In Session Today : Part III

Here is a place to talk about what happened in your therapy session (or via email/text/phone with your T too)

Everyone is welcome to write about anything that has happened in therapy recently, be it sad, scary, confusing, funny, silly or anything in between.

Continued from: In Session Today : Part II

I don't know where else to share about this, because even my spouse doesn't understand how messed up I can get in some relationships. It doesn't happen in real life now though it did when i was younger. Now it only occurs in a therapy relationship, basically intense maternal transference.

My T is awesome. She is also, unfortunately, currently out of town. I have someone else I worked with, a body/energy therapist.

From the beginning we did a lot of talking ( ill call her BT) and discussing feelings. She also works on the "whole universe is made of love" pov, so also a lot of talk about love. So love, intense nurturing touch, talking about feelings.....

Yeah developed intense maternal transference.in short, she just fired me bc of that...

So turns out, I find out now that all that talking and stuff isn't what she normally does. She normally only does body work. But she wanted to "branch out to different forms of healing"...i guess i was a guinea pig?????

I struggle with boundaries bc of the transference. My T manages this really really well. But BY, she gave a lot of mixed messages. Shed tell me not to email her, but then send a long reply, or tell me how much she liked connecting with me. Shed self disclose but then pull out the "were not friends" boundary. Shed say I have to leave exactly on time but then chat sbout her cat after time was up. I guess she was annoyed by all if this but I didn't know bc if you really want me to leave why are you chatting with me????

We've had a few intense emotional incidents bc of my transference....last week we had a sort of crisis . I got hurt pretty bad and was in the ER. I texted her for support( she'd previously said I could texr her) and she basically told me not to bother her.

That went poorly.

I was very very hurt, and our next session just made it worse bc she refused to acknowledge that it had intensely hurt me. I know she didn't mean it to. And if she doesn't want me to text her I won't. But it still hurt me deeply.

After the session there was a heated email exchange, which apparently drained her of all energy...which I thought she would respond if she wanted to and not she didn't. Also that I was "blaming" her.

Then after a year and a half of working together she sends me an email firing me. I called her, thinking there was a misunderstanding but no I am "exhausting " "volatile " "unpredictable " and "she doesn't do emotional healing" like wtf were we doing all this time then??? If its not whar you do, why did you ever ever start doing it????

I feel so broken. This is my worst nightmare. All my child hood abuse was centered around how everyone eould be better off without me bc I was so abnormal and defective and sucking the life out of everyone.

BT has totally washed her hands of me . She says she is "doing it with love" which i think is bs .
When it was happening I was too ashamed to tell my T although my T referred me to BT and sometimes they talk about me so I don't know what T does or doesn't know . I am so broken now i don't care about being ashamed so I left my T a voice mail.

I'm so ashamed. With my T I have learned to control the feelings but with BT the transference feelings were much harder to control. I don't know why and I don't understand why i am so broken....

That didn't go well.

I'm sorry BayBrony. I find inconsistency really hard as well.
Ts need to know what they are doing and have a plan with the relationship I think, instead of making it up as they go along. It sounds like BT was doing more of the making-it-up route?
I hope you get to talk to T soon.

Because your therapist has actually helped you with the feelings, set boundaries, been consistent and so on, while BT wasn't or didn't?

I don't think you're broken or should feel ashamed. You needed something from BT that you didn't get, guidance (for want of a better word) that she then followed through on.

Thanks for that.
I'm trying not to fall into the pit of thinking everyone is better off without me....
But i feel so defective. Why can't I just act normal????

You responded positively and in kind to someone's caring for you and apparent enjoyment of your company.

That's incredibly normal. Or since we should probably avoid the word normal, it's one of the most human reactions in the world.

And she, when she felt overwhelmed and realized she might have screwed up - which has way more to with her than with you - lashed out. Again, an awfully human thing to do.

