Following T's suggestion to hire home organizer

My T has been suggesting I do this for a long time. I couldn't do it when my H was alive, and I've been telling myself I can clean up and throw out and organize myself, but the truth is I can't. Recently my financial advisor brought it up and I said "yes." For some reason I'm scared! The woman I'm hiring is also a social worker! I think that won me over!

My whole married life I didn't spend much money on myself but now I have a cleaning lady and take various lessons, in addition to seeing my T once a week. I can afford all this but I feel uncertain. It's something new for me to hire others besides Ts. I feel guilty even though I know I deserve it. I also feel like I should pay T more but I know she will be very happy I'm going to get the help I need in my house. My husband would never let me have cleaning help, and paying someone to go through his stuff? Never! I do deserve the help, don't I?

Sounds like a great idea. And yeah, you deserve the help.

I am curious about your last question there: "I do deserve it, don't I?"
Are you seeking validation and reassurance with that?

I don't think there is any qualification for deserving it or not deserving it other than the ability to pay for it.

I am curious about your curiosity. Any good thing i get, i have to paaaaaay for. I dont hear that in you.

I might be wrong, but I think the thing to be "deserved" here may be self care, not the actual cleaning. I think the OP is questioning whether she deserves do something she has always wanted (and yes you do deserve it ).

I agree with Luce - deserve is maybe not the most self-actualizing way to put it. You want something + you have the means to get it. That's all.

I just think thinking in terms of what one deserves is self-defeating - it either leads to self-denial or self-indulgence.

I can see that, @@, but if you never really felt deserving of help--feel like shoe scum almost--it's good to hear (at least, for me it is). I'm not saying rainbow feels like shoe scum, and this is probably more about me, but there's a level of not feeling deserving of anything that is so low it doesn't even register. But I can get how it's very Oprah sounding to say--have it all, you deseeeeerve it!

I don't know how long your husband has been gone, but my mother (72 years old, who cared for my much older and very infirm father for 10+ years) has discovered in the past year that part of her grieving process is relief. Even though she loved him very much, caring for him put her own life on hold and there were some things that she couldn't do when he was alive.

She is now giving herself permission to do what she wants to do and care for herself in ways she couldn't before. I told her she should spend all her money in exactly the way she wants to. She is not materialistic at all but she spends on experiences, including travel, and conveniences that improve her life, like housecleaning and other luxuries.

I'm all for people doing things that make them feel better and take care of their emotional and physical health. And I think getting rid of things you don't need and organizing is something well worth spending money on. When we moved several years ago, it gave us the chance to declutter/get rid of many years of kid stuff and I definitely feel better having few things rather than more. Now everything has its place and it's a breeze to keep the house decluttered. We have room for more storage but aim to continue to give/throw away what we don't need.

It seems a positive sign of good health to do this, and it's also a gift for your kids in the future to have fewer things to sort through. Post after you finish and what you think about it.

I was trying to figure out what was "clean" about luces thinking. "Deserve" was never in my vocabulary except in terms of deserving punishment. Usually for getting or doing stg good! Thats the link i need to break. Idk if its rainbows too. But its definitely mine.

I love the idea of you doing things for you. I have never heard of a home organizer, but I sure wish there was one around here, because this girl could use one! Enjoy taking care of you. Yes, you do deserve it.

When I was young, I used the be the kind of person who would do everything on my own and would not let anyone else get into my private stuff. That changed gradually and drastically as my career developed and I had more and more responsibilities and things to do and via working with teams of people. Now I use assistance whenever it is available and I can afford it - why to spend time with chores and things I do not enjoy dealing with if I can get help? Also, delegating tasks to experts can lead to better results than doing it myself, even in things as ordinary as cleaning. I also feel that my life is more rewarding when I have the time and opportunity to do more things I enjoy and need to spend less time with things I don't personally get anything out of or dislike doing (e.g. cleaning) and the result is perfectly enough. I feel that paying experts to do these things for me is good investment.

I think it's interesting to think about why someone chooses not to be helped when they can afford it though - e.g. not feeling one deserves it, difficulty with trust, perfectionism, not wanting to deal with other people and their quirks etc.

Yes, you do deserve help.

It's the corollary that's at doubt. If you can't afford it do you therefore not deserve it?

Thats probably a whole other debate? I think we are talking about how to allocate what we do have, whether its a little or a lot.

With your question, it might change the focus of deserve from internal to external. I cant afford it, but gee i deserve it. It might feel safe to feel you deserve it, just because you know you cant afford it.

I know thats not what you said, but thats why i think its not just a simple corollary, but a whole nuther thing.

Thank you.

I feel like it's a little extravagant to hire someone to help me organize my house. I'm not used to spending money on something like that.

Is this for Luce or me?

Thanks. I'm not talking about cleaning help. I already have that. This is about organizing my home: throwing things out, giving them away, storing them. It just feels scary for me to actually do something for my peace of mind, and you're right, self-care.

I feel like I shouldn't be spending my money on this even though I can afford it.

Thanks. I think it's because my H wouldn't let me hire anyone, yet he wouldn't do it himself. I somehow felt I didn't deserve to spend money for luxuries like a home organizer.

Yes!! I understand your mother well. Part of my grieving process is also relief that I can do what I want. My H passed away over a year ago. For the first time in my life I hired a regular cleaning person, and am doing other things I never could do. I don't want my kids to have this mess of a house to go through. You're right. The help is NOT an extravagance. Thank you.

I'm sorry, unaluna. My parents hardly ever punished me. I'm sorry you had such a difficult past.

Thank you!!

Well said!! In my case I think it's because I never earned a decent salary, because my H liked to save more than spend, so I felt like I shouldn't spend money like that. He wouldn't let me. Now I have some money but I still feel, maybe guilty is the word.

I also felt guilty because I've been paying my T half her fee because she doesn't accept my insurance. I told her today that I'll pay her $25 more per session because it doesn't seem fair to hire these other. people and not pay her more. It's a lot of money.

Thank you!

Well, I can afford it. Not indefinitely but I'll see how it goes.

Thanks, unaluna.

To a person who is living in a hut with no running water and no electricity because they can't afford it, it would certainly seem 'extravagant'. If you didn't have the money to pay for it and hired someone without the intention of paying them then that also would be extravagant. But to pay someone with honest money for a purpose that suits your needs is not 'extravagant.

You feel you 'shouldn't' be spending your money on this? Says who? If you are saying it to yourself, then fair enough - don't do it. But hunny, it is your money and you get to choose what you do with it. Only YOU get to decide what YOU should or shouldn't do. The only caveat that one would hope you choose to put on that be this - you are free to make your own choices as long as those choices are respectful to all people and all things. That will keep your actions within the law and also keep you moral. Apart from that there need be no 'shouldn'ts'.

I don't see a huge difference between hiring an organizer and hiring a therapist, actually. You're hiring an expert to assist you in doing difficult but necessary things that will improve your mental health and your life. It could be an emotional process, as well, in lots of ways.