[1stepatatime]

Last evening I emailed my therapist ( it's allowed) and went on to tell her that while I really like working with her I still do not completely trust her. We've been working together for almost four years. I went on to explain that part of the reason I'm still resistant to certain things ( body work) is due to the lack of trust and I feel that if she would only give me more feedback on her feelings regarding me I'd probably trust in her more than I do. My therapist wants me to FEEL our relationship, to trust in that, to KNOW how she feels based on my experiences with her. I get what she's saying and I do get something from our experiences together however I think it is only natural for me to want to hear " I like working with you Onestep, or I do care about you 1step". I don't need this reassurance all of the time but it would be nice to hear that, don't you think??
We meet on Tuesday after a month off due to my surgery and her going away for training, I hope that she's not over me!

[runlola72]

I hear you. I often daydream about T telling me he likes me and enjoys being around me. I know I'm not supposed to think of him as a friend or anything else, but damn, you're with someone weekly for at least an hour talking about intimate details of your life, I think it's natural to yearn for some positive feedback. I get that she wants you to FEEL the relationship, but why can't you have both? Did you ask her that?

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by runlola72

I hear you. I often daydream about T telling me he likes me and enjoys being around me. I know I'm not supposed to think of him as a friend or anything else, but damn, you're with someone weekly for at least an hour talking about intimate details of your life, I think it's natural to yearn for some positive feedback. I get that she wants you to FEEL the relationship, but why can't you have both? Did you ask her that?

Hi there
I haven't asked her why she can't just give me some positive feedback in person but I'm certain it will come up when we meet on Tuesday. She's a good therapist but she can be pretty stubborn when she feels strongly about something. We shall see what happens!

[MBM17]

I hope she meets that need of yours.

I've had therapists who were really hung up on the therapy relationship. It was really important to them to stay very professional, so strong attachment was discouraged, which means they tried to keep the relationship as impersonal as possible. It was horrible. They would never have said that they enjoyed having me in therapy.

I'm not saying your therapist wants disconnection like them. I'm saying that because my current therapist is very different. He tells me I'm doing good work by being in therapy. He tells me when I'm doing a great job with handling a situation. He has told me a handful of times that he likes to have me in therapy. Approval - it's a BIG deal to me. My previous therapists wouldn't meet that need, but this therapist says, "I see approval as a crucial part of what we do in therapy." He has told me a few times that he thinks I'm enjoyable to talk to and have in therapy. It is a deep need of mine that he meets, and it's really important to me.

It seems really unfair to me for your therapist to say you need to come up with this stuff yourself. Some people's love language is words of affirmation, and some people's isn't. Maybe kind or complimentary words aren't important to her personally, but they are for others and for you, so I don't think she should have such a hard stance.

That said, this is certainly between you and your therapist. These are just my thoughts as I read over what you wrote.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by MBM17

I hope she meets that need of yours.

I've had therapists who were really hung up on the therapy relationship. It was really important to them to stay very professional, so strong attachment was discouraged, which means they tried to keep the relationship as impersonal as possible. It was horrible. They would never have said that they enjoyed having me in therapy.

I'm not saying your therapist wants disconnection like them. I'm saying that because my current therapist is very different. He tells me I'm doing good work by being in therapy. He tells me when I'm doing a great job with handling a situation. He has told me a handful of times that he likes to have me in therapy. Approval - it's a BIG deal to me. My previous therapists wouldn't meet that need, but this therapist says, "I see approval as a crucial part of what we do in therapy." He has told me a few times that he thinks I'm enjoyable to talk to and have in therapy. It is a deep need of mine that he meets, and it's really important to me.

It seems really unfair to me for your therapist to say you need to come up with this stuff yourself. Some people's love language is words of affirmation, and some people's isn't. Maybe kind or complimentary words aren't important to her personally, but they are for others and for you, so I don't think she should have such a hard stance.

That said, this is certainly between you and your therapist. These are just my thoughts as I read over what you wrote.

Thanks so much for your post. I don't think she is looking to stay disconnected from me but with her it's like she wants me to hold on to our connection without offering me any words that would be affirming or reinforcing the therapeutic relationship. Maybe that works for some people but I need more than that. I guess time will tell if she is up for the task!