Attraction to therapist

I'm new to therapy and I found that I am having strong feelings of attraction to my T. It is scaring me. The relationship confuses me because it feels incredibly intense and close. I realised last week that this was happening so I looked online about transference to rationalise my feelings, so I could get back on track and let them go. But then my T confused things by saying as well as T and client we are also friends as I have lots of great qualities. I also talked to about my negative sex issues and then T started saying about how T reacted to sex in a positive way and how it made T feel. Worst of all, when we started talking about platonic transference I started blushing. I now have the worst gut feeling T will bring up transference next week. How do I handle it if T does?

Hello apsychologynewbie: I'm sorry your therapy experience has gotten off to such a confusing start. I'm not personally knowledgeable with regard to the issue of transference. So I'll leave it to other members, here on PC, to comment on that. From my perspective, however, I will say that it seems to me your therapist has transgressed what I will call "accepted therapeutic protocol" becoming too personal. And this has, perhaps, led to your confusion.

Anyway, I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Your feelings are perfectly normal, I had the same thing with my first T. The feelings will work themselves out over time, of course this happens faster with a therapist who isn't encouraging it and having his/her own counter-transference issues; which it seems your T is. Unfortunately, while I'm sure your T didnt mean to cause more confusion and these kinds of feelings, T's are only human and thats what was caused by it. This is more on your T than you. He/She needs to set up more boundaries and pull their own feelings out of it. I'm sorry your T isn't being helpful in this.

Mine was great, she validated my feelings and gently reaffirmed our boundaries; and let my feelings be, they worked out in 2 months and it was fine. What you are feeling is actually a VERY good thing, it's what happens in a lot of T/client relationships and is a sign that you trust your T and are making some sort of progress even if it just feels like an added burden at the moment. Don't be discouraged. Sometimes you have to T your own T.

Happened to me too. I ended up telling t about it and he was kind and gentle about it. He did not make me feel bad. Talking about it is supposed to help but I told t just as we were winding down. I moved out of state and have just one more call with him left.

Thanks Skeezyks :-)

Thanks Daeva :-). Your post was really helpful. I did feel that T was having countertransference issues. It felt really awkward. Because I am so new to this I felt something was wrong but was doubting myself because I have never experienced countertransference before. But it does feel like that. I did feel like T was blurring the boundaries. A couple of weeks ago I felt my transference issues, wishing I could be friends with T. But I realised this wasn't right, so did some online research so I was in a better place. Then we talked about some deep issues the next week and I felt the feelings of attraction with T. But I worked through those this week out of therapy and in my own time and now realise it is related to my past and has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with my childhood.

I told T I was getting a sex therapist because of my negative views about sex. T did not seem that happy when I told T. I just stood my ground and told T I would be more comfortable talking about those things to someone more specialised. When I wanted to stop talking about it, T started saying that I brought it into the room and maybe we can have a whole session to talk about sex before I see the sex therapist. But why is T suggesting this? Shouldn't it be me who decides what I want to speak about?

I have decided to try and address things directly with T next week. Get them out in the open so it doesn't carry on. This transference and countertransference is so tiring. Even saying goodbye was awkward for me and my T last week.

It just feels like the T doesn't know how to handle countertransference. T says that the session is about me but then allows T's own feelings to surface.

Last week T also started complementing me on my matching outfit and when we were discussing about self image asked in quite a forward way after we were talking about my legs, "so do you have nice legs?" It felt quite flirtatious. I presume this is countertransference?

Thanks for your support growlycat :-) I hope your therapy concludes well x

Wow! Quite a few red flags here with your t. It's a dangerous slope to be on when a t can't keep their c/t under control. Good for you recognizing something was wrong and for taking charge to not allow this situation to continue as is. Let us know how things go, if you like. Good luck with your next meeting with t.

Yes, it should be you who decides what to talk about. I almost wonder if T is jealous that you're going to talk about the sexual issues with someone else? Or it could just be that your T is trying to say he could talk about that, too. But then he just should have said something like, "You can talk about that in here if you want."

Um, that last part just sounds like regular flirting to me, not so much countertransference. I think countertransference is more beneath the surface. Like it might lead to your T treating you differently than other clients, not so much asking about your legs...

I hope discussing it next session goes well. I've found talking about it has helped me (though my transference issues, which have included both erotic and paternal at times, is kind of complicated because it's my marriage counselor).

AllHeart - Yes it concerns me greatly. To be honest, I know it only got this far because my T has allowed it to go this far. I have been the one who has been keeping it in check.

LonesomeTonight - Yes I had the impression my T was jealous. I agree, my T was quite strong in assuming that I would want a session to talk about sex with T before I go to the therapist. When I was obviously quite uncomfortable T didn't seem to get the message.

Thanks for your opinion on the legs comment. My T's body language was very forward too. Leaned forward and smiled at me in a flirtatious way as T said it. It is undermining our therapy as my childhood was abusive and it is making me feel unsafe.

I do feel like T is going out of T's way for me. For example, at Christmas time, T said she would arrange childcare so we can have our therapy session. I thought this felt weird as wouldn't the T want to spend time with T's children?

My T is female and I am female so all in all it felt very awkward. I know you can get women who fancy women but I just didn't expect this to happen in a million years.

Can I ask how you have you brought up boundaries you think have been crossed in therapy/transference? I want to bring up these concerns but there's quite a lot to discuss and I want to handle it in the best way possible. Thanks!

Oops, sorry for the mistaken assumption that it was a male T.

