First lesson looming

I have my first lesson with T (ex T, but I hate saying ex T) on Tuesday. We've had no contact for nearly 8 weeks Coz of ethics. I've been ok up to now, but now I really want to text her to say good luck! Even though she doesn't need it!!
My anxiety is kicking in now too. I've been excited up to now but my anxiety is going away with itself and I don't know why.

I think the fact I'm going to see her outside of our relationship is causing me some stress and I don't know why?!
I had/have a severe maternal attachment to my T and I think I might be worried about this kicking in again and also me being jealous of my peers, and how I will deal with that? I know for a fact I will be over protective of her!

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just some support i guess!

Hi Itjustis,
I can really hear your anxiety in your post. I just wanted to say that your anxiety is normal when we are faced with something new. This is a whole new relationship with this t whom you very fond of.
It will be regally hard to share her with the others in your class. I would have issues with that too.
I can really hear your maternal side wanting to mind your t. I am hoping she can mind herself too though and wish you would concentrate on minding you because you are the one suffering with anxiety if the situation . Good luck with your class.

Just chiming in to say that I think your situation seems really hard. I believe, though, that you will work it out. T seems to be diligent about the situation and I am sure will take what she knows of you into consideration.

Good luck, itjustis.

I understand the jealousy of other students. I was really attached to my college counselor. I'd see her at least once a week. She wanted me to take the course she taught, so I did. It felt so awkward to see the other students interact with her. She did a little fun assignment where we had to guess things about her. I was SO jealous that people knew so much more than I did about her. It hurt. But I survived it. And things went back to normal after the course was over.

So how did your lesson go with your ex t?

I feel extremely self conscious of what I'm saying and how I'm coming across.
Im hoping that fades over the next few lessons. We did a hopes & fears task and I said how self conscious I was and T said - you will be ok, it's a new relationship and it'll get easier over time. So she's well aware this is going to be tough for me. I definitely underestimated how hard this would be and how it is going to affect my feelings.

I left feeling quite exhausted if I'm honest. The group seemed quite chaotic and I can't deal with that. T allowed a member of the group to constantly take us off topic and it bored me and frustrated me. The last tutor was good at reigning us in and keeping us on task. I did mention something as a whole to the group about listening and allowing others to speak and T totally heard it and said she will make sure to work on that. I'm guessing it's because we are all back together after a break and were overly excited!

I also feel like I can't really talk to her after lesson like I did with my last tutor about any issues that come up because she's my ex T. This course is going to bring up a lot of stuff and I'm worried I'm going to feel alone in dealing with things when that happens.

It's only lesson one so I'm hoping it'll all settle down and I'll enjoy it just as much as I did on the last course.
It was nice to be back with my peers and the tasks were fun but this is going to be difficult to get my head around.

T will be a great teacher, she definitely has it in her...with some little tweaks! I will speak to her on her own at some point, I think she would be grateful for the feedback? She's said from the moment she got the job that we would get through it together so I don't think she would be offended.

Self awareness, self care and my journal will come in very useful this year. I also think I will need counselling again sooner rather than later!

This has turned into quite the essay! Thanks for asking, I was going to post an update this morning.

Just an update: I spoke to T after class last night about how I'm struggling with it feeling weird. She gave me the option to either leave and join another group in a couple of months or for her to leave.

She knows I won't leave, she knows how important this course is to me and she knows full well I don't want her to leave because I'd feel guilty about that.

I feel like she dismissed my feelings and there's no room for me to talk this through.
I know she isn't my T anymore but I thought she'd be a bit more supportive as a tutor. Especially given our history. She said she doesn't feel weird about it at all; but it's ok for her, she isn't the one feeling vulnerable.

I lost all focus during my skills session because she was walking round and observing how we were all doing.
So that's it. I'll just struggle through and hope it gets better.

I think she'll be very keen to keep a clear boundary in her new role and while it's her you're awkward with, it's not something she can work through with you at all. It's your discomfort and you need to find a way though with your new T. It may be that it's too soon for you to work so closely with her and if there's another group you could join, that might deal with the initial struggle while you work out how to manage your feelings in other parts of the course that she's teaching.

I hear how hard it is for you - no consolation but negotiating this kind of boundary now will stand you in good stead as a T, it's just one more for to learn.

Thank you Merecat.
Yes, it is the boundaries that she needs to keep clear and I respect her need to do that, not only to be fair to everyone in the group but to stop it muddying the waters for me too and blurring our new relationship.

I'm not going to give up, I think this is maybe something I need to do. In the long run I'll learn how to cope with uncomfortable feelings without feeling like I need her to help me with them.
I'm reflecting a lot today!!

I think your situation sounds awkward and painful and that you are handling it well.