Session with old t

02:25 PM

I stupidly went back to old t for a session this week. I felt things just weren't going well with new t and needed her advice or support or both.
It was a big mistake because she spent the whole session shouting at me, she blamed me because she said something and I didn't agree. She said this is what I do, side swipe people who offer me something. She said I have no business being a relational therapist because I shut down and couldn't look at her. She shouted at me and said she felt irritated at me and felt like I was just whining. She also called me a liar because I said I didn't care about my results from college, later on I said I felt a little excited then she said if you can't be honest with your t who can you be honest with. She said I was being dishonest with her and what else am I lying about. I just sat there crying. She shouted if you have nothing else to say our time is up. I nodded payed and walked out. I have never felt so abused in my whole life. She made me feel like I was a horrible horrible person all over again.

missbella · Jul 06, 2017, 02:07 PM

That sounds monstrous. The bullying I received was so hard to untangle because it was delivered in the guise of professional authority, "for my own good."
In years since, I've had to recast him mentally as an incompetent, hateful vain man who was a therapist for the power trip. It was a valuable lesson understanding what people do is more important than what they say.

Elio · Jul 06, 2017, 02:08 PM

Ok WOW ...

That was a big step. It sounds excruciating. I'm not exactly how best to respond to this to be supportive for you... I want to point out all of her illogical statements and things she said that was inappropriate. However, it sounds like you felt them, saw them - experienced them and I don't need to retraumatize you with them.

I have tissue and a shoulder, even a shirt sleeve you can use, if needed/wanted.

Jul 06, 2017, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I stupidly went back to old t for a session this week. I felt things just weren't going well with new t and needed her advice or support or both.
It was a big mistake because she spent the whole session shouting at me, she blamed me because she said something and I didn't agree. She said this is what I do, side swipe people who offer me something. She said I have no business being a relational therapist because I shut down and couldn't look at her. She shouted at me and said she felt irritated at me and felt like I was just whining. She also called me a liar because I said I didn't care about my results from college, later on I said I felt a little excited then she said if you can't be honest with your t who can you be honest with. She said I was being dishonest with her and what else am I lying about. I just sat their crying. She if you have nothing else to say our time is up. I nodded payed and walked out. I have never felt so abused in my whole life. She made me feel like I was a horrible horrible person all over again.

OMG!!! That's devastating! I can imagine just how terrible she has made you feel. Your T clearly has issues that 'she' needs to work on. You say that she was your ex T, which suggests that you knew she was not right for you. I'm sorry that you have been treated abysmally & cruelly. You do not deserve to be treated so badly. What a horrible, horrible woman she is!!

lucozader · Jul 06, 2017, 02:20 PM

That woman is properly evil, wtf

I'm sorry, Mona.

Jul 06, 2017, 02:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by missbella

That sounds monstrous. The bullying I received was so hard to untangle because it was delivered in the guise of professional authority, "for my own good."
In years since, I've had to recast him mentally as an incompetent, hateful vain man who was a therapist for the power trip. It was a valuable lesson understanding what people do is more important than what they say.

That is so true

it's just that we have to go through something so horrible to learn that lesson.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JoBo

OMG!!! That's devastating! I can imagine just how terrible she has made you feel. Your T clearly has issues that 'she' needs to work on. You say that she was your ex T, which suggests that you knew she was not right for you. I'm sorry that you have been treated abysmally & cruelly. You do not deserve to be treated so badly. What a horrible, horrible woman she is!!

The thing is that she can be very supportive and lovely at times and other times she is a monster. She really is so unpredictable and unsafe! She was my t for nearly four years. She became very abusive towards the end.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elio

Ok WOW ...

That was a big step. It sounds excruciating. I'm not exactly how best to respond to this to be supportive for you... I want to point out all of her illogical statements and things she said that was inappropriate. However, it sounds like you felt them, saw them - experienced them and I don't need to retraumatize you with them.

I have tissue and a shoulder, even a shirt sleeve you can use, if needed/wanted.

Thank you Elio, that's a lovely thoughtful response. I really felt them for the first time. I sat there and allowed myself to absorb the damaging impact of her words. I really sat there and took them. I am not sure why but I think it's because it's easier to see bait then to argue with her. She was very jealous of new t and told me to finish seeing her because a soft approach won't work with me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

That woman is properly evil, wtf

I'm sorry, Mona.

