[dawgmom]

My sister is dying. Its tough for her to get around but she needed someone to accompany her on a short trip so, I did. I haven't seen her in a while because we live 450 miles apart but I do talk to her several times a week.

Anyway, its been super hard to be with her. I don't let her see me cry because it upsets her. Sometimes she snaps at me when I try to be helpful.

I emailed my therapist and expressed my pain and fear and this was her reply: "it sounds very difficult for you but I'm glad you're able to be there to help your sister".

Now I feel worse. She often says things like that when I talk about hurts and fears, etc.

What am I saying / doing wrong? Am I misinterpreting her?

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by dawgmom

Am I misinterpreting her?

I'm not sure - could you say a bit more about how you've interpreted her? Why has what she's said made you feel worse?

I'm really sorry about your sister.

[dawgmom]

Originally Posted by lucozader

I'm not sure - could you say a bit more about how you've interpreted her? Why has what she's said made you feel worse?

I'm really sorry about your sister.

It upset me because I felt her reply minimized my feelings and her 'but'... just made me feel I need to be stronger. Like, my being there was more important than how I feel.

Maybe I'm too sensitive.

[lucozader]

Ah. I understand. I don't think you're being 'too sensitive' at all, but I also don't think it was her intention to minimise your feelings or make you feel like you need to be stronger. Having said that, only she can tell you what her intentions were - can you tell her how you're feeling about what she said?

It seems like your interpretation of her words is probably very much related to your relationship with your sister and how hard it is for you trying to be strong and helpful all the time? If you think there might be some truth in that, perhaps it's something you can talk to T about?

I know how strong an effect a T's words can have, and how easy it is to be hurt by them - it's certainly something I struggle with myself.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by dawgmom

It upset me because I felt her reply minimized my feelings and her 'but'... just made me feel I need to be stronger. Like, my being there was more important than how I feel.

Maybe I'm too sensitive.

Yes, the useage of the word 'but' does tend to negate (or feels like it negates) the first part of the sentence. A better way of saying it would have been.

it sounds very difficult for you AND I'm glad you're able to be there to help your sister

My T tries to use 'and' in these cases because both parts of the sentence is true. It does sound like it has been difficult for you and I am sure it is good that you are there to help your sister.

Her 'but' in this case adds to the already negative feelings you are feeling about yourself for having needs around the situation. If this was me... and purely me... I would be sitting there going... why am I so upset, it is her that is dying, I need to be there for her... and so on, completely invalidating myself rather than honoring that it is hard on me because I am losing something ... because... whatever reasons, maybe because my life is being disrupted, maybe I'd be angry because no other family members are putting their lives on hold to help her... whatever they are, why ever they are, they are your feelings and they are valid. AND it is good that your sister has your help at this time in her life.

Originally Posted by dawgmom

It upset me because I felt her reply minimized my feelings and her 'but'... just made me feel I need to be stronger. Like, my being there was more important than how I feel.

Maybe I'm too sensitive.

I don't think she was minimizing your feelings as much as acknowledging the internal conflicts we go through in caring for someone close to use who is very ill. We get frustrated and have fears about it and we are also glad when we can do anything to be of help. I think your T is just acknowledging both sides of that conflict for you.

ETA: I went through the prolonged illness and death of my sister a few years back, so I understand the mixed feelings.

The phrasing of the second part of her reply sounds a bit clumsy to me : 'I'm glad you were able to be there for your sister'. I don't know why she is glad, it's your life, and I don't think she should be glad either way. I guess perhaps you would have found it more helpful if she had responded more to your feelings about your sister's state and about her snapping at you, which sounds sounds upsetting?

[dawgmom]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

The phrasing of the second part of her reply sounds a bit clumsy to me : 'I'm glad you were able to be there for your sister'. I don't know why she is glad, it's your life, and I don't think she should be glad either way. I guess perhaps you would have found it more helpful if she had responded more to your feelings about your sister's state and about her snapping at you, which sounds sounds upsetting?

Yes. I guess I would have liked to feel more supported. I'm struggling with a lot of situations on my own right now and feel very pressured to remain strong when what I'd really like is some support and help. My sister and brother - both much older - are not in good health. My sister is very ill and I have a lot of the feelings Elio described. They're my only family and I'm scared to death.

This especially hurt because our last therapy session was over a week ago and I ended up walking out when my T said her job was to help me advocate for myself. That wouldn't have bothered me except that we were talking about my states vocational rehabilitation services. I have been working with them and trying to advocate for myself to become employed for over 10 years prior to seeing this T. However, they seemed to constantly change things and so when we started working together she began assisting me.

Then, the T experienced my difficulties for herself and because of my upset over it (not her) she said I blamed her. "So you blame me", she said. I told her no and that we just needed to come up with another plan and that's when she said her job was to help me advocate for myself.

I feel like this is all my fault because we have worked so well together and made so much more progress with VRS than I was able to by myself. I felt like they (mostly) took my case more seriously because I had her support. That's why when they found another hoop for me to jump through I was crushed. But I wanted to get back up and keep going and felt I could with her continued support. I feel like she got one dose of what I've been up against for the last 10 years and she wants to quit.

I'd rather have her help and support achieving my VRS goal than try and discuss my feelings with her. Because before helping me with VRS we tried it with the same results. I can deal with the other situations much better when I feel like my own life is moving toward rather than sharing them with her and feeling worse when I don't feel she gets how much I hurt.

Sorry to ramble but I hope this makes my situation a bit more understandable.