Do you set rules for your therapist?

When I first saw him I told him not to criticise T1. He was still not doing that last year and I actually had to say "you can criticise T1 now". I don't have many rules but he does listen when I do. I'm curious to know how he would feel about your list. My first thought upon reading your list was that number 3 sounds ambiguous, but it sounds as though you have a follow-up clarification list, so its all good

I don't think this is really setting a "rule" but it is the closest thing I can think of. My T used to say goodbye to me in different ways at the end of session like sometimes she would say "see you later" and other times "take care". I said that I didn't like it when she said "see you later" because I would start over analysing it and wonder why she didn't say "take care". I would think that maybe she doesn't want me to take care or that she doesn't care. I know it sounds silly but after talking about it T always says "take care" when saying goodbye .

For XT- I had 2 rules. 1. Don't ask me at the end of a hard emotional session if I'm okay to leave and drive home. Either way when the time is up-it's up and I do in fact need to get home so I will get in my car and drive home. 2. When I put my hand up-that means to shut up about something.
For potential new T-those 2 rules will stay in place, but there will be a 3rd rule added: I will not under any circumstances give her permission and sign a release to get information from XT as I would want the woman to have a clear slate to start with and not have her perception skewed by any of my XT assessments.

Are we equating rules with boundaries - if not, what's the difference?
I don't think I've ever set any (of either). It was more along the lines of 'don't use that word, I hate it.' I've asked for things and she's accommodated - she follows those requests, but I don't think those would be considered rules (like playing music during session, or dimming lights - she dims the lights without me having to ask).
I guess when I think of the word 'rules' I think of something rigid and strict that applies to everyone across the board, rather than specific tailoring to each client.
For example: I hate certain words she uses and tell her so. Over the years she's said them, but then has taken it back (remembering I don't like it). But now she uses them and I'm ok with it. So it's not like it was a rule that has now been broken, but rather a... I don't even know - a shift. Can rules shift? I feel like I've stopped making sense and am rambling. I'll stop here.

No, I feel the same way. I think I have some messages at the start of therapy that no longer apply. Unfortunately, I don't know or remember what those messages were....

The first one I see keeps thinking the rules might have loosened or shifted or, in her words "softened"
I have no idea why she would think such a thing. She does not ask before making such an assumption and she has always been wrong about it. When she says "I thought you had softened on X" - I say "Why? What lead you to that incorrect assumption? What did I do that made you think I had softened so I can quit doing it"
And she just shrugs. So I now remind her from time to time that there is no softening where she is concerned.

This made me laugh. I always get upset when my T puts on her "therapy face", and I always tell her to knock it off. What a catch-22 for her, right? Be concerned, care about me, but under no circumstances have facial expressions that convey those feelings...Good thing I'm in therapy.

No, it's a good point. My rules would apply to any therapist I see - this is just the first one I've articulated them so clearly with upfront. Some of the things mentioned here as examples are also rules in that sense - eg, I imagine Echos would have told anyone she saw after her first therapist not to mention that therapist. Others might seem more dependent on the client or the therapist, and only preferences - but I think any time someone says, "do not do that," it is a rule, maybe a temporary one, but more like your parents saying, "until you prove you're trustworthy, you can't drive the car after 9 pm," etc.

I'll just put you down for "wouldn't dare tell the therapist how to do her job," then...

Id say thats an uh no. And ill have what shes having.

Whatever helps fit your thinking. Go at it.

When I was working with T, I developed a few rules along the way.

No woo-woo stuff. I don't do mindfulness, energy work, etc

I had to ask her to stop talking about dating for awhile. She had mentioned that she was dating someone new, and then she told me "you probably won't find anyone to date until you move to a new city." So, basically, she was telling me she had the ability to find a partner and i didn't, which I found offensive. She then kept repeating it, until the point I just told her to drop it. Funny enough, that person she was dating was out of the picture pretty quickly, though she has dated others and (contrary to her prediction) I have had a couple of new relationships here as well.

I told her to start following through on her promises, or I would have to terminate therapy. She's flakey and it drives me nuts. She tells me she will bring in X next session, and then forgets four weeks in a row. I had to tell her to either stop making promises or keep them.

