i don't know how i feel about anything. i feel like those cheesy 8-ball predictors... shake the ball and watch what answer it gives. My feelings are like that.. so many thoughts and feelings are jumbled up and every now and then one floats up and grabs me and then it's back to confusion.

i blew my small emergencey savings. i feel like a total %#@&#! loser. i feel lower than something you would scrap off your shoe. i have been trying so %#@&#! hard to make my own life and i %#@&#! it all up. i can't even do this right. That was my safety net, enough to pay my rent for a month if things went wrong .... and in my world they do, all the time. This was the stupidest %#@&#! thing i have ever done.

i deserve every bit of crap that i suffer because i am too stupid to live. i tell my T all the time and am not real people

[(JD)]

(((gerber))) Ok, so your plan didn't work out, make a new one, something where you can't touch that money without great effort.

Then... you need to try and stop saying/typing/posting the negative stuff like "I deserve.." that isn't true. Once you quit saying it, you'll want to progress to stop thinking it altogether with thought stopping, and replace it with the good things I'm sure your T is trying to get you to hear.

Keep working on yourself, there will be improvement you can live with in the future. (((hugs)))

(((((((gerber))))))

I've made some financial mistakes before... some really bad ones. I hope you can find some way to give yourself some grace and forgiveness. You are human.. I hope you can release the shame. You are in my thoughts.