[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm coming home from my week-long vacation tomorrow and I can't cope. I found out he will most likely extend my mandate after 5 months. I feel heartbroken, that's 11 more months. After finally finding a therapist I actually trust and can work with, I can't see her because I've been switched to BPD program. They also just told me I am not allowed to tailk to her at all because it's preventing me from bonding wirh my new therapist (her office is just down the hall). I feel so trapped. The truth is the opposite, I bond better when I feel safer and I feel safer knowing she is there if Im desperate. but I don't get an opinion at this point:

Possible trigger:

I want to hurt muself so badly when I get home and bleed out. i still have the saw

I feel so alone

Even though I hate emergency psych, there's nothing worse than trigger[telling the ER doxtor that the new cut to the bone that knicked the artery was done with an electric saw and being told I'm on my own because psych is done with me]./trigger I got dizzy and psssed out and she amended this, now psych will have nothing to do with me but if I get really sick I can stay im yhe medical ER FOR UP to 24 hours. She even told me this is becayse of the bpd diagnosis.

I treated 100% different as BPD in a BPD teatmrnt program than as "chronic depressiom with anxious distress, traits of OCD and BPD." I don' t even feel human anymore. It's part of why I'm getting worse. My "treatment" is insulting amd hurtful, I get no say at all (legally no rights over this), they took away the last person I felt cared about me, in a harsh tone (out of nowhere while still mourning my minister). I feel sad and stuck. I was beginming to like my new individual therapist until this happened. She also made a sarcastic comment about something else I'm really sensitive about. I have no final place to go when I'' going to cause serious damage... you know what I mean?

I do not agree with this diagnosis. I fit self-hatred and self-harm, and after over and over beinh dx'ed as not meeting criteria, this guy has decided I have it, and he talks to me like I'' worthless. They say that diagnosis makes no difference, but when it comes to BPD, it makes a world of difference.

I'm sad and really scared. I think/know I will do something bad and I cam feel
It buildimg up because I'm scared and hopeless. When Marsha Linehan made that comment about not helping ppl with bpd in hospital, I'' not sure she was referrimg to clients who do
what I do. I hated being there involuntarily but I think after causing serious damage I hate being banned more. Our hospitals are basically for getting throigh a crisis, if ypu're going to harm Yourself or someone else, you're psychotic, or having ECT. They are basically making special rules for me where if i told them I was suicidal they would send me home alone anyway because I am BPD and therefore lookimg for attention. The funny thing is I am shy, ashaned, and cry the whole time from embarassment. But the compulsiom is so deep. Especially right now.

[growlycat]

Stay with us pink. If you contacted your other t what's the worst that can happen?

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Stay with us pink. If you contacted your other t what's the worst that can happen?

I talked to her the day before I left. We are allowetd to say hi but that's it. She told me to try my best for 5 months and she would help me talk to the doctor at the end of the current mandate.

[LonesomeTonight]

Any chance you could stay longer in Florida?

Also, could your T talk to the people in the program and see if they could make an exception in terms of your talking to her? It's just awful that there's someone you trust, and you're not allowed to see her. Could she tell them the program is making you worse, not better?

And are you able to be in touch with your former minister at all? Huge hugs...

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Any chance you could stay longer in Florida?

Also, could your T talk to the people in the program and see if they could make an exception in terms of your talking to her? It's just awful that there's someone you trust, and you're not allowed to see her. Could she tell them the program is making you worse, not better?

And are you able to be in touch with your former minister at all? Huge hugs...

