T's fee

Yes, I voluntarily paid my therapist more when my income went up. He gave me a greatly reduced rate, however, I was really poor when I started with him. Underemployed; could not afford to have a car, owned nothing (had assets but lost them all recently). He asked me what I could afford, and what I told him was actually more than I could afford. I just couldn't tell him I couldn't afford anything. How could he work with me? Of course I wouldn't expect therapy for free or near free!

When I got a promotion, I started sending him more money per session. Not a lot at all. I still couldn't afford therapy, but deferred my student loans. We actually never even talked about it. I know that seems strange, but the money issue is sensitive.

I have since gotten promoted again, but did not send him more. I am still underemployed due to mental health, and my medical expenses have gone up a lot, and I can no longer defer massive student loan debt. However, I still cannot afford therapy. It would greatly help if they took insurance. I think if they don't take insurance, they should expect lower fees. And my therapist seems to be doing well taking trips to Europe every year, multiple vacations, etc.

When we were talking about not using email any longer, he mentioned that he didn't get paid for them. This is the first time he ever mentioned money to me. This makes me wonder if he has some resentment for not making more money off me. (Besides the point-it really rubs me the wrong way that anyone would expect to get paid extra for an email here and there, or say one a week. It's not like most of the clients will have this need.. I've been self-employed and did it. Doctors do it. In fact, I do it in my job today and don't get paid extra. Only lawyers get paid by the minute. Much of the professional working world gets paid on salary no matter how many hours you work).

If I made more $, I would pay him more. However, if he was an inexperienced therapist, I would not. And he has a PhD and advanced training, not a social worker with only graduate degree-that influences my decision. I wouldn't do it out of guilt though, I think some of it would be more related to being a reasonable person. The other part is my fears, like fear of his resentment of me for being harder for him than less complex clients.

I was thinking about your case-my suggestion is to perhaps only do it if it makes you feel better. Your therapist seems to be perfectly fine with it, from what you wrote here. If that is the case, I would not send extra money if I were you. $100 a session seems reasonable enough.

I'm not sure it is a debate, just to remind you that $100 per client times X amount of clients does not mean all that money goes in T's pockets. Unless your T doesn't take insurance from anyone, she probably doesn't get the full fee from everyone anyway. But it is true there is a ton of other costs that go into being self-employed.

None of this is sad to make you feel worse about yourself, by the way. I am a teacher and I am grossly underpaid, but such is life I suppose.

I second that. I would also add the very high cost of continuing training throughout therapists' entire professional lives and hopefully supervision and, if not working in a home office, the cost of an extra house or apartment is added. There are a lot of things that therapists in private practice need to deal with financially. Plus the value and challenge of the intellectual and emotional work itself.

But I think it does come down to the value that therapeutic work has for one, on the one hand, and on the other hand what one is willing and able to pay for it. So far I have agreed to pay a certain fee even at times when I didn't feel my therapist deserved it, because overall it has been worth it for me to keep it up, and when it does go well it is very valuable to me.

Money can be a particularly sensitive issue in therapy, but I think that in good therapy it is also a fruitful opportunity for self-discovery and growth. I know that I had huge issues regarding money when I started therapy, I would feel very badly saying I can't afford something or even that I didn't have the right amount on me (like when browsing in a shop, I used to be too embarrassed to ask for prices for fear of not having enough) and after a few years of therapy, I feel much more relaxed discussing these things. It can indeed be painful but it can also be worthwhile.

I also have huge issues with money, and unfortunately am forced to sort of deal with right now. I mainly put my head under the sand.

I meant to say Rainbow-

You're a widow with limited income AND she doesn't have an issue with it. Brillskep mentioned balance. I think that could be helpful in deciding.

The reason I would pay my therapist more without his asking is that I feel he should be paid more than what I pay him. That's what I mean by being 'reasonable'. But that would only be if I got enough of a raise so that I could have the money to do so in the first place.

I don't have luxuries, but I could afford therapy if I lived on Ramen noodles or only ate beans and rice and shared an apartment with 4 roommates. Even if I got a cheaper apartment, I still wouldn't be able to afford therapy. If I was a 20 some year old college student, perhaps I could do that. But I've worked too hard in my life. And I don't think my therapist, or many therapists, would want a client to do that to pay more money towards therapy.

Not specifically in your case, but I do think therapists could re-evaluate a client's situation when they offer sliding scales. That seems reasonable. If your's doesn't, perhaps it's on her.

I've been paying $75 per session. Her fee is $150. I'm going to pay her $100 starting today. I think my resistance is because $100 seems like a great deal of money to me. It's another way I'm jealous of T. I feel "less than" her. I suppose she will say " grist for the mill" and we will talk about it.

Yes, I'm a widow, but yes, I can afford to pay T more. If I couldn't, I wouldn't offer it to her. When she gave me the lower fee, I told her that if I could pay more, I would. She said she trusts me to do that. So, I'm spending money on other services, and T knows that. I feel like she trusted me and I've been lying because of my issues about money, not because I can't afford it. It's scary for me to control my finances, but I have help and it appears that I can spend more than I have been doing without risk. If not now, when?

I like your thinking about this, Rainbow. I also think it's brave of you to offer to pay more now that you can while also being aware of the painful emotions that arise. Holding all these different parts of this experience is really significant.