New Member/Terminated sessions by therapist

Agreed! Transference is very common (just look around on this forum and the "Romantic Feelings for my Therapist" subforum, for one). I told my marriage counselor about a year and a half ago that I was "attracted to him physically and emotionally." Thankfully, he's quite experienced, recognized it as transference and felt comfortable working with me on it a bit (though I mainly work on it with my individual T) and continuing to work with H and I (and I eventually realized it's more paternal transference than erotic, even though he's only 12 years older than me). Dealing with and processing the transference has also helped me realize some of what I was missing in childhood (the paternal part) and some of what seemed to be missing in my marriage. So it's had therapeutic benefit (despite being painful at times).

Buffy, it just seems weird to me how quickly your T terminated. I mean, she didn't even meet with you after reading your e-mail, right? She should have at the very least met with you to discuss it. I have to wonder if she had a bad experience with a former patient who had transference or something. This definitely seems to be about her, not about you.

We did meet at my scheduled appointment. It was a very awkward session for me. She seemed happy and cheery in mentioning the crush and then said that she had spoken with her colleague and wants me to see her. I didn't get the vibe she was uncomfortable. I'm definitely going to find out from the new T what the hell happened. Thank you for the reassurance I really appreciate it!

Bottom line to me is emphasize client self-determination. Even the question of whether to terminate should be left primarily to the client, unless there are extreme circumstances. I think it's one of the biggest absurdities in the biz, that therapists can just decide to shut it down.

To make unilateral decisions is both selfish and delusional. Selfish because it might give the therapist an easy out from something that makes them personally uncomfortable, and allow them to save face by making a big show of authority in the face of failure; and delusional because they are not omniscient and cannot possibly know what will serve another person best without consulting said person.

Therapists are paid to serve the client. When it comes to whether or how to end, this still applies. They can't suddenly commandeer the process, at the most critical point where most harm can be done, and still pretend they are acting in the best interest of the client. It's reckless to cut a client off cold. It violates first-do-no-harm in the most egregious way.

The client should never be disempowered, shamed, rejected, silenced.

If termination becomes inevitable or is mutually agreed upon, then some sort of plan should be outlined. Do you taper off? Will there be future contact? What sort? What if the client goes into a terrible spiral? Again, give the client control and autonomy. They paid for that right.

This was very helpful, thank you! I didn't want to blame myself or believe she failed me but she absolutely did. I really had her on a pedestal. I wrote a letter I won't be sending, but its actually something I learned from her. Ironic I'm using it on her now.

An update: I spoke with the new T through a phone call in which I described how I've been concerned I'm experiencing trauma reaction. She said it sounds like grief. She wanted to make sure I wasn't suicidal which was a welcoming inquiry. ( I am not however) but I am very hard on myself often times when I am not at fault. I am very self deprecating at times. The new T said that because of the communication outreach on my end outside of therapy that it became unhealthy. Former T wasn't getting through to me to improve on my circumstances and because I kept reaching out it was a signal it wasn't working for me. Which of course I know, but she mentioned that she does not text or email because that is communication between friends. She made it clear she is not my former T and it won't be anything like that. I think she probably doesn't agree with the former T's communication with patients. But we did discuss that therapy is intended for people who can manage with an hour out of a week. If I feel the need for more attention then I should consider support groups or brief hospitalization. I told her I would like to see her for my first appointment and see how it goes. I basically told her I just want to get through my 30th birthday lol. New T is worried that because it's the same building it might not be a good idea to see her, but is leaving it up to me to decide if I should look for new therapists elsewhere.

The ex T did what she could to her best ability and has helped with what she could, and I am thankful for what I had while seeing her. I feel better knowing it was her unable to help as opposed to what I had been fearing, her just being sick of me or disgusted by my attachment and many other insecurities I have.

Thank you so much to all who have shown me support and good honest opinions. I'm very grateful to this forum and this amazing outlet for me. I feel sad still but there has been a shred of hope exposed that tells me I'll get through this.

Hm, sounds like this new T might not be the best fit for you... But I guess go a few times and see. Honestly, it sounds like she's just making excuses for your now-former T. Especially saying it's grief, not trauma--because trauma has more of an implication that T did something wrong. Even if she didn't think she was helping you, she shouldn't have ended so abruptly with you. She should have had a discussion with you about it to see your thoughts. I feel like termination for the most part should be a mutual decision (or just up to the client). If she had problems with you contacting her out of session, then she should have discussed other ways to handle that desire/need for contact rather than terminating in part because of it (assuming that's what new T meant).

