[alexey]

Hi,

I've lost both of my parents and grandparents when I was 15 in a series of tragic evens within one week. I've gone through many difficult stages, from pain and suffering to suicidal thoughts, to deep depression. I woke up from nightmares in cold sweat to realize that reality and my life situation were worse than the nightmare I just had. I was on a self-destructive path but managed to turn my life around about 10 years later.

I am well now and want to help others who went through a similar experience. I've gone through therapy when this happened but it did not really help. What I think would have helped if the therapist had access to someone who went through a similar experience and that person had words of compassion and encouragement for me back then. I think I would have opened up, listened and healed faster.

I want to know your opinion. If you had a problem like a loss of a loved one, or divorce, would it help you if you had in addition to your therapist a joined session with someone who's gone through the same experience and was offering advice and encouragement? For those who are therapists, what are your thoughts?

Thanks,
Alexey

[AllHeart]

For me personally, no, I would not like a joint session with someone else. That would be too intrusive for me. I'm too self conscious and wouldn't want anyone else to know my business. That's why I can't do group therapy either. I need complete one-on-one privacy.

I do think that having a t that went through similar experiences helps the process. My t has gone through a lot of what I went through so she very much understood me. We connected through shared life stories. It definitely helped me to open up to my t. Not sure about the healing time frame but I have made more progress with this t than any other t.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm not willing to have another person in the room. I'd close up.

Welcome, alexey

I have not found therapy useful for losses and grief either. Also tried a grief counseling group once for a short while and did not like it. I think, for me, one of the reasons is because grief is too unpredictable and regularly, professionally scheduled sessions hardly come just when I would need compassion and support. I actually found much better help with these things on an online forum (not PC but I guess PC could be used similarly as well). It did not need to come from people who were going through the same thing for me, timing of response and unstructured style were more important.

I like therapy but find it helpful mostly for exploring general patterns and reactions in my life and how they affect my choices and pursuits, not crisis situations. I also found it helpful for some of my obsessive tendencies and to learn better professionalism from one particular therapist. I did like when the therapist related his experiences to mine in a genuine way though, that for me had both relaxing effect and gave me a sense of company. So in that sense, I did enjoy talking to someone who understood from the inside. Not sure how I would react to a third person in the room... maybe depends on what is being discussed.

[junkDNA]

i think that is one of the benefits of group therapy

[precaryous]

Yes, I went through a trauma and my therapist at the time offered to connect me with another client who had been through a very similar trauma. We decided to connect and I found our conversations helpful.

I also found message boards revolving around this issue very helpful.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

i think that is one of the benefits of group therapy

I think I would have benefited from group therapy.

[Ididitmyway]

Hi alexey,

I am a therapist. It really depends on a person if a joint session or support/therapy group could be beneficial to them. There is really no general rule. I think, support groups are generally helpful because group members are supposed to follow certain guidelines of restraining their judgment, but therapy groups - not so much. They tend to be confrontational which could add to the trauma rather than facilitate recovery. But even in support groups listening to other people's stories could be very triggering and there might be no way to process it immediately. I think, it's ok to try a support group and see how you like it. I am not sure that a joined session with somebody with a similar experience would be possible. This is quite an unusual format and I don't know if your therapist would be comfortable doing it. I wouldn't. I would just refer the client to a support group if we both decided it was worth trying.

[junkDNA]

my therapy group is not confrontational at all.

i have been in groups where that was the case though

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by alexey

...someone who went through a similar experience...words of compassion and encouragement...

...a joined session with someone who's gone through the same experience and was offering advice and encouragement?

A therapist once arranged for me to meet with someone who had been through and had overcome what I was experiencing, but I was not able to believe that person truly understood where I knew my therapist already did. But then later I met some people with the same experience helping others as an avocation -- no professionals involved -- and that made all the difference in the world for me.

[Argonautomobile]

I think if you joined a group for people dealing with similar issues it could be enormously beneficial to other members. Probably not unlike the way it can be really useful for the newly sober to be in contact with those who have been sober for years.