Thank you

I feel so rotten and horrible and broken after my session with her.

itjustis · Jul 06, 2017, 02:32 PM

This T sounds like a rotten old witch! I wouldn't of paid for that session. Would've told her where to stick it!!

I'm so sorry you have had to endure such awful abuse from a so called professional.

Sunflower123 · Jul 06, 2017, 02:37 PM

I'm sorry you had this experience. Definitely don't go back. Something is wrong with her. I hope you can process this and come to a place of peace.

Out There · Jul 06, 2017, 02:55 PM

Oh dear - that woman has major problems. I'm sorry Mona that you didn't get supported and just get retraumatised by her.

Jul 06, 2017, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you had this experience. Definitely don't go back. Something is wrong with her. I hope you can process this and come to a place of peace.

Thank you Jennifer, I booked another session for next week at the start of my session and part of me wants to go back and tell her everything I have said here and another part knows that she will shout at me and I will just shut down and be unable to speak to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Out There

Oh dear - that woman has major problems. I'm sorry Mona that you didn't get supported and just get retraumatised by her.

She does have problems but she can't see that. Instead, she just tells me I have problems. You know she really does traumatise me. I really felt myself freezing up and going off somewhere else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by itjustis

This T sounds like a rotten old witch! I wouldn't of paid for that session. Would've told her where to stick it!!

I'm so sorry you have had to endure such awful abuse from a so called professional.

I often fantasised about not paying her and reporting her but in reality that won't happen. She is a witch, a rotten old hag!

Elio · Jul 06, 2017, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I booked another session for next week at the start of my session and part of me wants to go back and tell her everything I have said here and another part knows that she will shout at me and I will just shut down and be unable to speak to her.

She does have problems but she can't see that. Instead, she just tells me I have problems. You know she really does traumatise me. I really felt myself freezing up and going off somewhere else.

I often fantasised about not paying her and reporting her but in reality that won't happen. She is a witch, a rotten old hag!

Are you going to keep this 2nd session? Are you going to return to what was current T with the wild hair and possible alcohol problem? Or look for someone else? There had been lots of things with the current T I liked; however, your last post left something to be desired.

Jul 06, 2017, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elio

Are you going to keep this 2nd session? Are you going to return to what was current T with the wild hair and possible alcohol problem? Or look for someone else? There had been lots of things with the current T I liked; however, your last post left something to be desired.

The wild haired one has been magnificent up until our last session and I found myself longing to be there with her instead of there with old t. As I went away in my mind while t was shouting at me and I tried to picture new t, her smile and her laugh. I really missed her. She always tries to understand and responds with so much empathy.
When wild haired t wants to understand but is struggling she will kindly say "help me to understand". When I get upset or go into shock she makes me hot t, gives me a blanket and helps me out my coat on, she really does care. I am learning that ex t doesn't care about anyone only herself.

Out There · Jul 06, 2017, 04:30 PM

What concerns me is the jealously towards new T and telling you to stop seeing her - so she wants you to return to her so she can continue the abuse. In her mind she's helping you no doubt. This is so twisted it's sickening. I hope you don't go back for more sessions Mona , as painful as it is she is toxic , and it's something that's played out in my own life so I know how difficult it is.

fishwithoutabowl · Jul 06, 2017, 05:06 PM

It's damn unbelievable that someone gets paid for this. This makes me infuriated: paying someone to improve your mental health and welfare while she actually breaks it down. Sorry but don't pay that witch. You don't pay someone to get mentally abused. There is a humongous humiliation in such a notion, to pay someone to let her abuse you: don't go there. I would not even cancel the next session either. I just wouldn't show up and wouldn't pay: let the witch sit there and wonder. Don't give her a penny. Send a complaint letter to her office in which you as factual/non-emotional as possible describe her abuse and say you will need extra therapy to get over what this woman did to you.

fishwithoutabowl · Jul 06, 2017, 05:13 PM

You should of course just file a complaint with the state board but I know/understand many would not want to go through such pain and such a hassle that causes a lot of stress. Plus if you don't have physical evidence they may be less inclined to really pursue your complaint since it may get to a 'he shaid; she said'-process. However, if this woman behaves in such an outrageous way to you she surely must have done so with more clients. So there's a chance they have received more complaints and then your complaint (or the next complaint) may just be the drop that makes the bucket run over and they may decide to take disciplinary action. However: if no one reports such abusive behavior of that woman the chance she gets disciplined of course is zero and she can keep doing this (and will get paid for it!)

dtrain0802 · 10:58 PM

So, I've never had this happen to me but I've been in ****** relationships and haven't had the courage to get up and walk away.