Inhuman and abnormal are the kinds of things inflicted on you when you were growing up, by a broken, defective parent. You are none of those adjectives.

I'm so sorry, BB. But it was your BT, not you, who was at fault. When is your regular T back in town? I'm sure she could help you work through this and understand that it's nothing you did wrong....

Backround:
J = new therapist
S = ex therapist

Tonight's session with J was really, really good. Really hard, but really good. (Some TW for mention of past assault)

J has now said outright that, whether he meant to or not, S manipulated and hurt me. That he did something wrong. He also keeps reemphasizing that I'm not to blame, but it was really hard for me, because he was calling out specific things that S and I did and was like "try to look from the outside looking in... imagine a therapist getting a tattoo that has emotional significance between him and a client... imagine a therapist driving to a client's house to give them a hug... imagine a therapist allowing a client to just show up every evening to get a hug..." .... his listing these things brought me so much shame -- I literally had to grab my ears whenever he said anything about it not being my fault... because I wanted it... and because some of those actions were MINE -- I drove to his office for hugs. That's something I did, not something S did.

I told J that I was afraid that he would think I wanted from him what I'd wanted with S, to which J responded that whether I wanted it or not, he wouldn't do those things. Which brought me so much more shame, because him saying that made me think "omg he really thinks that I want it... he's already thought through how he would respond to me." What I didn't say and what I'm thinking right now is that I'm afraid that I am an overly seductive and manipulative person. I am afraid that I seduced and manipulated S into giving me these things. My rational (or, rather, wise) mind knows that that isn't true, but I fear it anyways... I fear it in general, actually... that I am this seductive person, and that is why I've been hurt in the past, and that I have no right to be hurt by what men did to me, because I asked for it...I seduced them.

All of this I will have to bring to J again when he gets back. There was just not enough time to get everything out. Fortunately, J is coming home a day earlier than anticipated, so I am only missing one session with him. I will see him 2 Fridays from now.

J also agreed that I am replaying something from my childhood. He says "you were completely parched, S offered you gallons of water at once, of COURSE you took it." Again and again with the "it's not my fault," but I honestly just cannot believe that right now. Also, I am just mortified....mortified at what I wanted. I am embarrassed that I WANTED so much. I feel like a bad person (to which J responded that everyone has needs. "I have needs," he said "and I'm proud of it!")

J also said that a therapist is not meant to be a primary attachment figure. That they can guide attachment -- but that their job is to help the client attach to others in their real life. Their job is not, for example, to swoop in and comfort, console, and try to solve the problems in the client's life when that client comes in crying... but to say "I can see you are upset, can you describe what you are feeling?" and act as a guide.

Gosh there was just so much more, but I'm having a hard time recalling it all to put it into a coherent post. I'm also just really jumbled up about what I've spent the last 3 years doing...and how it's impacted me (guys, I can't even remember the person I was before S...she is a mystery to me) -- we talked about my therapy with S -- I told J some more things S had said (S always told me that my world lens was messed up and to, instead, come to him to ask what was real/how the world worked and to believe his answers about how the world really works....J was pretty shocked at this...). J was very attuned, I felt very much heard, and I felt he was on my side. But I told him, and I've said here, that I'm just not there yet... I know somewhere in my head that S has treated me poorly... but right now, I am not in a place where I can confront that. J has said "to keep S in your life, you have to sacrifice YOU." And I said to him, "right now, it feels like if I lose S, I lose me." And that's just where I am. He told me to take my time.

It was a really good session. Also, Group T called J to let him know I had shared in group this week (I've signed papers so they can talk). It made me feel weirdly taken care of to know that they'd spoken to one another about me. An interesting feeling.

I'm going to miss J this week. I am still feeling pain over his trip and the timing of it (S just confirmed he's leaving tomorrow for Arizona). But, I'm really glad I'm only missing one Friday (and I'll see Group T instead this week anyways). I'm glad he'll be back by the Friday after.