Now that she is no longer my T, but we do keep in touch, I have rule but she sucks at abiding by it. I tell her that if she makes plans with me, she has to keep them. No cancelling last minute. Well, she just cancelled on me on Thursday. It really sucks, so I'm going to talk to her about it the next time I see her.

I

I tried but they're not respected. Things like respecting if I refuse to discuss a topic that I don't feel I'd benefit from or not taking supervision at the workshops I also attend. My therapist does respect other things I need around how to do certain techniques, such as in the beginning I felt awkward with guided visualization meditations between just the two of us, so ever since then he has found and used as a solution a sort of guided meditation for the both of us - he is guiding us both, we both meditate together, it's not just him telling me what to be aware of or visualize. It's rare but I like that he still respects this idiosyncrasy of mine. But I'm willing to try a lot of things he suggests - I've worked with art therapy, symbols, dialogue, stories, guided meditation, body psychotherapy, pure ole transactional analysis, projective tests (well we didn't follow through with that but I gave it a try), dream work (I kind of started that one), understanding things from a therapist / theoretical viewpoint (well, that comes with being a therapist but I mean, I also find it useful for myself personally as a client, I didn't just accept it to better my own practice but because I find it healing). I think that limiting ways of working limits chances of growth. Of course, anyone will have something they won't do, like for example I will not let myself get into a hypnotic trance, but I find it extremely useful to work with more modalities, and doing so with the same therapist is wonderful for me.

Una...not in the mood. Nor is this a poking matter.

Not my thinking...evidence from your threads and posts.

For me, I would be more flexible about this sort of thing if the woman was willing to explain the point. Since she refuses to so - I see no reason to let her just stab and hope. Plus - I may not agree to wanting to change in the way she is secretly trying to impose upon me.

I think that's a different point. I was speaking about my experience and giving a general opinion. In cases such as yours, I perfectly understand not wanting to do something that makes no sense to you. I think it's part of the normal informed consent for therapists to explain the techniques and therapeutic modalities and their purpose, especially so when asked. I never understood why your therapist refuses to answer your questions and clarify what she's doing.

I meant I have a rule that will not try anything the woman suggests unless the reason for it is explained first. As she refuses to explain-I limit her to not talking and I only discuss pets and my sick person.
And I will absolutely not do cbt at all ever.

I have certainly come across therapists who could not or would not clarify what they were doing. Maybe because they didn't know, or because they didn't respect clients' abilities to comprehend their theories or practices. The last part is kind of funny to think about, considering the likelihood that there therapists who squeak through their training. I suspect that the first one I saw was not at the head of her class, so to speak. In that case, I think she just didn't know what she was doing.

My most significant rules are:

- No taking 'actions' to any disclosure of sui thoughts
- No entering information about what I talk about into a computer
- No coercing me or demanding I go to a hospital or take medications

I avoid having to use those rules by choosing the therapists that I do. I find excessive rules to not be much different than controlling behavior, which can be triggering to me, so I choose a therapist who leaves me a lot of space. His only rules are not to text/email emotional content to him.

One other thing he tried to 'enforce' was about requiring me to pay for last minute cancelled sessions. This was after I cancelled some out of anger, but I had already been paying him for my missed sessions that were cancelled at the last minute. It was kind of funny when I told him I was already doing that.... I really don't cancel much--that was just a phase.

Since i lead the discussion and direction of therapy, and he doesn't do stuff many other therapists do, there's no need for me to really have rules. I do have requests, which I find work better. One is that he not try so hard to end the session at the exact minute. We fought about this quite a few times in the past. Recently, after he cut me off while I was saying something sensitive, I finally told him that ending the sessions on the minute regardless of what is going on in the room is overly rigid and equates to acting like a jerk. He finally quit doing it after 3 years. I just remembered my other request-not to get defensive when I bring stuff up I have a problem with. I ask him before I say what I need to say, and the reminder seems to help. I have a couple requests on my mind that I am going to ask him soon.