I think the strongest thing you did as part of this session with this **** is get up and walk out of her office.

Try and keep your head up. Hopefully, things get better for you.

Sarmas · Jul 06, 2017, 05:22 PM

That's really horrible. I don't see how she would think that the approach she took for whatever reason would be helpful. How is that suppose to be of any value to you?? Therapy is not meant to be degrading and disrespectful towards the client. I'm sorry that you went through such a thing. She doesn't deserve to be paid and more power to you that you sat through that whole session. I wouldn't return for whatever reason. I guess if you felt that you needed to see someone else then find a different T who's respectful of you and will treat you right.

missbella · Jul 06, 2017, 07:48 PM

MLS--I had to do a great deal of "evidence gathering" before I could begin to trust my own beliefs about my therapists. (They were co-therapists.) I believed the authority figures over my perceptions and it was great effort to trust my own truths. Ultimately it's a paradigm that needs to be flipped. You're talking about the Gestalt lady? A few people on my blog had my own experiences. It's long been a controversial modality, and from you write, it seems that this lady takes confrontation long past any possible therapeutic benefit.

rainbow8 · Jul 06, 2017, 11:13 PM

I'm sorry, mona. I wish that session hadn't happened. You deserve much better. Hugs.

Jul 07, 2017, 12:35 AM

Mona, I hope you can stay away from old T and maybe see if things can be worked out with current T. Old T treated you terribly!

Demunie · Jul 07, 2017, 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

The wild haired one has been magnificent up until our last session and I found myself longing to be there with her instead of there with old t. As I went away in my mind while t was shouting at me and I tried to picture new t, her smile and her laugh. I really missed her. She always tries to understand and responds with so much empathy.
When wild haired t wants to understand but is struggling she will kindly say "help me to understand". When I get upset or go into shock she makes me hot t, gives me a blanket and helps me out my coat on, she really does care. I am learning that ex t doesn't care about anyone only herself.

Oh mona... I'm sorry your old-T is treating you so badly. Maybe you could go back to wild haired T? Even if it's just for one session... You really do deserve respect, emphaty and care. You don't deserve to be shouted at

Jul 07, 2017, 08:27 AM

I feel so angry at her! Why does she have to be so mean. I know it's not personal because she was horrible and abusive to my friend too. The thing is, I am still attached to her. I think I will go to my appointment next Friday because if I don't show up it will give her an excuse to say that I am not relational and that I am not a good t.

Elio · Jul 07, 2017, 09:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I think I will go to my appointment next Friday because if I don't show up it will give her an excuse to say that I am not relational and that I am not a good t.

Hmm something seems off about this logic to me.. the concept that you having boundaries and behavioral expectations of the people you hire and not hiring them if they do not meet those requirements (don't do their job) and you not being relational or a good T. It seems to me that an appropriate response to an abusive, ineffective employee would be to fire them, regardless if you are a T or not. And almost especially in this case where they are your T. It would seem to me that you are modeling appropriate behaviors in such a situation. Shoot, I'm not sure I'm making sense here.

She will use anything you do as an excuse to try to manipulate you into being what she wants you to be. She's got issues - we all do, however you don't have to pay to deal with hers. That is your choice.

might not be considered supportive as slight angry rant

Possible trigger:

This has absolutely nothing with your skills as a T or the style of therapy you provide. This is about you working on yourself, working through the inner world of Mona. From what I can tell, a good T keeps those 2 things pretty separate. As the client, they allow their T to use their skills to help them explore that inner world. And when being a T, they use their skills to help others while being focused on their clients inner world. Being able to respect your own boundaries in both areas is valuable in managing yourself and the others in the relationships involved.

IMHO - the only thing you owe her is the courtesy of canceling within her requested time frame.