He encouraged me to try and relax while he's gone. I'm going to try. I'm just really.... upset. I feel a lot of grief not just over S leaving...but over whatever I've spent the last 3 years doing to myself that I now have to undo. I can't decide if I wish S never got this phone call so I could still be in therapy with him...or if I wish I'd never met him to begin with.

Well that was fun. I was crying before roboT even got back to his office. He walked in and sat down, asked me about a bandage I have on my hand. Then how I was doing, because I looked rough. "I don't know."

Then we sat in awkward silence for a moment. He was giving me a look. "Was the lie that obvious?" He chuckled and said yes. "Well, I don't want to talk about it. I don't even want to be here. Can't we just sit in awkward silence for an hour?"

RoboT said that he was glad that I came, then asked if something had happened or if it was just a long week. Neither. Then he said, "well, we're going to end up talking about this anyway, so I'm just trying to shorten the route."

So I told him I was upset last week when he brought up his vacation, and that I knew it had nothing to do with me, but it was really terrible timing because I'm going to be alone in my thoughts for 5 weeks. I told him about my brother in law being on a 72 hour hold, and mused if I would be next. Then I told him that I felt stupid for having this conversation, that I felt bad that I was taking my emotions out on him, etc.

He said that he wasn't upset, that I shouldn't feel bad. He asked if the feelings were stemming from feeling rejected and abandoned, and I said yes. He said he understood, that those feelings made sense given my history, and that he felt honored that I was sharing all of this with him.

I said I was tired of being controlled by my emotions. That I wish I could be one of those people that just shoved their emotions on the shelf. That my emotions were too easily accessible. Then he was talking about how it sounded like a lot of my feelings about my emotions are rooted in judgement and self criticism. Uhh, duh.

So the real catalyst was when he said that he was genuinely sorry, and that I deserved to be taken care of by my parents. I sobbed/yelled, "Then why didn't they do it?" I don't know how long I cried. Long enough. T was talking throughout, saying that it was OK to cry, that he could tell I was in a lot of pain, etc. Then he scooted his chair directly in front of me and put his hands on my arms and was trying to physically console me. He pulled away after a moment or two, then said something else that I can't remember. I started to cry even harder, like, I was whimpering crying. He reached out to console me again, his hands on my arms, and I instinctually started to pull away and shake my head. He saw it and felt it and pulled away. I'm mad at myself in retrospect. The only thing I want from him sometimes is to just like, bear hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I started to self soothe (eventually) and was sitting there holding the pillow that is on the couch. He said that he could see that I was trying to comfort myself, and I told him that was part of it, but the other part was so that I could hide away. He asked like if I was embarrassed, and I said yes. He said that he wasn't getting that from me, and that he was really personally touched that I was willing to be so raw and honest with him. Then I buried my face in the pillow, to which he replied, "ah, there's the embarrassment."

He said that he was glad we were talking about the feelings of rejection and abandonment now, because it confirmed for him that he did the right thing by telling me in January that his practice was changing at the end of the year. That he could tell it was going to be hard for me. I told him that I wished I had stopped seeing him the day that he told me. He said he understood why, but that he's glad that I didn't.

By this point I had cried most of it out, and was deep breathing to try to center myself. RoboT was trying to encourage me to stay in the emotion, but I just couldn't. I needed distance. I said that I was tired of crying like a baby.

He sighed and leaned back in his chair in what I think of as his thinking stance. He does this thing when he's deep in thought where he'll put his hands in a praying position, but his thumbs are resting against his nose. He started to say something, then stopped himself. I asked him to share, please. He said that he just wished that he could pluck the self-critical part of me out of my head and get rid of it. I laughed and started talking about the Pensieve in Harry Potter, where I could just use my wand to pull it out and put it in a basin. I don't think that roboT has read Harry Potter; he didn't understand what I was saying. That made me sad.

