Abandonment fears

I am suffering from my abandonment fears as T is on vacation. I feel like I'm never going to be grounded again. This is humiliating, it isn't something I'm choosing. I am ashamed just posting this. I wish this pain would go away. I'm doing the things I'm supposed to do but I feel like it's for naught. It's taking me into a depression where I don't feel like doing anything. Unfortunately, I have to go to work and act like I'm doing fine. I want to start crying and not stop until the pain is gone. I want to be normal and not have this worry. I'm trying to be kind to myself because that's what my T would tell me to do. But it's so sad and frustrating to be somebody you don't want to be. I've said this before, but I just want to give up so it'll all be over. But somehow I can't.

I know this is hard. I have had this every vacation 18 in all over 9 years. Did your T give you an object from the office like a business card or pillow. That is what my T did each time. You will be okay focus on the happiness you will feel at your next appointment it won't be forever even though right now I know that forever is how it feels.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. I know, first hand, how difficult abandonment fears can be. I struggle tremendously with attachment and abandonment and I often fear that my therapist is going to leave me. Thankfully, she is both aware and understanding of my fears regarding abandonment. And, she does her best to reassure me.

I often ask my therapist if she is going to go away. Most times, she will reassure me and tell me that she isn't going away. She has shown me her phone calendar to allow me to see that I'm in her calendar for forever. She tells me all the time that she doesn't give up on people and that I'm stuck with her. Recently, she also told me that she isn't going to leave me. It's helpful to hear her reassure me, but it doesn't take away my feelings. She tells me that, in time, these feelings will lessen and I will see that she isn't going away. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening any time soon...

I usually see my T twice a week. Well, every other week. Every other week, I see her once and talk to her on the phone once. Those weeks are harder due to my attachment and abandonment. Thankfully, she also allows out of session contact - that makes things more manageable. This week, I only saw her once and, due to the holiday, I didn't get to see or talk to her again. To make matters worse, she is out of town and unavailable until Monday. It's been super difficult for me and a lot of emotions have come up. None of this may be helpful to you, but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and that we are here for you. As difficult as this time is, you will get through it. Keep pushing through and know that your T isn't going to abandon you - they will be back and everything will return to normal. The good news, too, is that this will give you something to work on going forward. I hear that's the way to ease these feelings...I'm still working on that, though.

Gosh, please don't feel ashamed on top of all the anxiety. There have been whole threads about T's on vacation, a lot of us suffer. Intrusive thoughts about being abandoned are not uncommon. You have a lot of company in this, especially at this time of year when T's go away for holidays, etc.

I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable. If the coping mechanisms aren't working then maybe try something else-- could you visualize being in your T's office and what that will feel like once she's back and it's all back to normal?

how long is your t away for? When my t is away I really suffer too and then I feel ashamed that I still miss her.sometimes I have panicked so much that I have made appointments with other ts. Now I write stuff down that I would usually tell her. I find this helps me stay close to her. T knows I have real trouble when she goes away and so she draws a map of the places she is going so I can follow her and won't feel as bad.

No, T did not give me an object. I have until a week from Wednesday. I will try to follow your advice. Thanks so much!

My therapist is like yours, in that he tries to reassure me. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing with your T not being back until Monday. Thank you for your thoughts, they really helped. Take care.

Mostlylurking,
Thank you for your reply. I will try visualize being in T's office. Take care.

T is away until a week from this Wednesday. I did the same thing you did, but I panicked and looked up therapists online. The problem is, it's expensive and I don't trust that the therapist will have the knowledge that I need. I am writing things down in my journal. I WISH I knew where he went, because for some reason that always helps me. I'm glad you said that because I thought it was just me. It's like if I can visualize where he is, then it lessens the anxiety. Thank you for your reply. Take care.

I know that longing, fear, abandonment, humiliation. Just chiming in to say that you are not alone. I can also say that it has gotten better. Still not great, but better. I was actually able to cope with t1 not texting as arranged on Fri. It surprised me.

