[Creamsicle]

I just discovered that my therapist is kind of a ******. We are having a disagreement about something, a rupture. It wasn't so much what she was saying it as how - the tone. She said something kind of mean to me. And I can tell that she's mad at me. And it's not just my old family stuff, she really was angry because I wanted something different than her. And so now she is changing boundaries and taking something away from me. I am devastated and I know enough from reading this group and from everything to know that this will be the beginning of the end of our relationship. I think inside of me, our relationship just ended during this session. But she doesn't know or care. It seems like the more I try to be honest about my feelings, the more she used it as a reason to change the boundary. I don't even see where this came from. I would have guessed that something like this could never happen with her. I think it is my own fault because I told her I was disappointed about something. I'm heartbroken and I was already in the middle of a crisis. I don't understand how people can be so terrible to each other. Just really stunned by what she just said to me. I feel so alone and I'm so mad at myself.

[Pennster]

Creamsicle, I'm so sorry. This sounds so distressing. Maybe it would help to keep talking about it here?

[Creamsicle]

Thank you, Pennster. I'm just really in shock. It hurts so much I feel like I'm drowning. I don't think I can trust my T ever again.

[growlycat]

Sometimes ruptures can end with the relationship coming out stronger on the other side. I'm hoping this is the case for you

[scorpiosis37]

What did your T do? I read your earlier threads about her where she didn't own her busyness or take ownership of how it was affecting you. I am interested to know how things played out in your session. Sending you support!

[Creamsicle]

I don't feel like I will ever trust her again. I feel like I have to be good now to please her. I hate that. She was the one person I thought I could really trust. I feel like a fool.

[1stepatatime]

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're feeling really down : ( Just know that you're not alone.. there are so many supportive people here! What has helped me ( and continues to) is sharing my experiences with my own therapy, the good, the bad, and the ugly. What I like is you get so many perspectives that it can sometimes change your own, or not... but it's always good to know that there are others who have been there and are here : )

[Creamsicle]

Scorpiosis - she knew that my disappointment was with her busy-ness DURING session. But she said that my disappointment was too much stress on her. She said that she has to take care of herself and that she is doing so by now eliminating out of session contact. Because she is worried that I could become disappointed about that too and knowing that I could feels like too much pressure on her.

I am stunned. I never expected this. It had nothing to do with out of session contact. I never even mentioned that. And now I have lost something I loved for no reason. I wish I had never said a word to her about it. I was so stupid to trust her and take the risk.

[Pennster]

Oh Creamsicle, that sounds awful. It sounds like she has a lot of problems managing herself. I wish there were something helpful to say. Is she an inexperienced therapist? Her response sounds so over the top.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Pennster

Oh Creamsicle, that sounds awful. It sounds like she has a lot of problems managing herself. I wish there were something helpful to say. Is she an inexperienced therapist? Her response sounds so over the top.

That was my thought too... maybe she is either very new in the field, maybe very young?

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm so sorry, Creamsicle. Hugs...

I am really sorry
I remember going through a similar situation with my first therapist, and being so heartbroken also. Its so hard. I am sorry this happened to you.

[Creamsicle]

She has been practicing seven years.

[AllHeart]

Sounds like she might be burnt out. Sorry this is happening to you.

[Creamsicle]

I think it must be me. I had a really bad experience with my first T and now this. I think I must do something that turns them off, but I don't understand what. I never push boundaries. They must just sense my desperation or something. I don't know. I know that I can never trust her again. What hurts the most is that she knows me so well that she must know what this is doing to me but she doesn't care. She was really angry. She was sarcastic with me. I feel so ashamed and alone.

It really was all my fault. I was too greedy complaining like that. Now I've lost something I love and count on.

[Pennster]

Oh Creamsicle! This is heartbreaking. I genuinely don't think it's you. The whole point of her job is to help you, and she should have been trained in how not to get angry and shame her clients. It's one of the most essential parts of the gig. No therapist should use sarcasm in a hurtful way, and her response to your feedback sounds misplaced and disproportionate. She sounds like she has anger issues or something!

Do you think it might help to try to start looking into a new therapist, if you really feel you won't be able to trust her again? Forgive me if that sounds like a terrible idea right now - I just genuinely think your therapist is in the wrong and I know there are kind therapists out there who won't shame you for their foulups!

[Creamsicle]

I am thinking of bringing a very short letter to our next session asking her forgiveness and asking for a second chance. But I don't think she is open to it.

[Elio]

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say. Such an awful thing to experience.

You could try thinking of it this way if it helps... you are paying her to support your needs, listen to your comments, and be curious about your inner workings. You are not paying her to criticize you or use sarcasm to belittle you. From what I read here, she did not support your needs, she did not listen to your comments, and she was not curious about why or what you were experiencing that led to your feelings. She is the one that failed to do her job. You brought to her your feelings/thoughts and discussed them in a rational and respectful manner - that is what I see as your job.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Pennster

Oh Creamsicle! This is heartbreaking. I genuinely don't think it's you. The whole point of her job is to help you, and she should have been trained in how not to get angry and shame her clients. It's one of the most essential parts of the gig. No therapist should use sarcasm in a hurtful way, and her response to your feedback sounds misplaced and disproportionate. She sounds like she has anger issues or something!