But then I said, "I hope you don't think that I'm obfuscating here, but this actually reminds me of a conversation I had with someone this past week. I know that the way that I view myself is so distorted. I really wish that I could see myself in the way that other people do." He asked me if I needed someone else's perspective, and I said no, that I wanted to do it for myself.

He said OK, then what do you think your strengths and weaknesses are? I asked him if it was bad I wanted to launch into the negatives first, and he said he wasn't surprised. I told him no, I was going to sandwich it.

I said that first that I was empathetic and intelligent. He agreed.

I said that I was stubborn, to which he replied that can be both good and bad. I said that it can be self-preserving, but that I often am stubborn for no good reason. H's favorite word to describe me is "obstinate."

I said that I'm quick to anger, and roboT said that he hadn't really seen that in session. He pondered about road rage, and yes, I have the worst road rage.

I said that I hold everyone to a high standard, especially myself. I don't give people a chance to get close to me. I said that if I were less standoffish that I would have more friends.

I went back to positive and said that I care deeply for others, which he agreed with, and that I am driven and determined. He said that's what he meant by stubborn being good for me. It serves me well at work because he can see that I fight for what's best for my students. That's actually the same comment that my principal made during my summative evaluation.

RoboT came back to intelligence, and that he was glad that I thought I was. He said it was impressive how easily I'm able to take in and understand new information. I corrected him, I know I am intelligent. He seemed taken aback my how assured I was in saying that. I said it was because I have empirical evidence: I know what my IQ score is. He asked how I knew, so I told him that my stepmom had to administer IQ tests in different age ranges for a class she took, and how her professor thought that she had scored my test wrong or administered it wrong because it was so high. RoboT asked what the number was, not because it was important, but because he was curious. I told him (145), then we discussed standard score and standard deviation for a moment.

I mused that I wish I was more emotionally intelligent. RoboT was surprised, "but you're so emotionally intelligent!" I said, no, I guess I meant that I wish I could more easily regulate my emotions. He agreed, saying that it was one of the keys to me finding peace, but that I needed to accept myself for that to happen.

He dumped all over CBT for a minute, but he framed it talking about psychological theory that he doesn't really practice. I told him, "yes, both T1 and T2 primarily practiced CBT, and that's why I chose you. It didn't work for me, so I wanted to try something different." He said that he thought changing the negative thought wasn't the trick, but that accepting the negative thought gives it less power.

He asked then if I had gotten the mindfulness materials that he had sent, which I had. He asked if I had tried meditating, and I had, but it was hard. These attitudes of acceptance and patience, etc. are the things I am not good at. He said that it's hard at first, but that if I stick with it, it should be easier. He challenged me to use our break as a way to incorporate meditation into my daily routine and see how it helped. It's the first time he's ever given me homework.

Then we discussed schedule. I'm booked halfway through August, could he put me down through the end of September? I said yes, but decided not to see him on my birthday. He was like, oh, that Saturday is your birthday? Mine is like, 4 days later. He doesn't believe in astrology, but we're the same sign, so it must mean something, him laughing as he says this. I laughed and said no, astrology is garbage, but that he and I are alike in so many ways. He agreed. I told him it's why I both hated him and loved him.

I told him as I was getting up to leave that I sincerely hope he enjoys his vacation. He said he'll bring pictures when I see him on July 29th. 35 sleeps until I see him again. I hope he doesn't forget me. I hope he comes back like he said he would.

i dont wanna

My T and I were talking and it turns out that he needs to learn a few lessons in life. I gave him this quote:

"What makes somebody a great person?
It is not how much money they have, or
how many degrees they have, or how much
power and authority they have... it is simply
how they treat other people."

