Its working.

The more yesterday wore on, after my return to T, I felt that hole inside me beginning to fill again. I know what I have been feeling during the 5 week break, loneliness, afraid to even admit to my core self that was what I was feeling.

How can I be lonely when I have a wonderful husband and 3 wonderful kids? Surely it must mean I'm a failure as a humanbeing?

Of course it doesn't mean that, the loneliness is coming from a long time ago, a time when I was to new for words or pictures to comfort myself with, only basic human kindness could and should have fill that void back then.

So today all the reading and writing still cannot fill the void because it comes from a place where words are useless. So I visulise a stream running and that part of me can "get" that, it can get being soothed because thats all it understands.

I realised sitting with T yesterday that I've been trying to make her do or say something for me to help me, when if I sit still long enought and allow the silence and her caring to come through I will recieve.

That great big hole I am so ashamed of inside of me, isn't a sin, isnt me being an awful humanbeing, its my own age old loneliness.

Today I feel different, calm, hopeful. I see now what it means to be a humanbeing and not a humandoing..

This hole inside can be healed.

Ooooh, what wonderful realizations you have. Be careful when you tell your T, she might remind you that you won't "stay" that way, the good/solid feeling of healing will come and go. Your description reminds me of pictures of a bone "knitting" together and the strands of new material growing across the break: http://www.context.org/ICLIB/IC39/bones.gif