Do you think it might help to try to start looking into a new therapist, if you really feel you won't be able to trust her again? Forgive me if that sounds like a terrible idea right now - I just genuinely think your therapist is in the wrong and I know there are kind therapists out there who won't shame you for their foulups!

I agree. This isn't about you, Creamsicle. This is your T's issue. Maybe she overextended herself and tried to do too much, but it's on T's to determine what they can and can't handle. Self-care and time management is part of the T's job--it's not up to the client to figure out what's "too much" for the T. It sounds like your T is doing a really poor job of handling her commitments and taking it out on you. I'd also suggest looking for a new T.

And you don't need to give her a letter asking for forgiveness--if anything, *she* should be asking *you* for forgiveness...

What Lonesome said. I don't think that a client needs to please a therapist, especially when they do things that are negative. Especially not one who engages with the client in a self-centered and erratic way. This is exactly how many abusive people get away with what they do, which is often cycles of giving and withdrawing attention. Based on one of your other threads, Creamsicle, that between-sessions contact was already quite skewed...

I personally would not give her a letter apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Rather, I would maybe ask her what in your behavior triggered these changes, if you believe there is something about you that you don't understand. And if she cannot come up with a reasonable description, I would tell her that it is unfair to play around with a client because she is stressed and does not know how to manage balance in her work.

[unaluna]

Is she taking away the ridiculously expensive between session texting that she initiates and charges you a full hour for?? Is that what this is about?

[Creamsicle]

Unaluna - thanks for remembering. Yes, this is the same T. She is taking away texting with a fee and also phone calls and emails (only ever called or emailed in case of emergency – probably three times in 3 to 4 years but it was really important to me to know that I could. Knowing that I could made me feel safe).

This was my MC for a long time. She helped my husband and I realize that we needed to end our marriage (he is a serial cheater) and she helped us start to begin the divorce process in a way that is healthy for our kids. All I care about is my kids being OK, so I'm very grateful to her for that.

My soon-to-be ex H doesn't want to go to marriage counseling anymore nor would it be appropriate since we are getting ready to start the divorce process. But my MC also does individual therapy and suggested that I start working with her for that. So we started that a few weeks ago. The funny thing is that her fees for individual therapy are more expensive than marriage counseling and also her fees for both have gone up as of January 1. So even though it should feel like a real relief not to have to pay for the expense of texting anymore, it actually winds up that I'll be paying almost exactly the same thing given the increase in fees for the individual therapy and the increase in fees for the new year. I know it's just the way it worked out but it stinks to be almost paying the same amount and not have the texting anymore.

The texting is going to be really hard for me to lose but even more the knowing I could call or email in an emergency. I guess both will be very difficult to lose. But what is really hard is knowing she was sarcastic to me about it. I was trying as hard as I could to be honest and completely respectful and was also being very honest and sharing my deepest feelings. And for her to react to me with such anger and sarcasm really hurts. I know it's silly of me. I'm sorry.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Creamsicle

But she said that my disappointment was too much stress on her. She said that she has to take care of herself and that she is doing so by now eliminating out of session contact. Because she is worried that I could become disappointed about that too and knowing that I could feels like too much pressure on her.

Sounds like it's her therapy. Is she paying you?

If she imposes changes in boundaries or rules that cause you more distress, or adopts a tone or demeanor that causes more distress, and does so because she is taking care of herself, isn't that a fundamental betrayal? Sounds very unfair and unethical.

There is just no way that wanting her to behave in a reasonable, professional manner is selfish or too demanding on your part. I expect a professional to focus on me when I am interacting with that person. I have seen my T for quite a few years and he has TWICE checked his phone or taken a call in all that time and apologized profusely both times. This is all on her and has nothing to do with you. Her defensiveness shows that she has at least some idea that she is in the wrong here.

[Creamsicle]

She said that even though I don't usually say anything, that she can feel and sense my disappointment (like when she took the phone calls during the sessions) and that she can sense that my disappointment is very strong. She said talking it through with me made it more obvious to her that she has to take this away this because of how important it is to me and how disappointed I could possibly be - and that puts way too much pressure on her so better to just take it away now all together rather than setting herself up to screw up. She also told me at some point during our session that discussing it was making her feel physically sick right in the moment and was too much pressure from me on her. I was so ashamed and horrified. Has anyone else made their T sick? I actually made my T feel sick from me. She also said I don't care about her wellness and only care about getting what I want. It really hurt me.

I think I'm feeling even worse about it today than yesterday. I'm feeling so sad and down. Thank goodness my kids are at lessons and friends houses today so I don't have to put on a false positive front.