[Abby]

What exactly is attachment issues? Is it a real thing or made up by therapists to describe a particular interaction? Or is it a feeling? What? Is it only with them? I'm cofused. Everyone says it is this...some sort of "complex little t trauma" but I've no real idea what that means or if they are seeing something I don't.

I'm trying hard to move on and I'm happy and yet although I want what I have, for some reason I will silently hurt myself nonetheless. I dont destroy relationships but me. Noone suffers but me! Is that an attachment issue? Or stupidity? Sometimes I think it is a real issue I don't need to be ashamed of but at others I wonder if I'm simply ridiculous!

And how do I overcome it? I just want to overcome it so I stop hurting myself. I don't care what anyone say anymore, I'm not choosing this. I'm happy. So why do I not only have to subconsciously destroy that but physically end up in pain too? I don't like being in pain. I see it, I'm aware of it and yet I still do it. Some would say it was a choice but truly it isn't.

I dont want to destroy good stuff in my life. They say that I should face the attachment issues but don't specify what that means. I've no memories, no.nothing. it's like working with an alien part of me. Everyone seems to see something I don't. That I shouldn't have this pain as that indicates attachment problems but what does that end mean?! How can I overcome what I don't understand?

[AllHeart]

Attachment has to do with how our relationships are with other humans. Trauma is something bad that happens to us that results in the creation of adverse thoughts and behaviors. Attachment issues and trauma issues do not necessarily go hand in hand. So I don't understand what these therapists are saying either.

In what ways do you want to hurt yourself? Physically or emotionally? What is it you say you are suffering from exactly? If you are happy, why do you want to hurt yourself? Can you ask your therapist for more clarification to help you out?

I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Abby

. . .
I dont want to destroy good stuff in my life. They say that I should face the attachment issues but don't specify what that means. I've no memories, no.nothing. it's like working with an alien part of me. Everyone seems to see something I don't. That I shouldn't have this pain as that indicates attachment problems but what does that end mean?! How can I overcome what I don't understand?

I'm with you. I've been in therapy a long time and definitely had some "stuff" but still have stuff now . . . I think the professionals should be able to explain things better to people just coming into therapy -- how, I'm not sure. Maybe provides some stories from people who have been successfully through it?

[Elio]

How can I overcome what I don't understand?

When I asked these questions I didn't get much of a response from t that I could believe. I went looking for myself and read lots of books. I landed on the neuroscience of psychotherapy and this I can believe. From that stand point, one of the things that long term psychotherapy (talk therapy) does is work to provide you with experiences that cause neurological changes in your brain and how neurological messages are transmitted. The key here is that you have to be working with someone that works for you - it is all about the relationship between you and t, and what that relationship does with or helps with when you talk about things that make you uncomfortable.

Ok I just summarized about 1000 pages of heavy duty reading in a few sentences, so please realize there is much more to that belief/theory/narrative. I believe in it whole heartily and have dug in to do the work because I found someone that works for me. I no longer question if what I talk about matters, or what this is doing, or why of that... I just talk about what filters up from the depths and allow the emotions and feelings of our relationship do it's magic.

If you would like some reading material, I can look up the books again.

[Ididitmyway]

First off, it sounds to me like you are in pain and that it hurts you not to be able to understand what people mean by attachment issues. I am sorry you are hurting. Is it your T who told you that you have attachment issues and couldn't explain in simple, down-to-earth terms what it is?

I hate expressions like "attachment issues", "trust issues", "boundary issues" and other "issues", because they are vague, abstract and, therefore, are nothing but empty psychobabble that doesn't make it any clearer to the person who is suffering why they are suffering.

I know in general what professionals usually refer to when they speak of "attachment issues".

Usually, the expression refers to the disruptions of the normal developmental process in childhood formative years when the child is most dependent on the primary caregiver. Attachment to the caregiver is a natural thing since the baby is utterly dependent on the caregiver for his/her life. When the caregiver is consistently present and is reasonably attuned to the child's emotional and physical needs, the child feels secure in that relationship and that allows him or her to develop a healthy attachment to the caregiver.

A healthy developed attachment generally means that the person throughout their life, from childhood to adulthood, feels reasonably secure in relationships with other people. They are not afraid to make connections, to develop intimacy, to get close to others, and, at the same time, they don't need constant reassurance that someone will always be there for them. If they were raised in a relatively healthy environment, they have completed a normal attachment-separation stage and have developed enough of personal autonomy by their adulthood which allows them not to collapse when their significant relationships end for whatever reason. People who developed healthy attachments in their childhood don't go through their adult lives looking for mommy or daddy surrogates. In their significant relationships they experience break ups differently from those who didn't have a chance to develop a healthy attachment in childhood. They do feel pain of the loss, but they don't experience it as a total collapse of their world and, after some time, they are able to move on with their lives. People with the so-called "attachment issues" have difficulties forming relationships, being in relationships and dealing with the endings of relationships.