And I disagree that therapy isn't working if you need outside contact--some people just need more frequent support at times than an hour a week. I appreciate the fact that both my T and marriage counselor allow out-of-session contact (though it was an issue with T at one point because she said my e-mails were getting too long and taking up too much of her time--we've since resolved that issue, I think).

That's just... um... bizarre. I get that some T's allow out of session contact and some don't, but this implies that T's who are allowing out of session contact are ineffectual, which is flat wrong. Nor do I think that clients who need to meet 2 or 3 times a week should consider support groups or hospitalization instead because therapy's not for them. Is this an elderly T, educated circa 1955?

Sorry Buffyfaithlvr, I don't mean to be snide but wanted to convey how out of the ordinary this seems to me.

Oftentimes when people start wanting more out of session contact, it's because a good relationship is being developed with the T and an attachment has formed, often between younger (thus needier) parts of a client and the T. I'm sure there are many ways therapy can work, but that's a common pattern. If a T referred out every client who formed an attachment and wanted out of session contact, they wouldn't be getting very far with most clients.

Somewhere on this forum we had a thread asking whether our T's allowed out of session contact, and I remember it because someone posted "I would be dead if he didn't." I always think of that when I hear about a boundary ninja like this supervisor T. She doesn't sound like a good T to me.

I agree so much with mostly lurking. This new t also has very strange ideas about how therapy should work. Feeling needy and needing more contact can indicate that a bond is forming. Um that is a good thing for therapy!! I've been lucky that my t's allow between session contact. This t has very strange ideas and dangerously wrong ideas. Any luck looking elsewhere ?

I dont feel that I will be able to trust another therapist after this so I'm wondering if I should not bother altogether. I keep finding peace with it and then a new thought comes around or I read what you guys say and I'm gutted thinking that my perception is off. The fact I don't trust my own choices and decisions makes this extremely hard for me and especially when I want to trust others. I'm not sure what will come of my appointment next Wednesday but I will be sure to state my wariness and distrust. One thing for sure is my ex T without a doubt destroyed me.

I am wondering if you should interview well outside this particular practice if you decide to continue therapy

I'm sorry if what we're saying is causing you distress. I think it's natural to think that T's are good people who went into a helping profession and have our best interests at heart, and perhaps you have good reason to see your ex-T or supervisor T that way. T's are pretty variable, though... some are great, some are inept, a few are power-hungry, etc. They're no more moral than the rest of us as far as I can see. I've just been hoping that you find a quality therapist who is more reasonable than your ex-T, and my guess it that supervisor T won't be it.

Have you looked at some of the different modalities out there? Maybe try googling for a "client-centered," Rogerian, or humanistic therapist, for instance. I'm guessing any of those would have a very different approach, which might make it easier to trust them.

Agree that there ARE excellent therapists out there. And not so great ones etc. I personally have found therapy very rewarding. One of the best things I've ever done for myself. I wouldn't want to discourage you either.

I think you are right, I will be looking into what else is in my area.

Thank you very much for the suggestions! I will be looking into them.

Having had a brief hospitalization, I just want to say that being hospitalized does nothing for attachment issues or for needing more contact than one hour a week. Being hospitalized can stop a person from hurting themselves. It can give someone a safe space to regroup. It can help with med changes. There may be some educational groups. But even at the very intensive treatment I went to, there were only 3 private counseling sessions per week. And 3 sessions with a t you don't even know isn't going to fix anything.

Of course, that is from my perspective which includes 4 (now tapering down to 3) sessions per week as an outpatient. For five years. It is what I have needed.

Thank you for sharing your experience and your feedback, I suppose a support group would be my best option. I think that's what my old T was trying to recommend I do and because I wasn't responding to her advice I think she just decided she couldn't give me what I needed. I truly felt like she was a friend I could just go vent to.

It seems kind of odd to suggest that a person either be hospitalized or join a support group. I have nothing against support groups and have actually found them to be helpful over the years.It is, however, a totally different dynamic from therapy.

Are there support groups in your area that would potentially be helpful? If yes, then I would suggest you give it a try. If helpful then you can decide if you want to stick with support group alone or do both. I have found people at support groups who are willing to listen to me no matter what the time of day or night, which is a wonderful gift.