Me, personally, I wouldn't do a joint session. I don't do group therapy, for that matter. Just not my cup of tea. Still, if you want to help others, I think joining a group could be a great idea.

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I think if you joined a group for people dealing with similar issues it could be enormously beneficial to other members. Probably not unlike the way it can be really useful for the newly sober to be in contact with those who have been sober for years.

Yes. I am familiar with this from the sobriety perspective.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

my therapy group is not confrontational at all.

i have been in groups where that was the case though

Mine wasn't either. It was quite helpful.

Not so sure about meeting with just one other person, essentially a stranger in my own session though. Seems awkward. With group therapy you go into it understanding that is what it is about, but in my individual therapy, I generally want it to stay individual.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

my therapy group is not confrontational at all.

i have been in groups where that was the case though

Yes, all groups are different. But the general idea of therapy group is different from that of a support group. In a therapy groups it's ok to point out something to other group members they may not like in order to make them see their defenses and inconsistencies, just like it's accepted for a therapist to do that with a client, but in a group that could get confrontational and genuinely hurtful. Those situations are unpredictable and often uncontrollable and, therefore, are difficult to handle even for an experienced therapist. That's why I am not a fan of therapy groups, but I have found support groups generally helpful.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

In a therapy group it's ok to point out something to other group members...in order to make them see their defenses and inconsistencies...

...but I have found support groups generally helpful.

Maybe there is where/why the OP did not feel helped by a therapist. Looking at defenses and inconsistencies and getting some "grief support" are entirely different. So, maybe a therapist truly should have redirected the OP toward someone who could empathize and would *not* have been a third-party intrusion or privacy breach in a session.

I'm adopted. I use to belong to a forum for adoptees. It didn't help because our circumstances, adoptions were all different. In groups there's a melting pot expectation. I found that when I tried AA. In am individual. My feelings are mine. Therapy was my solution.

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Maybe there is where/why the OP did not feel helped by a therapist. Looking at defenses and inconsistencies and getting some "grief support" are entirely different. So, maybe a therapist truly should have redirected the OP toward someone who could empathize and would *not* have been a third-party intrusion or privacy breach in a session.

You might be right. If OP's grief therapy was working, probably, he wouldn't have the need for something different, but I don't know what exactly is happening in his therapy. He is the only one who can answer this question. But, generally speaking, yes, grief counseling is a special kind of counseling where looking at the client's issues is generally inappropriate and counter-indicated because it contradicts the purpose of processing loss. Grief counseling is normally based on empathizing with the person's experience and accepting them fully at whatever stage of grieving they are at the moment. That's why support groups IMO are well suitable for a grieving person while therapy groups aren't.

I have to say though that whatever the purpose of therapy is, once it starts it's never about one particular issue that you can neatly separate from everything else. One might start therapy in order to process a loss of the loved one, but at any point it can spontaneously turn in a new direction. It's just like life..all mixed up and messy.. We can't organize our life issues by neatly separating them from one another and putting them into labeled boxes..Everything is connected. When you pull out one single thing you want to address, a bunch of others jump at you unexpectedly and you have to deal with them the best you can..whether you want it or not..

[stopdog]

Such a thing would not help me at all. I can't imagine anything more horrible actually.
I am not much for group sorts of things in the first place, but certainly not for therapy sorts of thing for me.

[alexey]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I think if you joined a group for people dealing with similar issues it could be enormously beneficial to other members. Probably not unlike the way it can be really useful for the newly sober to be in contact with those who have been sober for years.

Me, personally, I wouldn't do a joint session. I don't do group therapy, for that matter. Just not my cup of tea. Still, if you want to help others, I think joining a group could be a great idea.

What's the best way to find a group like that? Is there a resource online? What if it wasn't a join session but rather an offer to connect with someone who has gone through a similar situation, via email, Skype, etc. Would you connect with that person? I'm just trying to gauge where I can help the most.