The one thing I know to do is to keep remembering times where he was gone and came back. I keep running those memories over and over to drown out the abandonment.

I hope the time passes quickly. I also read stuff on this forum. It helps me to not feel so alone.

Kecanoe,
Good advice, thank you. I'm worried about having to work with these emotions. Take care.

Tsunami for those of us dealing with abandonment and anxiety, I know it's really difficult when our therapist are out of town - particular for longer time periods. As others have said on this post you are certainly not alone in the way you feel.

Also, if possible this is a great time to work on any coping skills you have - distract and redirect is one of my favorite. (I.e. Ohh I'm thinking I about my therapist again, that's ok. Now what do I need to do next). Since this particular vacation was longer than past vacations I did make sure I had something scheduled pretty much every day to get myself out of my own head such as adult children of alcoholics meetings, hiking with friends, and other "accountable" structured activities.

Also my therapist says it's a good time to practice being assured that "we go away but we always come back together again"

Of course, that's much easier said than done. My therapist has been gone for 17 days and I will see her tomorrow. One thing I've done during this time is to journal something every day that I would like to tell her. Also in my journal I write down the Number of days she's been gone and the number of days left. And I can see how well I'm doing/coping if that makes sense but I can also see how many days are left as a comfort.

One thought that others have indirectly touched on is that I believe most therapists to leave an emergency contact number on their answering machine or or at their office, so if you do get in to a place where you're in overwhelming emotional distress that might be a resource for you also.

Hang in there. And it seems like this group is a great resource

Dphoto,
I just watched a T.V. series that I have been watching and that helped. I am usually not this bad, but this time I have a lot going on. Work is stressful, not seeing T is stressful, and I had an incident before/around the time T left that was stressful. I feel so overwhelmed that I can't get over it. Thank you for your reply.

There really isn't a good time when you're working through attachment. But I certainly understand some are more stressful than others.

For me there are definitely moments/days where I am in "I can't wait a moment longer"

I wish I could offer something to make the time more palatable.

. Dee

Thank you Dee. I seemed to have gotten myself out of the "I can't take this anynmore" feeling. True, that there really isn't a good time to work through attachment. Good point. Thanks!

Since there are different kinds of fear related to abandonment, is it fear that he doesn't care? Fear that he won't schedule another appointment and ends the working relationship? Fear that if he goes away, you'll lose the safety net he gives you? You said fear that you'll never be grounded again; is it fear that you'll lose his help and be left to deal with everything on your own?

For me, sometimes naming the feelings helps lower my distress.

And oh my heck that is a freaking long vacation!!!!!!

That's such a good idea. My T was just away for Thanksgiving and we missed 2 sessions. I wrote and emailed her, and she texted each day just to check in. I didn't really like that coming off my previous T with broken boundaries; I think what you suggested might actually work...Thanks for this.

That's kind of a good point. One of the things that I've had to learn is the idea of "opposite action, opposite thought". E.g., therapist is away for a week. My thought becomes "She doesn't care about me. She never did. I haven't crossed her mind once while she's been gone." (Gives me shame to admit that). Opposite thought for me is something like "Remember when she had so much empathy for me and it made me feel safe? That hasn't gone away and never will." Opposite action might be 'I feel a ton of anxiety while she's gone, so I'm going to work out every time it spikes.' When she gets back, we talk some about the times she was gone, and she thought about me and our work. If you can accept that, it's kind of comforting to know how often you're on your therapist's mind. Next time, I can use that discussion for opposite thought.

Anyone else tired of being a mess?