I tried talking to her all this and she told me to give it 5 'onths their way because this program has helped a lot of people. She did say ot was not her choice not to talk to me but she's not currently my treating psychologist so there's nothing she can do. Also, the new therapist is really well liked among her patients and I worry she thinks I just am having issues with new therapist because she's not her. But stuff like telling me I can'T talk to her anymore is obviously a really hard subject for me. I have huge abandonment issues, had just been through the saw cutting issue a few days earlier and was clearly doing badly, why be so harsh even telling me? Like, in a harsh tone "you will not speak to dr. R at all while i'm your treating psychologist. You will never call 17 times again (3 times on a fruday, twice trying to reach pdoc and once her because her office is next to pdoc, because I had no meds). You will never call between appointments for any reason." She sort of slightly applogized for that one about 17 calls, but it was VERY hard for me to pick up thr phone in the first place. All she had to do was say it gently abd I never would never have called again, shame would have taken over. The harshness and sarcasm were totally unneccessary and now she refuses to talk about it anymore because she says I'm obsessive. YES, YES I AM. OBSESSIVENESS HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY MAIN ISSUE. Maybe somehow I do fit BPD beyond SH and self-hatred, fear of abandonment, but my #1 issue that ruins my life is obsessiveness and saying things like that makes me obsess to the point where I want to die just to shut up the thoughts.

[mostlylurking]

Pink, I'm so sorry. I'm starting to wonder if you could find better help going with religious or other community services outside of "official" mental health care? I also wonder about contacting a legal aid office for some advocacy? Even a non-local law office related to harmful or abusive therapy, which might be able to intervene for you? Your current T sounds controlling and overtly abusive. I cannot imagine what the problem could be with allowing you contact with your prior T, who helps you feel safe. You are an at-risk patient... isn't it obvious that no one should be shutting off supportive connections from you?

I don't mean to sound like I have answers, I'm just frustrated on your behalf and worried about you. I'm hoping there's something "outside the box" that might help, since local mental health services are so blatantly failing you.

[growlycat]

I'm not entirely sure how health advocates work but it may be worth looking into. I'm so sorry pink. I wish I had an answer too.

[unaluna]

Mostly-lurking, you make a good point. You (and pink) are looking at her therapy thru a more feminist perspective, of connection and cooperation, whereas the hospital wants the old fashioned male paradigm of hierarchy control and boundaries. They are trying to "teach" you boundaries. It feels harsh, because at first, it seems implementing boundaries just subtracts stuff from your life. Ultimately boundaries are good because it means you get to have whats inside them. Getting to that point is hard though.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Pink, I'm so sorry. I'm starting to wonder if you could find better help going with religious or other community services outside of "official" mental health care? I also wonder about contacting a legal aid office for some advocacy? Even a non-local law office related to harmful or abusive therapy, which might be able to intervene for you? Your current T sounds controlling and overtly abusive. I cannot imagine what the problem could be with allowing you contact with your prior T, who helps you feel safe. You are an at-risk patient... isn't it obvious that no one should be shutting off supportive connections from you?

I don't mean to sound like I have answers, I'm just frustrated on your behalf and worried about you. I'm hoping there's something "outside the box" that might help, since local mental health services are so blatantly failing you.

I used to be very close to my pastor but she retired this summer actually. And that's hurting me too. I also don't want to lose out on the opportunity to switch back when they decide I'm "allowed," because it's really competent and caring weekly therapy from someone I trust for free, and my usual pdoc is also the only one who ever helped me (psychopharmacology).

I don't usually have troubke with "boundaries," I have only comtacted my old therapist 3 times ever outside of sessions, they just all happened to be when I was in bad crisis which was the past few months, and at the beginningbif the call I asked if it was okay. I am very careful because I don't like people stomping all over my boundaries.

The other calls on the Friday about my meds were because I honestly believed at firstthat it was an accident he cut me cold turkey off 2mg Clonazepam (scheduled) and 2 mg Ativan without talking to me about it, just after this happened and I was being threatened not to cut again. It still seems looney to me.

I was raised to be very quiet and polite and just about everytime I call anywherw, I ask if it's okay. My old therapist was trying to get me to be less cautious. It took us a year to get to the point where I felt like I had the "right" to get stitches without being forced there.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I should also just mention I am also legally mandated to be there, as in order signed by a jusge to cut short my last inpatient stay and be switched to I guess intensive outpatient.

[unaluna]

Thats what im saying, the paradigms clash. Square peg in a round hole. The outsides dont match - you never get to processing the meat in the middle, in the inside.