Thanks!

[alexey]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Welcome, alexey

I have not found therapy useful for losses and grief either. Also tried a grief counseling group once for a short while and did not like it. I think, for me, one of the reasons is because grief is too unpredictable and regularly, professionally scheduled sessions hardly come just when I would need compassion and support. I actually found much better help with these things on an online forum (not PC but I guess PC could be used similarly as well). It did not need to come from people who were going through the same thing for me, timing of response and unstructured style were more important.

I like therapy but find it helpful mostly for exploring general patterns and reactions in my life and how they affect my choices and pursuits, not crisis situations. I also found it helpful for some of my obsessive tendencies and to learn better professionalism from one particular therapist. I did like when the therapist related his experiences to mine in a genuine way though, that for me had both relaxing effect and gave me a sense of company. So in that sense, I did enjoy talking to someone who understood from the inside. Not sure how I would react to a third person in the room... maybe depends on what is being discussed.

Nice to virtually meet you, Xynesthesia and thanks! Which online forum did you find to be helpful?

[alexey]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Yes, I went through a trauma and my therapist at the time offered to connect me with another client who had been through a very similar trauma. We decided to connect and I found our conversations helpful.

I also found message boards revolving around this issue very helpful.

Hi precaryous, would you please share online resource that you found helpful? Or was it this forum?

Thanks

[kecanoe]

I think the support of others who have gone through similar experiences can be very helpful. However, I don't think I would be interested in having a support person present for therapy sessions. I once had an intern sit in a session and it completely changed my sense of safety. That said, I should mention that I am in therapy for MI, not grief.

I personally liked the online message board for discussing grief, for me it combined support from a variety of sources (not only one, like a therapist alone) and privacy. And I did not have to be in a group when it was supposed to happen, I could listen to things, interact, also support others in ways that worked for me. Same for unexpected traumatic experiences... if I do seek support with these at all.

[alexey]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Hi alexey,

I am a therapist. It really depends on a person if a joint session or support/therapy group could be beneficial to them. There is really no general rule. I think, support groups are generally helpful because group members are supposed to follow certain guidelines of restraining their judgment, but therapy groups - not so much. They tend to be confrontational which could add to the trauma rather than facilitate recovery. But even in support groups listening to other people's stories could be very triggering and there might be no way to process it immediately. I think, it's ok to try a support group and see how you like it. I am not sure that a joined session with somebody with a similar experience would be possible. This is quite an unusual format and I don't know if your therapist would be comfortable doing it. I wouldn't. I would just refer the client to a support group if we both decided it was worth trying.

Hi Ididitmyway, thanks for your feedback. What's the best way to find a support group and which one would you recommend? So far the groups that I googled appear to be for profit. Is there a site where I could join for others with similar experience to find me? Or I could find them?

Thanks again!
Alexey

[Ididitmyway]

Originally Posted by alexey

Hi Ididitmyway, thanks for your feedback. What's the best way to find a support group and which one would you recommend? So far the groups that I googled appear to be for profit. Is there a site where I could join for others with similar experience to find me? Or I could find them?

Thanks again!
Alexey

Firstly, you might want to ask your therapist about that. He (or she?) may know local support groups for grief and loss. It's specifically grief and loss groups I'd be looking for. Try to google "free grief and loss support groups". The paid ones, I suspect, are the ones facilitated by licensed therapists who, naturally, want their time to be compensated. You might find free groups in your area through MeetUp.com. Through MeetUo people just gather according to their interests, including support on different issues. Those groups would, most likely, be self-run by the group members. There are also online free emotional support sites like WarmLines or WarmLine, 7cups and some others that have trained volunteers who give various kind of support, not just grief and loss and they might know your local resources and direct you to specific groups in your area. And, of course, online forums. I believe, there is Grief and Loss forum here, on PC and on many other websites. Local colleges and universities could give you information as well because sometimes they have low cost counseling centers. Just try to look in all those various directions until you find something that suits you emotionally and cost wise.