess up my complaint with the board. So I stayed quiet yet again. Well, the complaint is done with. And I still hurt. And yes, I'm angry! She had another baby! She gets to be happy while I suffer? Where's karma? Where's justice? I want her to know that she failed, that she damaged me, violated me!

Sure, I want an apology. Sure, I still want answers. But I know that waiting for a response will kill me. That's why I would leave no forwarding address. I guess if she wanted to, she could figure out ways to contact me (phone, email, current T), but that won't happen.

I'm just going to be truthful. Please don't judge me. I would never do these things:

Possible trigger:

I constantly have thoughts of stabbing her in the throat. I think it is me symbolically silencing her. I also have thoughts of making an appt with her under an alias, getting a gun (no bullets), and holding her up at her job for answers. Don't worry, I can never get a gun. These are just thoughts.

I don't know why all these emotions have come up. My guess is it's the impending termination with Pdoc and T. All the fear and all the pain is rushing in.

I just want ex-T to know how much she has hurt me. I never got the chance to express myself. The termination was 6 mins! In that time, all I could do was beg for her to stay. She doesn't know about the ER visits, the stitches, the days in bed, the problems she caused with my relationship with current T, how my mental health, physical health, hopes, goals, dreams, joys, and interests have all diminished because of what she did to me. And I'm still feeling the affects a year and a half later! I'm still attached to her. A part of me still loves her (how pathetic am I?!?!) I have a hole in my heart that can never be filled and she caused it; she has caused permanent damage to me.

I want her to know...

[Pennster]

I really like itisnt's idea of sending a book, if you do decide to do anything. I have often contemplated sending my current therapist's book to my former therapist who retraumatized me. (Though it's not a very analogous situation- I genuinely believe my old therapist was sincerely trying but didn't know how to deal with the stuff that our work dredged up. My current therapist believes that it is a major problem that some therapists don't have enough ways to deal with traumatic material that arises in therapy, so his book specifically addresses that.)

I am not sure if sending anything will help you, but I do think like itisnt that something that speaks intrinsically to therapists might be a good way to get a message across.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Ugh. I hate reading. If I did a book, would you have any suggestions? Something not too difficult to read?

[doogie]

Sorry for the off subject...

But your ex-T doesn't like KITTENS???

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by doogie

Sorry for the off subject...


But your ex-T doesn't like KITTENS???

And Barbies have a smell?

Scarlett, speaking as someone who has harbored similar impulses at times (as violent and destructive as your worst ones), never realized them, and doesn't regret not realizing them, I think it comes down to this: five years down the road, if you did one of these things, how would you feel about yourself? That's what stopped me; I didn't want to see myself as vengeful and bitter.

Also...she may not know the details of what you went through, but she knew you would be badly hurt, and she did it anyway. She did not care about the effect of her action on you. (What else would you expect of someone who hates kittens?). And if you do one of these things, it won't so much hurt her as allow her to confirm to herself that she was right to do what she did.

I suspect your ex T knows you are hurt by her actions as evidenced by you filing against her. You communicated to her via letter/questions through your current T if I remember correctly. She knows. She just doesn't care.

The problem is that you want her to suffer for it, but she isn't suffering. The people who inflict pain on us rarely suffer, and certainly not to the extent we do ourselves. And to cause them the amount of pain it would take to get them to feel that level of suffering we, ourselves, have experienced would make us just like them. Monstrous. Is that what you really want? Of course not. You are a good person and person in pain, but you wouldn't inflict pain on another individual because that is really not in your nature.

Talk to your current therapist about this. Vent your fantasy and talk it through. She will understand and help you through this period of anger you are experiencing. She will help you figure out why this is coming up right now and if it is related to the impending loss of your current T and pdoc. My guess is that is what brought this up; it feels familiar.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

It's been a little over a year and a half and I have respected her request for no direct contact.

I am sorry that you have been so hurt and I wish you peace in healing from that.

In my state, a person who makes contact with someone after that person has requested no contact is subject to criminal harassment charges and a restraining order. If you use the U.S. mail to make contact, there may be federal charges.

Even if you were to make contact and no legal consequences were to happen, there is still the issue of how you might feel about yourself to consider. One of the many things that defines who were are is how and when we choose to take the "high road" or to do the right thing, despite our emotional desires. In my experience, a desire for revenge against the perpetrator who abused me and to a lesser extent, the same impulses towards others who have been objectively less harmful isn't something that made me feel good about myself, nor have the small steps I have taken to carry out pretty mild versions of what I considered payback. Not only did it not make me feel better, but I just didn't want to be the kind of person who was aiming to create more pain in the world. It has helped me to try to create less.

I don't mean to lecture you or fingerpoint, but there just isn't any justification to make contact with someone who has asked you to stop. Being sneaky by doing it anonymously just emphasizes that you know the wrongfulness of it and are attempting to avoid any consequences. Trying to proactively harm someone, even with something as nonthreatening as a kitten pic, is still harm no matter how you might try to excuse it.

It seems that you will never get what you want by doing this, I suspect. Even if she were to open it (and I certainly wouldn't, if it were sent anonymously), it may distress her. But that won't communicate your pain, I fear. I think it will just communicate your desire to hurt her, which will just reinforce the reasons why she terminated you as a client in the first place.

Maybe the larger issue is what do you do when you can't tell the person who hurt you of your pain? Coming to terms with not being able to get what you want from other people is a tough thing to tackle, but it sounds like you have the current support to be able to do that. Finding ways to let go of pain and disappointment and move forward is really difficult. It feels much like what I have experienced after my CSA perpetrator died, without me being able to tell him that I remember what he did and all the many ways it nearly undid me. And I'd say it's not like this was a one time event and the process is still ongoing after many years, but it is possible to find peace with it.

[Salmon77]

It sounds like you have suffered and are suffering a great deal, but I do not think this would solve any of your problems and it might in fact create new ones. Sending her these items could constitute harassment; she might even interpret it as a threat. She could probably get a restraining order against you.

[precaryous]

Yes, not the best idea. I agree, the board would not view this favorably even if the board action is finished.

I'm concerned that you don't have control over her reaction. She may initiate some kind of complaint against you for harassment or a restraining order. Her reaction may require you to hire a lawyer, etc. and tie you up in a negative bond with her even when you are tired of it all.

You will probably never get the response you want....I agree you may want to grieve this in therapy.

I think writing her a letter for your own catharsis could be very beneficial but I don't see the benefit in sending it to her. And the other stuff could be perceived as threatening (even if that's not your intention), which in her mind would probably make her feel justified in terminating you.
I think you should talk lots to your current T about where these desires are coming from. You still sound very hurt and angry.
Remember, you are the important one here. What she thinks and feels are of no consequence now.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by doogie

Sorry for the off subject...

But your ex-T doesn't like KITTENS???

I know,right? That's a red flag, right there.

[ilikecats]

I think a strongly worded letter would be much better than these creepy gifts. If you must send a gift, I'd go with the pictures of kittens. But really, you shouldn't send any of these to her. A letter telling her how she hurt you should suffice.

[growlycat]

Is this anger coming up in part because your clinic is making you switch t's again? Old t was just awful and I think we are all with you on that. But just maybe you have the right to be angry with your current team that is transitioning out. Can you express to them how this change is triggering the old loss? I am sorry you have to go through all of this.