Heartbroken

Pennster - I tried contacting my original T but she is out on leave now. I kind of knew it but still was really hopeful and then felt so sad when the office assistant told me.

I did speak to marriage counselor T about it. I told her my feelings and how distressed I was, I tried to explain honestly why it's so important to me, but she said I was trying to be controlling, that I was trying to control her behavior because I was trying to make her do something she doesn't want to do. I don't know. I feel absolutely awful. she said that basically what I was saying was that she must do something because I find it too upsetting and that she must do something she doesn't want to do because otherwise, I will find it too upsetting, and that's controlling of me. Does that sound right? I don't mean to be controlling. I don't want to be controlling. I just feel desperate.

At first I felt really ashamed when she told me the thing about being controlling. I felt like I had done something wrong. I'm still confused. But now I'm having the thought that maybe the piece that is missing is her compassion. Maybe the normal reaction to the situation isn't that I'm trying to be controlling but that if she knows how bad I feel, she would WANT to do something different? But maybe I am controlling. I don't know.

For whatever reason, i think that well has run dry. Its like shes aligned with your exhusband. She is NOT there for YOU. YOU need to find someone to support YOU thru this process. It sucks, but thats what it is. Can you ask you dr or lawyer for a referral?

Wait--this is about wanting her to not talk on the phone during your session, or otherwise be distracted and late? Or did the out of session communication become part of the discussion? Because that would have consumed all the air and made it easier for her to avoid the in-session issues.

To key off of unaluna's post...does this therapist remind you of the same dynamics with your ex? Maybe you are well rid of her if that's the case.

Ok, let me get this clear - this is the same t that would do text therapy with you on her time schedule, for as long as she wanted, and charge you for them? Is it these visits that you are considering between session contacts?

If the answer to the 2 questions above are yes; then I would be wondering who is controlling whom and where did collaboration go in creating this therapeutic relationship. She does have the right to say no between session contacts and you have the right to say, no phone calls during my sessions and I need more sessions if I can't have between session contacts because I need more support right now.

Personally, I have several problems with your t's behavior based on what you have described and feel that she is taken advantage of your vulnerable state. I find this not much different than other types of abuse.

Only you can know if you can or are ready to leave her. One step might be just finding another t to work through these feelings with and see.

Please take care of you, you deserve it.

Some would call that gaslighting.

Aren't you paying for the privilege of having control over your therapy? Are you supposed to pay and then be forced into a powerless position where you are required to submit to her demands? I seriously think some of these therapists forget they are in a business relationship and are paid to serve the consumer.