Mary - Frances Winters

I acted out really badly in my session Thursday evening. I'm trying to let it go and not get 'stuck' so I'm going to write about it one more time. (apologies to those who have already read this.) T and I are in the process of terminating (approx 6 more sessions depending on how we space them out) and well, she said she had already started grieving the loss of 'us' and I dunno why but that kinda undid me, and even though most of me knows the time is right and that my next step in growing up is leaving the security of this relationship to forge my own way in the world and I made the decision with her to do this - there's a little part of me that's angry. Angry at myself for making the decision, and angry at her for letting me and not talking me into staying. And that part was acting out by getting frustrated, crying, throwing my papers, telling her I wanted to throw my pen at her, calling my work "crap", god that last part feels about unforgivable... I was acting like a total brat. Instead of just telling her how I was feeling, I let that little angry part of me take over. At least I know she forgave me for it already because before I left she said 'i think we need a hug' and of course I hugged her. I go back on 7/5 and am going to talk about it with her. And then I am going to tell her how hard it is preparing to say goodbye. And ask her how in the world do we 'wrap up' going on 6 years of such a warm, healing, close and amazing therapy relationship that we have had?! I am not going to hide behind my brattitude this time. For heaven's sake, we've known each other a long time, it's okay to be sad about saying goodbye!! Being sad doesn't mean it's wrong. Being sad about it is human. She's helped me SO much. And I'm going to let her help me through this ending too.

Art - why do you assume you're not already grieving? Anger is one of the phases of grief. It's not all weeping and sadness. I wouldn't worry about doing it right, just honor your feelings etc.

Omg I didn't even think about that you're right of course. I'm glad I typed this out again. Thank you.

Out of curiosity, do you necessarily need to do this as a hard, final ending? Could you leave it more as "I'm stopping therapy with you for now, but if I feel the need to come back, say, 6 months from now, the door will still be open?" Just wondering if that might be easier for you than a strict termination. Or if, come November, you decide you could still use a few more sessions, there would be flexibility in that?

Thanks! We've already talked about that, and yes she said I can come back anytime for a tune-up, or if I have a particular dream I want help with, whatever. And the November date isn't written in absolute stone either, although I do sorta need to treat it as if it is as I process this. But even so, it will never be the same as it's been and that's what I'm grieving. that it'll never again be like it's been.

Marriage counselor today. Note: some talk of physical intimacy coming up, so I guess possible trigger warning?

Started by saying we weren't sure what we wanted to talk about. That things had gone well between us in the past week. And I said I figured we could have continued conversation from either last session (D) or week before (transference). MC said he had a thought and commented on how we said it had gone well the past week. I had a brief moment of panic where I was afraid he'd suggest cutting back to biweekly, but he didn't. He said he wanted to discuss why we thought things had gone so well, like what did we do to make that happen?

I said maybe it was that I was in a better place mentally the past week or two, how T had commented on it, so maybe that was part of it? MC said that was like blaming myself for when things go bad. I said D was more calm/on better behavior the past week. MC said maybe we did better because of that OR maybe she did better because we were doing better.

We figured out that H and I had watched some TV together (we haven't done that lately) and also hung out together with D out back some. So maybe taking that time together, even if it was only an hour at a time, helped. H said we'd also had a calm discussion about some financial stuff, when in the past, I would have gotten defensive about my spending, maybe leading to a fight. So us being able to just discuss it and stay calm was a good thing.

I said I also thought it may have helped to have the discussion last session about the stuff with D, that maybe I just needed to get some of that out. And that it may have also helped the previous week talking about the transference/attachment, with H there, and getting that out and having H and MC be OK with what I was saying. I said that sometimes I just needed to get stuff out, whether in there, with just H, with T, etc.

Then I said there was something I could bring up that I'd talked about with T recently, but was kind of afraid to. Plus I thought we only had 15 minutes left. MC said we started slightly late, so more like 20 minutes. I still hesitated. H was like, "OK, out with it." I said it involved physical intimacy. That I appreciated his being patient with me with that and that, as a guy, I was sure he was aware of how long it had been. H said he didn't want to push me on it, to make it seem like an obligation. But yeah, he know it had been since about our anniversary. I clarified to MC that was April, quickly adding, "Late April!" H made a comment about not having enough fingers to count, but that it was OK.

