[Blaire]

I'm so furious and crushed right now!

I'm trying so hard to work with him, but he is never happy with anything I do. Right now I want to tell him I'm done working with him. He isn't helping me. He keeps trying to get rid of me by telling me I should do some group stuff, but I've had a lot of group therapy and had terrible experiences with it. He knows this. He doesn't care.

I want him to help me with DBT, I even bought him a copy of the workbook. He's told me before he would do DBT with me, but now he's just trying to push me into some group setting where I won't be able to exercise my right to confidentiality about my mental health situation. I understand that DBT groups are a thing, but I can't handle that.

I love him so much and hate him so much and I just want him to do the damn DBT with me so I can get better! I'M TRYING SO HARD! and he's never satisfied with my efforts. He's the one who's not trying! I need him to help me!

We talked today about whether I might have BPD (borderline). He agreed I meet the criteria. I don't know if that means he has diagnosed me. I understand this is challenging for everyone. I feel like I'll never get better.

[Lemoncake]

Sending you virtual hugs, try to take it one hour at a time if you need to.

I know you're trying your hardest and I can understand not wanting to try group therapy if you've already told him about your previous experience. Would it be possible to look for a new therapist, if you feel it's not working out?

[Erebos]

I don't know,about the US but in the UK mental health diagnosis need to come from a PDOC not a Therapists or psychologist.

[luvnola]

You can do the DBT workbook on your own if your t won't work with you. I did do a DBT group and none of us disclosed our diagnoses, but yeah, everyone in the group obviously had issues or they wouldn't be in the group, so I get that. Wondering if you could find a new t though? You might find one who would work through the book with you.

[itisnt]

I just thought I'd mention, and maybe it's something you already know, but there is a solid reason that DBT skills are taught in a group. Usually, the DBT instructors are not your individual therapist; they teach the skills and act as coaches when you're struggling with a situation that requires you to use the skills, but they don't engage in long, in-depth clinical conversations about your emotional life. In fact, in group, a well run DBT group won't allow the participants to discuss, examine or analyze difficult situations, other than to look a the situation and how you reacted with DBT skills or if you didn't use your skills, what skills you could have used. Those discussion are not encouraged and participants are told to take them up with their individual therapist. Reason? The DBT group is for examining your behavior, triggers and the skills you need to learn and use on a consistent basis.

You mentioned that you've had unsuccessful experiences with therapy groups before. Believe me, well run DBT groups are very very different. Usually, people who experience emotional dysregulation (whether they have BPD or not), have a hard time in typical groups because they get triggered and feel unheard in the group. A DBT group is very structured and long dissertations by any member about their melt-downs or tantrums or SI is discouraged. The focus is very much on the skills.

It's hard to have an individual therapist "do" the DBT skills book because it's so different from what you're used to doing with your long term therapist. It can be done, but it can be really frustrating when you come in and want to "do traditional therapy because you've had a rough weekend and need to talk about it and it's DBT day and you're suppose to be working on skills. Just a thing to think about.

[guilloche]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've struggled a lot to with therapists wanting me to go to DBT (or the last one who thought that if I wouldn't do DBT, I should do ANY other group - so that I'd be around more people!)

Here are some things that I'd try with the therapist:

- I'd ask T specifically to talk to me about why he thought I needed the group, what he thought I'd gain from it, what the commitment is (i.e. what if you attended for a month, and then decided you couldn't do it, would he then work with you to find an alternative?), and what his experiences with it are (i.e. has he sent other clients, how did they do, how did they respond, did he notice changes with them).

- What you're feeling - this feeling of abandonment and that he's trying to get rid of - is very very very common for Borderline Personality. I'd be very clear with him that you feel this way if you haven't, and ask him straight-up if this is his intent. (It's not perfect, since people, including Ts, can lie... but it's good to be clear about what you're feeling as he may not know, and to try to work out whether he is actually intending to abandon you, to send you off to group and then drop out of your life, or whether it's something inside your head that you're reacting to).

I will say that, to attend the DBT group here that I looked at, you *had* to have an individual T - it was required. You couldn't do group without a T. So, going to DBT would actually make it harder for your T to abandon you.

My ex-T actually made a point of spelling out that he wasn't trying to abandon me, though it still felt like that a little bit when he wouldn't let the group idea go. It's so hard, isn't it?!

- Third - can you talk to your T about a compromise? Can you ask him if he knows of anything else that might work for you, or look into either a book or an online group? (There were a couple of online places teaching DBT skills remotely when I looked a couple weeks ago, but I didn't make a list... you should be able to find them quickly with google.)

How would you feel about trying an online DBT course? Do you think that might be a good way to compromise, and to get the skills that your T wants you to have?

Just some ideas... I'm sorry you're going through this. Is your T experienced with treating Borderline Personality?

[Blaire]

We have decided it's best if he refers me to a DBT specialist with BPD experience. I agree this is best, but I'm really struggling with my attachment to him. Separating is incredibly painful. I am completely heartbroken, but not resentful. I think things are going to get a lot better. It sure sucks right now though. There's a huge empty hole in my life I have to figure out how to fill. Knowing I have BPD (or at least strong BPD characteristics) is helping me understand what's going on.

[DodgersMom]

Sorry to hear you ended it and I can only imagine how awful it feels to have that empty pit, literally crosses my mind daily about the eventual end.

I hope the new T works for you and you can work through all this pain

[guilloche]

I'm sorry too... it sucks, doesn't it? I hope you can hold on to anything good that you learned/got from this T, and that the next one turns out to be really helpful and awesome!