[SummerTime12]

I'm feeling worse every day lately, but on the outside I still appear to be keeping myself together. I'm doing fine at work, school, and see friends often. I don't think anyone even knows I'm depressed besides my husband and my T. I desperately want to tell my T how I'm feeling so I don't feel so alone with it, but I'm afraid if I share it all he might hospitalize me, which I definitely do not want. I'm scared of what could happen if I do tell him and what could happen if I don't.

Possible trigger:

I've been suicidal for many years, but the thoughts are getting stronger lately.. I've chosen a future date and keeping thinking of what would be the best method. I'm just ready to give up.

I have a session in a few days but even hanging on til then seems impossible, though I know I will. I'm sorry if that was too triggering to put even in the trigger warning, I just needed to get this out somewhere because I don't know if I have the strength to tell my T yet.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

You should definitely tell your T. Sometimes they let you go without hospitalization with a promise, depending on how severe and how much access you have in their opinion. Either way - its a safety net. Either your T will watch you closer or there will be inpatient therapy watching you very closely.

[satsuma]

When I have bern very afraid, I have told my T that there's something I want to speak about, but I'm too afraid, and then we can "talk about talking". I found that helps. You could also ask "What would be the circumstances where you would recommend hospitalisation" and "would you ever send someone to hospital against their will". That would be helpful to know, and nobody can send you to hospital for asking those questions.
In my experience, T is not generally keen on going to hospital and would only consider it as an absolute last resort, and not if I am disclosing sui thoughts. But I guess this depends on the country, and the therapist, and the situation.

[DelusionsDaily]

Hospitalization depends largely on the T and the threat level(perceived by T)to yourself in the plan you have. It's hard for anyone to tell what your T will do. Hope you are honest with him though.

[Phoenix Noire]

Seek the help. Tell T. You are risking more by keeping it silenced than you would by talking about it.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree that you should talk to your T. And first, you could do what Satsuma suggested, about asking what would lead to hospitalization. I'm under the impression (from asking my T before) that T's don't usually hospitalize for those types of thoughts. The fact that you have a date might concern them (though it probably depends on whether it's, say, 5 days from now vs. 5 months from now). I've heard that if you specifically have a plan AND the means to carry it out, then that could potentially lead to hospitalization, unless you make a safety plan with your T.

[SummerTime12]

Thank you all very much for taking the time to respond. I do like your idea satsuma (to ask what would lead him to force hospitalization on a patient). I'll ask him that for sure next session. Also LonesomeTonight, you make a good point that the date makes a big difference.. I guess he'd probably realize it wouldn't do much good for me to be inpatient right now, when I'm not even planning for right now. I guess I worry that sharing this info with him will come across as manipulative or attention-seeking. Really I'm just overwhelmed keeping it to myself

[satsuma]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Thank you all very much for taking the time to respond. I do like your idea satsuma (to ask what would lead him to force hospitalization on a patient). I'll ask him that for sure next session. Also LonesomeTonight, you make a good point that the date makes a big difference.. I guess he'd probably realize it wouldn't do much good for me to be inpatient right now, when I'm not even planning for right now. I guess I worry that sharing this info with him will come across as manipulative or attention-seeking. Really I'm just overwhelmed keeping it to myself

When I first started therapy, I used to worry that by telling things to my T I was "just attention-seeking". (Yeah, that's what I had been told in my previous experience by others...) My T responded something along the lines of "How can you be attention-seeking by saying these things here? I'm just a person in a room."
Slightly strange way to put it, but it helped me and it stuck with me - I often thought of that. Why would I tell these things in the "secret" of therapy, to a person in a room who will never repeat it, if it was attention-seeking?

[SummerTime12]

Originally Posted by satsuma

When I first started therapy, I used to worry that by telling things to my T I was "just attention-seeking". (Yeah, that's what I had been told in my previous experience by others...) My T responded something along the lines of "How can you be attention-seeking by saying these things here? I'm just a person in a room."
Slightly strange way to put it, but it helped me and it stuck with me - I often thought of that. Why would I tell these things in the "secret" of therapy, to a person in a room who will never repeat it, if it was attention-seeking?