I said I felt weird about saying the next thing, but H said to go ahead with it. I very timidly said that sometimes I feel anxious while being intimate. H said he knew that. I said I'd used a certain word with T but was reluctant to say. H again said to just say it. So I said I sometimes felt almost trapped, in the sense that if we start being intimate, it's not like I can decide I don't want to do that anymore and walk away without offending him. H was like, "Well, you've done that (walked away) before." I said I guessed, but that was when I was really upset. I said I also worry about starting something when I'm tired, because I"m worried I'll fall asleep again during it. H turned to MC and was like, "I think we've discussed that happening before in here." I said yes, and that I felt bad about it.

I said I felt weird about saying this next part, too. But that...if I'm really tired, then the thought of...well, I know H likes to do foreplay and do certain things for me. And I appreciate that. But sometimes, I don't necessarily want to do that, like I just want...something more, uh, quick. But that I was afraid if I told H that, he would be offended. H said he couldn't see himself being offended by that. Especially if I was like, "I'd rather just do x now" or "Instead of y, could you do z?" that would be fine.

I said how I felt really awkward discussing all this (which was probably obvious because my cheeks felt hot the whole time, like I was blushing). MC said that everyone seems to feel awkward talking about it, which is strange in a way, because people have been doing that since the beginning of time, and the survival of our species depends on it. Amazingly, I was actually able to look at him briefly while he was saying this--usually I can't look at him the whole time if we're on this topic. I was looking at H quite a bit, too.

I said another thing was that I tend to like to have my eyes closed during intimate things, to focus on what I'm feeling. But I know H often has his eyes open, even during kissing. So I feel like if I don't have my eyes open some of the time, then H will be offended, or think I'm thinking about someone else. So I keep being like, "OK, need to open my eyes for a moment now and look at him." But then it takes me out of the moment because I might notice, say, a pile of laundry. H said he didn't care if I looked at him and he certainly wasn't like, "It's been a minute since LT opened her eyes--what's going on?" I said I guessed it was like I felt that I needed to put on a performance, that I wouldn't do it right, so I felt all this anxiety. H said I didn't have to worry about that.

MC asked if he could say something. I said yes. He said to me, "It sounds like you're worried about being judged." I looked at him and said, "Yes, that's a big part of it. And a recurring theme for me, as you know." I think H said he wasn't going to judge me. MC said we'd done a good job talking about the topic, even though it may have felt awkward. That we were doing exactly what we should be doing in discussing it.

Then I said that when we aren't intimate that often, I feel more pressure to make things perfect when we are. Like if D does an overnight. H said he was trying to think of a non-sports metaphor to use. We were already over time, I think, so MC asked if he could jump in. He said if it's just one bad at-bat, then he has the whole season ahead of him to improve. That somehow led to MC talking about the baseball announcing part of Meat Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." I said I didn't recall that part, that maybe I'd only heard the shorter version. He said, "You should listen to it." I asked, "So is that my homework than?" He nodded.

Confirmed time for next week (we were probably 10 minutes over at this point), then usual handshake and him saying, "It was good to see you." Then, H gave me a hug in the parking lot, which was nice.

Sounds like a really hard and really good session, LT! Well done to you all! It's lovely that you and H hugged in the parking lot. I think that must be a good sign.

Thanks, Luco. I'm definitely glad I brought up the intimacy stuff, even though I was afraid. I e-mailed T to tell her, and she said "kudos for being so brave." I'm not sure "brave" is the right word to me. I think I've just hit a point where I realize that if I just keep everything inside, it's not going to get me anywhere. I felt like I had to take the chance that H would be offended by what I said, or else we'd just be stuck in this rut forever.

Of course I'm worried I'll push the "being open about my feelings" thing too far (whether with H or someone else) and things will come crashing down around me...