[Mouse_]

Well its been 5 weeks and T resumes tomorrow. How do I feel? Well during the 5 week break I've allowed my fantasys of destroying T to be. They brought a certain amount of satisfaction. I dont know why, its like the power balance was evened up a bit by my "rejection" of T.

Then I've daydreamed of the first few moments in "our" room and how wonderful it will feel to have her support again.

I am swinging inside between pleasure and pain. I think I want to ask her what would she do if I threw one of her cushions at her?

Then I want to ask her why wasn't she there for me for the past 5 weeks? But then that reminds me of the relationship. Shes a T and can do what she wants. It suddenly seems silly to think I should hold that much control over her, that she has to be there for me all of the time.

I mean its not her total responsibilty is it? Now that feels odd saying that. That I'm not her total responsibilty. Wow, how odd is that.

Well tomorrow will be here soon enought.

hey. i think it is understandable that she take some time off... but then i think it is understandable that you feel angry and hurt and sad and all kinds of things really about her taking some time off. that isn't inconsistent.

congratulations on making it through five weeks. i hope you have a nice session tomorrow.

[Perna]

I hated the first time back for lots of years because I felt so awkward and confused. The whole war thing going on so you didn't know if you should act like a spurned infant and "ignore" T for a bit (see how she liked it!) or pretend nothing had happened, or give in to the feeling of relief T was back, or what. I hated that feeling. Eventually, as I got better at being "myself" before she left, the coming back was more "natural" too and didn't get so tangled feeling so just segued into the session at hand.

[Mouse_]

Perna, yes its strange because this time, the 3rd summer break I've had with this T, part of me also wants to say to her "ok, now where were we?" Its just the last few days as therapy draws near I've felt louder inside, all my parts are shouting to be heard. I am very aware of rapid mood swings at the moment, and chattering inside.

Maybe I should ring a sch bell and tame the children inside? LOL

I was reading last weekend.... and D.W. Winnicott said that people go through different stages with a transitional object (which can be an actual object like a teddy bear, blanket, etc., or it can be a person).... he says first the person can exist along with the object, but in order to actually use the object in a benefical way, the person must first destroy it. Your post reminded me of that.

I hope you have a great session tomorrow.

[Mouse_]

Well I'm back. I am not sure how I feel right now, whether I am still in "no T mode" or whether I have found a balance between the twice a week 50min sessions and the reality of the rest of my life? HHmm time will tell.

Told T how I felt very humbled during the break and vunrable and realise how "special" being in T made me feel compared to other people and I dont want to feel special, I'd prefer to live my life on bended knees so to speak.

T asked if being away from T didn't make me feel more special? I said certainly not.

I talked about how I want to make my own choices based on what I want and like and not on what I fantise T would choose.

I noticed a book on her shelves entitled "Oneness and separateness" and said I think that describes what I have just talked about.

Before the break I was living in a bubble of fantasy, I think part of me just wanted to be there whether I healed or not, this time I feel I want to be there for the real reason, but maybe this is part of emotional maturity? One has to learn to crawl before they can walk?

I feel/felt stronger in myself today, I was afraid I was going to melt back to the helpless little child again once in T, though for odd moments I felt that happening, I balanced that with talking more, talking about thoughts as they happened, instead of sitting in silence hoping T could magically read my mind and rescue me.