[Calilady]

I'm trying to figure out a way to break-up with my T (she has me scheduled for this Friday) and I don't know what to do. First of all, I don't want to let her go although she hurt me last week and in doing so, I flashed back to images of childhood (good times). It's my attachment issues that are making this rough for me (it's like I'm screaming and not willing to let go of my mommy, even is she's mean to me).

I'm thinking if I can pull the trigger and do this, to mail her a letter. I don't know whether to include the details of what happened (she doesn't have a clue) or not. I'm trying to reconcile what's best for me...

My question to you, the reader, is have you ever written your T/ex-T a letter? Why did you write it? How long was it? And how did it make you feel, after?

Has anyone broken up with their T via a letter?

[Elio]

I've written my T many times - I journal to her. It's different than what you are looking for though. For your situation, I think you could just call and leave a voicemail or send an email saying that you want to explore other options. Maybe you are just living out your avoidant pattern; however, from what I have read, I don't think this T is a good one for you. It feels like things are too blurry and you are on the receiving end of too much of her stuff.

Why don't you want to let her go? If you stand back and do the +/- of the situation, is her method one giving you more pluses than minuses? Are the minuses more damaging than the gains from the pluses? It seems to be that you should at least try a few others, because I don't think in the long run she is using a method that will work for you and I do agree with the general theory that the relationship is key if you are looking to resolve issues/traumas and such.

[Sarmas]

I've emailed or texted my T when I have taken a break. I don't usually just take a break unless there's been a series of issues leading up to that point. Then I just briefly send her a text or an email with a short explanation why. The only time that I didn't explain why I was ending therapy was this past Wednesday. I think she already knows due to our issues via text. Once I mention the word "break" she won't respond. Anything I say after that doesn't matter.

[awkwardlyyours]

Yes, I've written her both a letter to read in session and emails that I'd sent earlier.

She asked me to cut it out.

All of it.

Likely because they were all angry rants?

Or she didn't like my writing style (I don't blame her -- I do tend to be needlessly verbose and she is a rather slow reader)?

Dunno

In your situation, I would check out other Ts -- tell this T that you'll come back in a bit. Give yourself some breathing room.

I've written letters and brought them in to read aloud to T.

Usually they're about apologizing to her, or about telling her how something she said in a previous (or further back) session has hurt me deeply. I usually do that when I feel like I want to leave her because I feel really hurt.

To her credit, she has always owned up non defensively (even if she told me she felt wronged and that she hadn't intended to hurt me) if her words had hurt and we explored the issues.

Your T...I don't know if she can be non defensive and accepting

I also journal to T, a bit like Elio does, though I give them at the end of the session to read at her own pace.

[here today]

I have had several exchanges with my ex-T by email and snail mail and it has worked pretty well. Writing things out gives me the time to express stuff, then think about it, then edit it.

We had broken up, kind of -- I wasn't satisfied and she said that she didn't have the emotional resources to deal with me, at that time.

But still there was unfinished business, and the email or snail mail route has been a pretty good way for me to try to deal with it.

I've written out long explanations -- and then deleted them. Over time, I have written what I thought might be something that made (easy) sense for my ex-T. Don't know for sure of course. But that's what I tried for.

I'm glad that I tried it. Still don't know if there will be a resolution/result that I'm satisfied with, but I have tried and I'm glad of that.

[Chummy2]

I've writen two letters to my prevT. The first one I had written as a thank you letter, it was when I stopped with therapy (at the time I thought it would be the last time I would see her).
The second time was when I was back in therapy (after about 1,5 years of no therapy). I had been back in therapy for over a year when she went on leave. Which causes many feelings in me. After a months of her being away I wrote an angry email. It wasn't that long.

On both letter I didn't got a reply. With the first one I had hoped for a short reaction be email, but no. With the second one I also wanted to sort of challenge her.

Oh, and before she went on leave I also wrote her a long email, but that was more about how I felt about everything, how difficult is was for me.
I didn't really get the reaction I hoped for. I was too afraid to ask it straight, and she didn't reacted on all the issues I wrote on, so 2 or 3 important ones where left undiscussed.
But she also could talk around subjects and not just be direct. Mostly on stuff that where about her.

When I wrote things to her, it felt good/relieved. But when I didn't get a reaction back, I just felt hurt.

I haven't broken up with a T by email, thought I've expressed the thought of stopping therapy.

I've never written a therapist an exit letter. I wanted to write a long--gone therapist a letter as to how the termination affected me, but my current ex therapist was concerned that it would have more of a negative effect on me if I wrote it at that particular time. Her question to me was was I going to be okay with whatever response I received? That included no response. I agreed I was not ready at that time and as I progressed in therapy I no longer had the desire to waste time on someone that didn't get it then and may not get it now. I also had no constrictions on how much I could rant about her and no limits on emails to my then, now ex therapist which helped a lot.