Maybe this is somewhat of a rule--not to use that withholding Freudian technique. If he does that again, I'll just end the session.

With different types of therapists, I might have to have rules (eg, therapists who do woo-woo stuff). Not for therapists that are non-reactive and allow me a lot of space, like the one I have now.

I actually wanted to talk with him about this during our session this morning, but forgot. I do feel like he has to have all the power in the relationship, and I've been pretty angry about his imposing the recent email 'rule' on me without negotiating with me first. We talked about the subject in general, and he said it's the way he does therapy. But how could that be if he was doing that with me for 3+ years? Also, now remembering something related he did that made me really mad recently-when I was asking for an extra session via text (which he is ok with), he responded in a crappy way. He was obviously angry with me. I told him I couldn't meet with him if he was going to be mean because I was feeling really fragile. To that he say, he won't meet with me under any "pre-conditions." I thought that was an unnecessarily cruel and harsh 'rule'.

If there is an emergency and your or other people´s safety is in immediate danger, in most states (in all that I know of actually) therapists have a duty to report or send you to the hospital.

It´s normal not to be okay with a therapist who freaks out and tries to medicate you for the slightest mention of suicide, but "rules" that we make as clients can't override ethics or state laws. Well they can actually but we can't expect them to be followed by ethical therapists.

I'm not saying this is the case here, but I think that it's important, when setting rules on either side (both clients and therapists) to be aware of the therapeutic frame, which goes beyond just the sessions and it includes ethical and legal considerations.

PS Of course there's a difference between sui thoughts and behavior - I write this paragraph thinking of plans and intention and otherwise really serious issues, because there's always the possibility that any one of us may suffer more at one point or another, and then what would a therapist in such a situation do? And what might the consequences be if there is a danger and "No taking actions"?

Ok, maybe I should be moved to a Yes rather than sometimes...

I also have the no entering information about what I talk about into the EMR. What notes are entered are to be marked as sensitive so that only she can read/see them.

Also, the dx of Depression is to never show up in my EMR anywhere. We can talk about it and it can be an association in terms of "adjustment order with anxiety or depression". It can not be a stand alone official dx.

For the longest time, nothing about my gender dysphoria was to be mentioned in my record as a dx or in any form. Now it is the one she uses all the time.

All eCommunications are through email and not through the EMR system.

I don't set rules but now that you mention it I have unspoken rules. When t says I am whining I go quiet and do not talk to her anymore. I will not allow her to talk about abuse because she will push and push. I do not like t coming close to me and when she has tried I will freeze up and she will back away. I never really realised that most of my rules are non verbal and go without saying and in fairness she has had to read into them and learn the hard way. Sometimes I think it would be easier if our ts could read our minds.

I appreciate your post Brillskep-but I often see that what is ideal isn't always what happens in real life. What's on paper and what's actually done are 2 different things. I've never seen one therapist follow ethics 100% in other ways either as both have knowingly done things to harm me.

My therapist and the last one would not do anything when I disclose sui stuff, including more than just feelings/thoughts, so what you are saying here is not true in my case and I suspect with others. (although I didn't mention anything about hurting others)

However, I don't usually tell them him the details and he doesn't ask further about my intent when i bring it up. My last therapist said I didn't have the characteristics of someone who'd sui, so when I had more than thoughts, he just supported me. My current one asked me some questions about my thoughts the first time, but now doesn't question about how far the thoughts go. And I've told him I felt really strongly to sui.

I don't make threats either, but I think if I did tell my therapist I was going to do it, I am sure he would ignore it. When I mentioned recently that the pain was so overwhelming and sui would stop the pain, he just said yes, that's true, but there are other ways. He didn't ask me any more about it.

I am aware of ethical and legal considerations, perhaps moreso than my therapist is. I never stated my 3 rules, again I choose therapists who coincide with them.

Sometimes. I had to ask him to be more conscious of what he says to me and I don't like it when he pushes in a certain way. And I don't really like therapisty phrases. But I think I have fairly normal sorts of boundaries that people have ( that often don't get respected and are a large part of my trauma ) so it's healing when I do get appropriate responses.