Would you encourage one of your clients to continue to see... say a personal trainer that treated them this way, left them feeling the way you often feel after a session? Remember how you tried to envision wild hair T, her smile, her warmth among the tirade that was exT. To me that indicates a level of feeling safe with wild hair T. If anything returning to her to talk about whatever is causing you some concerns, would be a sign of you being relational, of you being able to use your T skills on yourself a bit, of you not running from something new, different, scary... and possibly healing. (Hard to say because of whatever rough patch you have found maybe part of your issues/projections/transference... or maybe completely based in the here and now and you'll find that wild hair T also won't work for you in the long run even though her methods and techniques are much different than exT.)

ok..

ADVICE: do what you feel you need to do... for you, not for any of us here at PC, not for whatever exT has said/done... do what Mona thinks Mona needs to do to feel good about her choices, to be able to walk away with Mona's head held high because Mona knows she has lived the Mona she wants to be, she has made the choices that she feels is the best for Mona, not just in the now but for future Mona too. We'll be here regardless of which choice you make.

here today · Jul 07, 2017, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I stupidly went back to old t for a session this week. I felt things just weren't going well with new t and needed her advice or support or both.
It was a big mistake because she spent the whole session shouting at me, she blamed me because she said something and I didn't agree. She said this is what I do, side swipe people who offer me something. She said I have no business being a relational therapist because I shut down and couldn't look at her. She shouted at me and said she felt irritated at me and felt like I was just whining. She also called me a liar because I said I didn't care about my results from college, later on I said I felt a little excited then she said if you can't be honest with your t who can you be honest with. She said I was being dishonest with her and what else am I lying about. I just sat there crying. She shouted if you have nothing else to say our time is up. I nodded payed and walked out. I have never felt so abused in my whole life. She made me feel like I was a horrible horrible person all over again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

That is so true

it's just that we have to go through something so horrible to learn that lesson.

The thing is that she can be very supportive and lovely at times and other times she is a monster. She really is so unpredictable and unsafe! She was my t for nearly four years. She became very abusive towards the end.

Thank you Elio, that's a lovely thoughtful response. I really felt them for the first time. I sat there and allowed myself to absorb the damaging impact of her words. I really sat there and took them. I am not sure why but I think it's because it's easier to see bait then to argue with her. She was very jealous of new t and told me to finish seeing her because a soft approach won't work with me.

Thank you

I feel so rotten and horrible and broken after my session with her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Thank you Jennifer, I booked another session for next week at the start of my session and part of me wants to go back and tell her everything I have said here and another part knows that she will shout at me and I will just shut down and be unable to speak to her.

She does have problems but she can't see that. Instead, she just tells me I have problems. You know she really does traumatise me. I really felt myself freezing up and going off somewhere else.

I often fantasised about not paying her and reporting her but in reality that won't happen. She is a witch, a rotten old hag!

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I feel so angry at her! Why does she have to be so mean. I know it's not personal because she was horrible and abusive to my friend too. The thing is, I am still attached to her. I think I will go to my appointment next Friday because if I don't show up it will give her an excuse to say that I am not relational and that I am not a good t.

Mona -- just to let you know, you have helped me enormously with information you have shared about Dawn Devereaux and the picture from Janina Fisher's book. I am getting some strength and "authentic" ego, I think, after being shot down and demolished by my last T last year.

As I've mentioned before on the forum, I went through a horrible time last December when I connected how horrible I felt from the the last T with how horrible I had felt about age 4 or 5 from actions and attitudes, just the "way things were", in my family. And I had frozen that away. Not much else to do at the time.

I've had some continued contact with my last T by email and snail mail and may meet with her again at some point. I believe the reason the therapy could not continue was her issues, even though of course I had mine, too. And, thankfully, I think she accepted that, although she had no other personal resources to try to help with the situation at the time. I was still incredibly angry with her, though.

The topic of our most recent email was the excerpt you posted about Not One but Many Transferences. PM me if you'd like to see some of my end of that communication.

Good luck with your appointment, if you go!

junkDNA · Jul 07, 2017, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

The thing is that she can be very supportive and lovely at times and other times she is a monster. She really is so unpredictable and unsafe! She was my t for nearly four years. She became very abusive towards the end.

this is gaslighting and manipulation

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