Toe in the water

So today was a really intense session for me. I've been really depressed about the end of my relationship. Even though my lover and I broke up ages ago, we kept on seeing each other (off and on) and never brought a final closure to our past until this weekend (final goodbyes). I'd told T that some of our conversations over the weekend were really sad but that I didn't see a reason to relive that pain by repeating it. But of course I hated not to tell him things. In the last 8 minutes of the session, I managed to repeat some of the painful things I had said. And that was the first time I have ever cried in therapy. He offered me his hand a couple of times (I didn't take it). Once he told me to come over to him (I didn't). He came near me and asked me why I covered my face. He talked about crying and told me I cried beautifully (no snot!). I didn't sob or anything (too much of a control freak for that), just let the tears fall out of my eyes. I joked that it had only taken a year and a half for me to cry. He said "it took a year and a half for you to dip your toe in the water of crying."

I said the water was too hot.

On the way out I said "I never took your hand" and took his hand for a moment then. He's worried that I'll feel bad about the session, but I think I'll only feel bad that I couldn't let him see more than I did. But it was still more than ever before.

When I went home I spent most of the afternoon hidden under a blanket on the couch. I still find myself covering my face.

Sidony

WOW......what a great dipping of the toe...this is really awesome!!!

Wow......I wish I could put my toe in that water.....it would be so nice to REALLY cry.....its been over a year since Ive cried too.....hmmm
I think you did a great job letting go......awesome.