I also forgot to add that due to my childhood trauma a few weeks ago I was very suicidal. I was speaking to my T about this and how I had researched all methods and how they are not good options for various reasons. The next week at the end of our session T decided to bring this up (I did not bring it up at all that week) and say how T had looked up about them too and that it wasn't like it is romanticised in films and agreed with me about them not being good. This also felt weird. I presume T crossed boundaries with this too and is another red flag? I remember thinking, isn't this something T should be discussing with T's supervisor. Why is T bringing this up at my therapy session.

Because there are so many red flags do you think I should be requesting a new T? I got this counselling via a local counselling service which is subsidised. Thanks!

No probs LonesomeTonight :-)

Oh, I had the same feelings towards my T when I first started therapy. At least for three months I though I loved her, I imagined her hugging or kissing me, and I had butterflies on my stomach. Then the feeling went away and I suddendly found my T annoying
I never brought up this to my T, only that sometimes I thought a lot about our sessions and that I felt very anxious with her. She didn't say anything about transference, I think she doesn't work with this in her practice.
When I searched about transference, I read that some T's, when they know that transference is happening, may act flirtatious on purpose, to see the clients reactions, or they act very gentle to facilitate the process of transference. Transference is a normal thing that can happen, and can be the object of discussion during therapy sessions. Maybe you can confront her on this, you can say to her that you felt she was flirting in a way, and that it didn't felt unsafe for you. And sometimes T's may not be aware of this, maybe she isn't aware that you are feeling unsafe. I think it can be a great topic for therapy.
I wasn't able to say to my T "I have feelings for you" (plus they went away quickly) but I said to her something like "I feel anxiety with you because I feel you're judging me and I'm afraid of your rejection". Then we discussed about this in therapy, and it was a good and useful topic, I had a powerful insight about the cause of my anxiety.

How long have you been seeing this t? How old is this t and how long has she been in practice? You mentioned she said you two are friends. Do you know what that means to her? Do you two have a friendship outside of therapy? Does she want one? Also, when you say she is making special arrangements for childcare during Christmas...was she planning to take a Christmas break but is now going to make arrangements to work to see only you?

It really sounds like this woman is inexperienced or mentally unbalanced. Or both. Bottom line - if you feel something is wrong, it is. Trust your instincts. Given what you've said I'd seek out another t. Given the above bolded statement, I'd actually consider running like hell from this t.

I have been seeing her since November 2016. I don't know how old she is or how long she has been in practice unfortunately. T was assigned by a local subsidised counselling service. She looks to be in her late 30s/early 40s from appearance.

Regarding the friends comment, I have absolutely no clue. No we definitely don't have a friendship outside therapy. I need to clarify the friends comment and Christmas leave, because to be honest I have no clue what is going on with her.

I've got therapy early next week with her. Should I cancel? Or should I speak to her about these things and get some clarification? I am not in a great place at the moment anyway without all this. I could contact the service provider on Monday and get some advice on how to proceed further? I am worried and really confused about all this.

Contacting the service provider sounds like a good idea to me. If you feel up to it, speaking to t about it might be helpful. IMO if you are uncomfortable, seeking a new t is a good way to go. I definitely would not be ok with a t being flirtatious. And I think it is totally ok to just stop seeing her and go to someone else. You do not owe her anything. And it is probably easier to change now than to wait.

Like a lot of therapy relationships I read about, this sounds very ambiguous and convoluted. One of mine was that way.

I found that getting caught up in all the transference/countertransference jargon made things worse. I think these are obfuscating and disempowering concepts. Sometimes what is happening in the room is just what it appears to be. Occam's razor and so on.

I think it's a mistake to assume there is anything healthy about this, just because some feelings or tendencies got exposed. I think this is a basic therapy fallacy and a deception.

Ok. I absolutely understand what you are feeling. It's not a real pleasant place to be in to say the least. Would it help for you to write out on paper what the pros and cons to seeing this therapist are in order to help you get a better picture of what you are dealing with? Ask yourself... Are you getting any help for what you originally went into therapy for? What, if any, value does this therapist brings you? Is this t more troubling than it's worth?

Writing this stuff down helps you to see things in black and white which can clean out the confusion and lead to finding answers. Your posts clearly indicate you are an intelligent, insightful, strong, and self-led person so I am confident you will figure out what is best for you to do soon. Again, listen to your instincts. I'm sorry she has put you in this hurtful position. And I know first hand how hurtful unethical behavior from a t is. It has a very high potential to get a lot worse.

kecanoe - Thanks for your advice. I am thinking I may speak to her and then if I dont feel the issues have been resolved then inform the service provider and obtain a new counsellor. But I am still trying to make up my mind.

Budfox - Thank you!

AllHeart - Thanks for your support! Yes a pros and cons lost could be the way to go. Thanks for your lovely comments too! Before all this, I did feel that we were getting somewhere. But over the last couple of weeks I feel like T has let her own issues govern the session. Yes exactly re: potentital to get a lot worse. I have got to do what is right for me and protect myself because at the moment I am worrying about this a lot and I should be focussing on getting better, not on T my own T. I will let you know how things progress ��

Ok, so I have thought about it and decided to talk to my T. But I am making it very clear I dont want to continue therapy with T until the issues have been resolved. I've typed up everything I want to discuss tomorrow and dated it so I have a written record of everything. If we can resolve these issues then that's great. But if we can't then at least I have got a record that. I may also request it is recorded so there can be no misunderstandings. Then I can say that I have attempted to sort out the problems and then the directors of the counselling service can't say I haven't tried and I can request a new counsellor. Thanks again for your help everyone 😊 I'll let you know how it goes.

Sounds the perfect plan!! Good luck and def let us know how it all goes!