[growlycat]

The rise of the private patient advocate - Healthy Debate Article on healthcare advocacy in Canada

[bounceback]

Have you tried DBT? It seems like distress tolerance would be good for you. There is lots of other coping methods besides cutting. (I hope you got rid of the saw). People on here care about you.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by bounceback

Have you tried DBT? It seems like distress tolerance would be good for you. There is lots of other coping methods besides cutting. (I hope you got rid of the saw). People on here care about you.

Thanks, I'm doing it now for the third time. It's one part of this program. I don't think it works if you're seriously considering suicide.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I have s very hard time "working" on personal things in a harsh environment. I open up very easily and am able to be very honest when people are gentler. I'm struggling so much because so far this program is too punitive and harsh for me. You can give me all the "skills" in the world, but treating me harshly makes me crumble and fall. I've been through this so many times. My self-esteem will not get better with "skills" but an interpersonal therapeutic relatiobship where the other person hurts, confuses, and "helps" 'me by being punitive. It makes me fall apart every timd. Maybe this is something I need to face evebtually, not everyone is soft and caring -- but right now I'm so fragile I can't deal with it.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlycat

The rise of the private patient advocate - Healthy Debate Article on healthcare advocacy in Canada

Thats interesting. Thats kinda what we try to do here - advocate from afar.

Eta - per your no yelling post. Thats what i call it, no yelling. My t says yelling doesnt work, anyway. He is just always sweet as sugar candy. Once i found out no more yelling was an option, i was like, thats it for me. I have had enough yelling to last me a lifetime. I dont need anymore. It felt very empowering to say that.

[mostlylurking]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I have s very hard time "working" on personal things in a harsh environment. I open up very easily and am able to be very honest when people are gentler. I'm struggling so much because so far this program is too punitive and harsh for me. You can give me all the "skills" in the world, but treating me harshly makes me crumble and fall. I've been through this so many times. My self-esteem will not get better with "skills" but an interpersonal therapeutic relatiobship where the other person hurts, confuses, and "helps" 'me by being punitive. It makes me fall apart every timd. Maybe this is something I need to face evebtually, not everyone is soft and caring -- but right now I'm so fragile I can't deal with it.

Aw Pink. This makes me wish you could see my T. Sounds like we have a lot in common, in needing to be treated gently, in needing human connection rather than having "skills" metaphorically shouted at us. T's that can do that for you are out there. It's terrible that you're stuck where you are and that's being denied to you, but please trust that better help will be available at some time in the future. Hang in there.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

Aw Pink. This makes me wish you could see my T. Sounds like we have a lot in common, in needing to be treated gently, in needing human connection rather than having "skills" metaphorically shouted at us. T's that can do that for you are out there. It's terrible that you're stuck where you are and that's being denied to you, but please trust that better help will be available at some time in the future. Hang in there.

It's so hard because my normal therapist (who I was just banned from speakingo with) GETS this and we work so well together. I hate it. I want to go back so bad after the 2 yrs i've had. I need to just "be good."

[PinkFlamingo99]

She said she didn't want to say "no" but she aldo didn't "want to give me false hope," because it will be up to the BPD team to decide "where I have the best chance to get better." Obviously they're going to choose with them, instead of with normal weekly therapy with her. I'm worried about getting too hurt or sad and quitting. This program is a max of 2 yrs but I don't want to wait that long. Aside from the cutting I did so much better with my old therapist even just once a week. The paranoid part of me thinks it's because she doesn't want me back but she's told me over and over how much she cares. The other paranoid part of me thinks it's because she also thinks I'mtoo sick, even if I stop with the SH. I don't believe I have BPD and I don't want the association, but I get no say. Even the label makes me want to harm myself. They both originally said I jst needed to stop cutting. I'm so tired, I still hurt from my uni therapust who hurt me so horribly, I just want to know if I stop I can go back in 6 months, or even 9 months. I think I cam stop cutting here, but the real deep things lkke anxiety and obsessing and self-hatred are going to be really hard to work on with someone I don't trust.