I can't possibly explain the whole attachment theory here because it's huge. The best thing I can recommend if you really want to get to the nitty-gritty of the subject is the book by Dan Siegal "The Developing Mind". This book is the best one on the subject IMO because it's based on extensive research and everything is backed by facts.

I hope it helps. As to your situation, I can't possibly tell you if your problem is "attachment issues" or something else, but I do have to say that if you heard that from your T who was unable to explain to you what it is in plain English and how it pertains to your case, it's very disappointing. Any time Ts use psychobabble instead of human language, it's a bad therapy because psychobabble doesn't allow a therapist to build a connection with a client which is crucial. From what I've read in your post, it sounds like, most and foremost, you need a compassionate listener as opposed to someone who just throws big words at you.

[amandalouise]

Abby.... in its simplest term attachment means to care about something or someone. to like something or someone.

human beings naturally attach their self...

example

some people have a favorite author, actress or other famous person.
some people have a favorite object or food that they like.
a mother likes and cares about her babies
a wife like and cares about their wife/ husband

a person in therapy can like and care about their therapist or other mental health treatment provider.

sometimes these attachments will interfere with a persons life

example sometimes a child will panic if their favorite blanket or other object that they are attached to gets lost.

in therapy sometimes caring too much about a therapist may end up in a situation where the one in therapy feels if they say something that will hurt the therapist or be too much of a problem for a therapist to handle

and on the other side of things a therapist who cares for their client can sometimes care too much to where it interferes with getting to the root of the problems because the therapist doesnt want to do their job of having the client face their problems.

sometimes attachments in therapy between a therapist and client can end up breaking laws or ethics if the attachments move in that direction.

for example here in my location it is against the ethics of performing therapy if the caring and liking each other end up into having a sexual or dating relationship while they are client and therapist.

attachment isnt something thats made up, its the word used to describe liking and caring about each other. but like with anything else there are laws and ethics around this natural issue to protect people who have mental illness.

[ruh roh]

From what I have seen here, some therapists seem to use attachment issues as code for personality disorder, like bpd, so you could look that up and see if they are thinking in those terms.

I don't put much stock in labels like that, but if the therapy approach your therapist takes works for you, that's all that matters.

[atisketatasket]

Are you talking about attachment disorder? That's more a way of looking at relationship patterns than an actual diagnosis. Some therapists say the same of BPD, but when a good many of their colleagues use BPD in a stigmatizing sense, they'd do well to avoid it.

So think of it as learning how to approach relationships in a different way?

[Cyllya]

If you haven't already, ask for clarification from whatever mental health pros say you have "attachment issues." Just straight up say something like, "Can you clarify what you mean by 'attachment issues'?"

Any phrase of "____________ issues" is fairly vague. That's usually the point of the phrase, I think. The vagueness allows it to be used to refer to multiple things collectively and also gives a way to refer to problems that haven't been thoroughly identified. But the downside of vague phrases is that they are less self-explanatory, so I think they should be prepared for you to ask for further explanation.

[unaluna]

This is too vague or theoretical for me. What is your everyday life like? Do certain things trigger these episodes?

[BudFox]

I would urge caution in making the leap from theories about what did or did not happen in early childhood, to the idea that you must form an attachment with a therapist in order to explore or fix these issues. These "attachments" can cause a lot of damage.

I'd also suggest that your capacity for self-understanding might be greater than you think or have been given credit for, once armed with basic theoretical understanding. This book explains a lot:
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Sc.../dp/0143127748

Not clear if you are talking about actual self harm, but I've heard self harm explained as a way to gain a sense of control and to decrease arousal in the face of overwhelming dysregulation, tension, or anxiety.

[kecanoe]

For me, "attachment issues" just means that when I was an infant. my mother was very ill, both physically and mentally, and just couldn't tend to me in a consistent way. The people who study such things believe that an infant who lacks consistent and loving care will have hurdles to overcome in relationships later in life. And from there the theories go in all sorts of ways. And the treatments are many as well. Can you ask your t about how they intend to treat it? There as some (as noted above) that thing that attachment to a t is the best way to heal. There are others that offer week-long intensives with family members. There are treatments such as EMDR, Brain Spotting, SE that do not promote attachment to the t. And there is psychoanalysis that is intensive as well. And there are group therapies, DBT for one, that also help some people.

For me, understanding why I have attachment issues has not been very helpful. And the kind of therapy where one is encouraged to attach to the t has not been super helpful either.

I hope your t is able to suggest a plan of treatment that makes sense to you.

I've found over the years, that I've lost the need to know about everything within the mental health/recovery field and just do it.
As I've done theapy, things changed, and you know What, I couldn't explain that, it's just bricks organising themselves inside of me, then sometimes, sometimes days, sometimes months, I have an aha moment. Where what didn't make sense to me before, suddenly does, because it's felt. A lot of Therapy is about being felt. Words and explanations don't always register.
But then again. The therapist has to be working or nothing will ever be felt and one is left wondering what the hell is all about, because there's no 'felt' factor.