[retro_chic]

The thread about exchanging "pleasantries" with you T got me thinking about something. Sometimes I want to ask T questions about herself such as if she is a cat person or if she has children but I already know the answer to these things because I have looked her up extensively on facebook. I think it would be dishonest or deceitful to ask her things acting like I don't already know so why do I still want to ask her?

I happen to know that T loves cats and so do I and I would like to bond with her over that but I don't want her to know I look her I look her up on facebook literally all the time. Ugh, why am I such a weirdo?

[growlycat]

I do this to test how honest t is. I don't feel good about it either but it makes sense if you grew up not knowing if those around you are trustworthy. I don't know if I that is true for you but it is for me.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I do this to test how honest t is. I don't feel good about it either but it makes sense if you grew up not knowing if those around you are trustworthy. I don't know if I that is true for you but it is for me.

Yeah, that makes sense. I really don't want to be playing games like that with my T, I want to be honest with her but I am scared she will not want to work with me anymore if I tell her that I look her (and her family) up on facebook constantly

[anais_anais]

I've done this too

[ElectricManatee]

I think it makes total sense that you would want to bond with your T over something that is important to you both. Asking her is just a way to get it out in the open so you can talk about it.

BTW, I can't imagine that your T wouldn't know that clients might look her up on Facebook. Mine apparently thought her Facebook profile was more locked down than it is, but she wasn't upset that I looked at it. But still, I think it's fine if you just ask about cats (or just pets in general) without mentioning that you've already seen pictures.

I do this kind of thing not only with therapists but as part of educational and business strategies in my work as well. I don't see anything dishonest in it, firstly because I can't see what can be wrong with looking at public online info of any kind, secondly because you just want to use those pieces of information and dive into it more deeply, use it for relationship building etc. It reminds me of reading someone's (stranger) interests on their website or an online profile, getting interested in them based on it, contacting them to explore it further. After all, I found both of my Ts online and got interested in them based on what they had to say about themselves on the web. I think actually asking them upfront without saying that you already know is more gentle and less intrusive than a statement along the lines of "I have seen on your personal website..." They will have the option whether or not to answer and elaborate more. Don't we build relationships based on shared interests with all kinds of people? Why should a T be an exception? I discussed with mine many times the info they present online and they always very much welcomed those conversations. Perhaps asked why I was interested, and then I said why. Sometimes I got responses that they did not want to talk about it and that was fine with me, clear and honest.

Perhaps your hesitation has something to do with fearing that the T would reject your intest?

[DodgersMom]

i do it, he also knows i googled him before i met him though i just remember a lot of things i saw.

[SoConfused623]

I've been in the same situation having knowledge that I shouldn't have and have refrained from asking questions where I know the answer for 2 reasons.. the biggest reason is that if my T lied about something, I would be devastated and would not know how to handle it. The other reason being that if I'm going to ask a question, I'd rather ask something that I don't know so that I get even more info.

I completely understand wanting to bond over something! And here is a thought.... let's say you have a bad day...you could tell her about it and say, "thankfully, I was able to cuddle with my cat and that put me in a better mood. " Then talk about how important the cat is to you and then show her a picture of your cat and see her reaction. Then in the moment you could say," wow, seems like you like cats as much as I do, do you have a cat yourself?

I dunno, just an idea...good luck!!