[mostlylurking]

My impression is that a lot of people get diagnosed with BPD who do not actually have BPD. Try not to let their mistake make you hate yourself.

If your old T (should we just call her "good T"?) says often how much she cares about you, then I'm sure she truly does. A lot of us here care about you, you're pretty easy to care about! Maybe you can try to feel her support at a distance... it's there, even if she can't express it to you right now.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

She said she didn't want to say "no" but she aldo didn't "want to give me false hope," because it will be up to the BPD team to decide "where I have the best chance to get better." Obviously they're going to choose with them, instead of with normal weekly therapy with her. I'm worried about getting too hurt or sad and quitting. This program is a max of 2 yrs but I don't want to wait that long. Aside from the cutting I did so much better with my old therapist even just once a week. The paranoid part of me thinks it's because she doesn't want me back but she's told me over and over how much she cares. The other paranoid part of me thinks it's because she also thinks I'mtoo sick, even if I stop with the SH. I don't believe I have BPD and I don't want the association, but I get no say. Even the label makes me want to harm myself. They both originally said I jst needed to stop cutting. I'm so tired, I still hurt from my uni therapust who hurt me so horribly, I just want to know if I stop I can go back in 6 months, or even 9 months. I think I cam stop cutting here, but the real deep things lkke anxiety and obsessing and self-hatred are going to be really hard to work on with someone I don't trust.

Pink, I am really sorry you are feeling so punished and not treated fairly, or like a decent human being. I just want to say I hear that, and it sucks.

The line I bolded is what makes me nervous. Despite seeing your T whom you do connect and relate to...you still spiraled so far downhill, that it is frightening to read about! Something has to give, right? I don't agree with the way you feel are treated, but also, once a week therapy wasn't working because you took some extremely serious measures in harming yourself.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I think I cam stop cutting here, but the real deep things lkke anxiety and obsessing and self-hatred are going to be really hard to work on with someone I don't trust.

This stood out for me. I think their biggest concern for you has become the severity of your cutting. You say here that you think you can stop cutting. I would guess that if you could stop cutting (or at least GREATLY curtail your cutting) to a point where their concern for your physical safety does not HAVE to be their priority (and honestly, it has to be at this point), then perhaps they will be able to finally get refocused on really working with your mental health and those issues of obsession and anxiety. The problem is that with the severity of your cutting, everything else has gotten a bit lost in physical crisis management.

What can you do to truly physically curtail the cutting so that they can regain some confidence in your physical safety? I think if they could, they would be more willing to work with your therapist, etc.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Yeah. Good therapist said it would be negligent to just let me continue therapy once a week. But it's hard to work with people who feel so punitive. My therapist told me to stop looking at the ground and act like an equal, but I'm not an equal and I'm not treated like one.

On ome hand it's like they're trying to take over all my decisions, but then they sent me home with 80 bone deep stitches and artery repair. I don't even remember how I got home. It's like they keep having meetings to decide what's going to fix me but nobody asks me.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I'm scared too. Trust me, I know this is out of hand. Thr big problem is that [trigger] I'm playing Russian aroulette for a reason. I don't really want to be alive. I wish I had tried harder inpatient because even though there's no therapy there, the nurses and a lot of the pdocs were really helpful, but especially the nurses to help me figure things out while I was safe. And I'm so rarely safe.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Yeah. Good therapist said it would be negligent to just let me continue therapy once a week. But it's hard to work with people who feel so punitive. My therapist told me to stop looking at the ground and act like an equal, but I'm not an equal and I'm not treated like one.

On ome hand it's like they're trying to take over all my decisions, but then they sent me home with 80 bone deep stitches and artery repair. I don't even remember how I got home. It's like they keep having meetings to decide what's going to fix me but nobody asks me.

Ugh, that sounds really painful. Telling you to look up and treat T like an equal, when, like you said, you're not. Have you told the T how that made you feel? Or how you feel like they're making all the decision for you?