Kecanoe,
Thanks for your reply. I hear what you are saying. I'm stable at the moment but who knows if it will come back or not. Good idea to visualize your therapist coming back. I've also been reading a lot on here. It does help one not to feel so alone. Take care.
Tsu

MBM, excellent question. I have a hard time discerning what it actually is. I know that I have a fear that he is angry at me or he thinks I'm a waste of his time type of thing. I don't feel that now, but at times, I definitely do. I do fear that I'll lose the safety net of him because I tend to get stressed/upset at work and T helps me understand why. When I'm ungrounded, it feels like I'm falling and yes, I fear that I'll never be grounded again and that I'll be left alone to deal with all of my emotions. That's a big one, fear of being left with all of my emotions. I do have an H who helps and who I have been talking to. He has helped. I had something kind of harrowing happen at work the other day, but I ended up handling it okay, which was a shock to me. I never know when I'm going to feel the abandonment fear or for how long. It's so annoying to say the least. And yes, he did take a LONG vacation. Thank you so much for your help!

I am absolutely tired of being a mess! Opposite action makes a lot of sense. I'll try to think of things he said that made me feel safe. I actually reread a lot of my texts that I send him where he replies. He allows me to text, and I do when I absolutely need to, but I appreciate his generosity and don't want to take advantage of it. Sometimes it's difficult, though. I have a hard time thinking that he is thinking about me. I think he's trying to think about anything but work. I'm taking it day by day and today was a good day. Usually, I would have session tomorrow, but now I have to wait another week. Ugh. I am really trying not to text him. Thanks so much for your reply! Take care.

I think we might be clones....

I'm always worried that I have this finite amount of contact I'm allowed outside of sessions, and that it becomes burdensome, then irritating, and then repulsive to my T. You know, we've talked a lot about it. When a good T embarks on this career, they understand that our problems don't go from 9-9:50 in the morning. It sounds crazy that this stuff is parceled out in 50 minute blocks, like going to meth clinic. The T walks this dynamic line - need to support the patient without creating dependency, providing coping skills but knowing when it's a true crisis, etc....

When I first started to understand that my T thought about me away from session, actually quite a lot, I had a ton of shame, guilt, and humiliation. I don't know how to describe it. Like I had manipulated her into caring and that she would soon figure out that I wasn't worth her thoughts. At the same time, it's what I wanted and needed to know - that she cared enough to hope I was ok.

I'm sorry you are struggling in this way, and I know the pain and humiliation you are talking about because I suffered for years with the same fears and still do to a milder extent... if it is any consolation to you, I thought I would be depressed and empty feeling forever, but I'm finally at a place where those long nights of obsessing are over. I'm not sure how it finally clicked with me, and it would be way too much to type, but yes keep trying to be kind to yourself. I think it all starts there. You cant give up because you know deep down it can get better, and that the voice telling you to give up is just your depression/anxiety voice.

Parva, I've responded to what you wrote, and have bolded what you said.

I'm always worried that I have this finite amount of contact I'm allowed outside of sessions, and that it becomes burdensome, then irritating, and then repulsive to my T.

No doubt!!! I usually feel that way, but my current T has reassured me that what I've done thus far is okay. My previous T became repulsed with me and terminated.

You know, we've talked a lot about it. When a good T embarks on this career, they understand that our problems don't go from 9-9:50 in the morning. It sounds crazy that this stuff is parceled out in 50 minute blocks, like going to meth clinic. The T walks this dynamic line - need to support the patient without creating dependency, providing coping skills but knowing when it's a true crisis, etc....

Exactly. It's like their job is to help us get our needs met as much as possible/heal our abandonment wounds but they have fifty minutes to do this a week plus between session contact. For me, the in between session contact is a must. It's where I've done a lot of healing. I'm always afraid that I become too much and that he's going to take it away.

Like I had manipulated her into caring and that she would soon figure out that I wasn't worth her thoughts.

This sounds like a dark thought that I would have. I am always assigning malevolent intentions to things I say/think/do. And exactly, I fear that he will figure out that I'm not worth his time.

We may be clones

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry you had to suffer for years. It's so good to hear of a story where someone makes it out the other side. Yes, my T tells me that I need to be kind and talk kindly to myself. Take care.