Texting T for a Connection

wheeler · Dec 06, 2016, 09:38 AM

Do you ever text your T just to connect with her and make sure she's still there? Does that even make sense?

Sometimes the in between sessions feel so hard and I don't understand why. I'm starting to assume it's more childhood stuff, which as a 51 year old woman, is very embarrassing.

AllHeart · Dec 06, 2016, 09:42 AM

Sure do. Makes perfect sense. I am late 40's and do it too. You eventually get over the embarrassment.

wheeler · Dec 06, 2016, 09:47 AM

So maybe some day I'll get over the embarrassment, but I'd prefer to get over the need/want to text her.
Is that possible?

doogie · Dec 06, 2016, 09:55 AM

I do this all the time and my T understands and always texts back. It usually consists of me texting "There?" and he texts back "I'm here." or just "Here". He says that eventually I won't need it. That as I heal I won't need him as much. That it will be a natural progression of learning to depend on myself instead of him. I'm in my 40s, too. I feel like a small child still learning that dad exists when I can't see him...but it actually helps me stay connected to him and staying connected helps me be more open during session. Before we did this, it felt like every session I spent most of the session trying to get reconnected so I could feel comfortable enough to talk about the stuff I really needed to talk about. Now that I am able to walk into session already feeling connected, I am able to spend my session time actually 'doing therapy'. It has really helped me.
Doogie

Ellahmae · Dec 06, 2016, 09:58 AM

I do it all the time. Makes perfect sense. At first I hated that I felt like I needed to and then once I kept telling myself that it was what I needed and it was okay it got easier.

Ellahmae · Dec 06, 2016, 09:59 AM

It's easier to get over the need/want once you accept that right now that's what you need to do - accepting it instead of fighting it helps those feelings to resolve quicker than ignoring them. It is possible. I had a strong need to text every few hours and after her following through every time and my accepting that sometimes that's what I need to do and allowing myself to feel that way and do it, has helped tremendously.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wheeler

So maybe some day I'll get over the embarrassment, but I'd prefer to get over the need/want to text her.
Is that possible?

Elio · Dec 06, 2016, 10:25 AM

So - as I sit here wanting so badly to email t just to say hi and fighting with myself, telling myself every reason in the book why I don't really need to... and in fact thinking that I want to tell her to absolutely not respond... I should just accept the want and email her without the statement to not respond, because I need to hear from her?

I am cycling ... not big extremes... but rapidly going from sad, angry, crying, irate, needy, furiated... I am distractible and get to ok in those moments. Mostly ... I'm obsessed.

Oh yeah, I'm in my late 40's too and this is part of the anger feelings, how dare I feel this ... needy.

wheeler · Dec 06, 2016, 10:29 AM

Elion I just texted my T and it helped. You can do it. For me it helps
Stop/reduce the cycling and obsession...atleast for now.

Elio · Dec 06, 2016, 10:35 AM

Ok, done... I hope it was ok. I didn't tell her not to reply. I didn't ask her to reply. I just said hi.

Dec 06, 2016, 10:53 AM

I've learned the hard way that it is okay to seek out contact just for the sake of it. Still learning in my everyday life. For me it's more about balance: being disconnected from a reliable source of nurture is almost like masochism IMO but doing it in an excessive, invasive way can be equally destructive. I think therapy is a good place to play around with this and learn from trial and error.

LonesomeTonight · 01:17 PM

Yes, I've done this, particularly with my marriage counselor (due to the attachment/transference there). I've found it's helpful to say what you're looking for. Like one time, I said I was going through a rough time and just wanted to know he was still there. So you could say something like that, like, "Could you just respond and let me know you read this and are there?" That way they also won't think you're looking for a long response, but are just checking in.

And I'm 39.

AllHeart · Dec 06, 2016, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wheeler

So maybe some day I'll get over the embarrassment, but I'd prefer to get over the need/want to text her.
Is that possible?

It is indeed possible but it might take time. People need people. Allow yourself the need if it helps you. Know that this need is natural and trust that your needs will change all I need old timeline.

Elio · Dec 06, 2016, 12:04 PM

Update - she wrote back. Another set of cycling emotions and now finally to calmness.

junkDNA · Dec 06, 2016, 12:05 PM

i text my T for connection. he knows i do this. hes noted that i seem to get separation anxiety inbetween sessions. he said eventually it will lessen.

kecanoe · Dec 06, 2016, 01:00 PM

Yes, I text between sessions just for reassurance. The theory is that I missed out on that developmental stage and need to get it now. And I think the theory is probably correct in my case. I have a hard time staying in touch with family members and close friends when they are not around.

I only do it with one of my ts, but he is the only one I am really attached to. The need for it is slowing fading, but it still comes and goes. I am not sure how that has happened. Maybe from me healing, maybe from part of me being pretty heavy handed with the "you are just a client" thing, maybe from the shame of needing it. And I am 53.

wheeler · Dec 06, 2016, 01:09 PM

Wow! Thanks for all the responses. It has really helped me feel a little less embarrassed...atleast for today!

coolibrarian · Dec 06, 2016, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wheeler

Do you ever text your T just to connect with her and make sure she's still there? Does that even make sense?

Sometimes the in between sessions feel so hard and I don't understand why. I'm starting to assume it's more childhood stuff, which as a 51 year old woman, is very embarrassing.

I'm 57 and still dealing with childhood stuff. You shouldn't feel embarrassed. You are brave to deal with it, and to get healthier.

doogie · Dec 06, 2016, 04:06 PM

I've told my T before that I try and try to NOT text for connection and wait until I just can't stand it before I text. In my mind, I think this makes me "better" because I am trying to not text him unless I just really, really need to. His response shocked me. He said "why suffer trying not to text? Just go ahead and do it. You aren't doing anything wrong." It helps me not feel shameful or guilty about it because he accepts and understands it. I'm glad I'm not alone, though. Thanks for starting this thread, Wheeler.

atisketatasket · Dec 06, 2016, 04:10 PM

You know, when I first learned clients did this, on here, I tried it out on No. 1: "are you still there?" She wrote back, "I don't understand the question?"

Gettingitsoon · Dec 06, 2016, 04:27 PM

See, that's what I think would happen if I tried it.
Then I might have to explain what I meant?

Dec 06, 2016, 04:35 PM

I usually just sent the Ts a short email with a (sometimes fake) scheduling issue. Did the trick each time and I got my typically nearly immediate contact...

kecanoe · Dec 06, 2016, 06:50 PM

I think if I had never texted just to be sure that t was there, I would send the first text with a little more information than I do currently. Now all I have to do is send "checking in" and he knows what I am looking for. But at the beginning, I would have to spell out what I was looking for. Ex: Feeling insecure and I would like to know that you are still there. Or something to that effect.

ruh roh · Dec 06, 2016, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

You know, when I first learned clients did this, on here, I tried it out on No. 1: "are you still there?" She wrote back, "I don't understand the question?"

ahahahaha Thanks for this.

I think what Kecanoe wrote above might be how many people go about this, by having had a discussion or establishing statement prior to the question, or it's been an ongoing concern that's come up during therapy. I haven't asked this particular question, but if I did, I think my therapist might understand what I'm getting at, just based on other insecurities I've shared, but I don't know.

awkwardlyyours · Dec 06, 2016, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

You know, when I first learned clients did this, on here, I tried it out on No. 1: "are you still there?" She wrote back, "I don't understand the question?"

I was tempted to do what No.1 did when current T texted me with a bare "Checking in". Thankfully, PC had taught me enough to know what that meant.