Thanks satsuma, that's a good way to look at it that I never thought of before. I guess if I were attention seeking I wouldn't be on an anonymous forum agonizing over whether it's too needy to share a significant thing with my therapist :/
Right now everything feels so pointless and hopeless, I don't know what good telling him can do. But I guess it can't hurt as long as I make sure I won't end up in the hospital

[DelusionsDaily]

Honestly, I would just go ahead and talk about it with him. I mean it's not immediate then it's likely he will just help you uncover the reasons for your suicidal thoughts. As the date gets closer he may ask you to come in more frequently to ensure your safety. As far as what good it can do sometime just letting out that those thoughts are there helps release their grip on you. For me, talking about the suicidal thoughts releases the "pressure" to act them and given it sounds like there's some time between now and when you plan to act, it also might serve as a way to resolving the things that leave you feeling hopeless and like life is pointless.

[Pain94]

I'm with you, my session this week needs to go towards this..

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

Hospitalization depends largely on the T and the threat level(perceived by T)to yourself in the plan you have. It's hard for anyone to tell what your T will do. Hope you are honest with him though.

Agreed with this.

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I guess I worry that sharing this info with him will come across as manipulative or attention-seeking. Really I'm just overwhelmed keeping it to myself

I do not think your T will think this AT ALL. Suicidal thoughts aren't things people throw around willy-nilly, and I am sure your T would be very glad to know this information. I know my T is when I share with her.

[SummerTime12]

Originally Posted by Pain94

I'm with you, my session this week needs to go towards this..

I'm so sorry you're going through this too I hope you get the strength to talk about it with your T and they can help you

[SummerTime12]

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

Honestly, I would just go ahead and talk about it with him. I mean it's not immediate then it's likely he will just help you uncover the reasons for your suicidal thoughts. As the date gets closer he may ask you to come in more frequently to ensure your safety. As far as what good it can do sometime just letting out that those thoughts are there helps release their grip on you. For me, talking about the suicidal thoughts releases the "pressure" to act them and given it sounds like there's some time between now and when you plan to act, it also might serve as a way to resolving the things that leave you feeling hopeless and like life is pointless.

Thank you for this. I think part of me is afraid that talking about it will help.. because I don't WANT help. But then obviously there's another part of me that does want help or I wouldn't want to tell him.

[DelusionsDaily]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Thank you for this. I think part of me is afraid that talking about it will help.. because I don't WANT help. But then obviously there's another part of me that does want help or I wouldn't want to tell him.

You being on the fence about suicide is more reason to talk about it. I know it can be very difficult to talk about for more reasons than I could list here but I really think in talking about it you might sort through why and alternative solutions to that. However, just be honest with him and see what comes of it. I mean it won't magically erase your date and plan but give him the chance to help you which is why you went...maybe not specifically for this but it's a big factor now.

[SummerTime12]

Thank you, you're right that it's worth the chance! I hope he doesn't either not take me seriously, or take me too seriously ��

[DelusionsDaily]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I think part of me is afraid that talking about it will help.. because I don't WANT help. But then obviously there's another part of me that does want help or I wouldn't want to tell him.

^
Tell him this...it will show him where you are at with it. For when me when I was in this kind of place...part of me wanted to live...even if I didn't want it to be there at the time.

[kecanoe]

For me, as long as I could say that I would stay safe until the next session, ts and pdocs did not want to send me to the hospital. And I struggled for a long time with those kind of feelings, plans etc. Still go there, sometimes.

If you are comfortable sharing your date with your t, I would do that. And then I would ask for extra sessions.

The attention seeking thing-I think lots of people are afraid they will seem that way. A decent t would just work with you until you saw that was what you were doing if that were the case. Don't let that fear keep you from saying what you are feeling and thinking.

[Pain94]

Summer thank you. Didnt want to take away from your post, just wanted to say I understand.

[SummerTime12]

Thank you all. I saw him and told him how I'm feeling extremely suicidal and barely hanging on, though I didn't mention the plan or date. He responded really well, showing concern but trying hard to avoid hospitalization

[SummerTime12]

Originally Posted by Pain94

Summer thank you. Didnt want to take away from your post, just wanted to say I understand.

You certainly didn't take away from my post! It is nice to hear I'm not alone, but I wish you didn't have to go through this too :/