For those of you whom have been hurt by the therapist you're attached to...

Yes. To all of this.

There's a huge potential for these situations to be a total mindf**k. You're bringing your issues with you to the relationship (as you should, since it's therapy). Your T is distant and unaccepting. She can't see things from your point of view, and she's blaming your issues for all the problems in the relationship. You think, "Hmm. This seems familiar and comfortable. Maybe I can make it different this time." But the problem is that it isn't different at all. Your T is helping you re-enact old relationship patterns. She's going along with it, and then she's blaming you for getting the same thing you always get, when really the T is supposed to be the one who refuses to get sucked in so she can guide you toward seeing what a healthy relationship looks like.

It's another red flag that your T is needing validation from you (and accepting gifts in this situation seems weird to me too). She should be getting support from other people in her life, not her clients. One time I said some pretty harsh things to my T when I was upset (including that I didn't think she could help me), and she didn't take it personally. I apologized later because I realized what I said wasn't true, but I didn't feel like she thought an apology was necessary. We could have easily repaired the relationship without it. All she wants is for me to be myself, even when that gets messy.

Do you think that the shame and the blame from your T are helpful to you? It seems like you are stuck spending a lot of time wondering what is going wrong and what you can do to make it right. Your needs and your potential for growth are getting lost while you wonder how you can coerce your T into helping you.

ETA: You might be interested in the concept of repetition compulsion.

. . .
I am quoted in his book. Here's what I said about this at the time:
"This sounds good, in a hypothetical way. But how often does this actually work out? Where is the data that shows that these sorts of attachment theories actually can be translated into healing in the therapy room? I went thru a brutally painful therapy experience last year. My core wounds from both childhood and adulthood were brought to the surface. After a while my therapist gave up on me. Was worried the process was harming me too much. I now realize termination and the associated rejection and abandonment was even more harmful. She refused to help further. Her own insecurities and vulnerabilities took over. Massive betrayal and total fraud. I have no real recourse, partly because there is no oversight and therapists can do whatever they want, in isola- tion. Totally ruined me."

What an incredibly powerful statement. Is it in the book the OP quoted from?

I have bolded part of your experience that is similar to mine. Perhaps if more people become aware of that dilemma then the ethics guidelines that therapists can just bail when they're in over their head will be changed? My last T provided some referrals but I think it needs to something more than that

Is the gift giving weird? I thought they were tokens of my appreciation for things she didn't have to do.

I agree. It's a dilemma I'm going through as well and I feel like yes, I wanted her to trigger me by going to the past (which she refuses to do, we only talk about the week before), but rather she accidentally and unintentionally (she said) retraumatized me. Or so it felt.

There I was, being scolded, shamed and guilted by an attachment figure and hoping to maintain my composure so I could get somewhere safe (my car) and cry my heart out. She didn't notice Any of it.

It was like i was 10 years old all over again. Now, if I go back and tell her this, revealing where the wound is, are we going to play out the same patterns I've always experienced, or is she gonna pull us out of it? Or not even let herself get sucked in. And that's if, based on her own attachment system, she doesn't get angry and eventually get frustrated with me because I'm no longer being the nice client. Which would also repeat patterns. I let things slide, accept behavior from others, but the moment I speak...I get punished with blame or guilt.

WHat if catharsis is tellinh my T that those are her issues, not mine, and that I don't need to play the role of the good client anymore and I deserve to be seen.

T's have their own attachment system. I believe less than 50% is "securely attached", so what are the odds. She said she could take my avoidant ways, but it doesn't seem like it.

If we begin to get into this more and she bails- for whatever reason- am
I going to shut down again? Avoidant attachment folks are much more prone to this.

I'm getting lost in all of this. I reached out to the guy who wrote the book and he implored me to return to her. I'm lost...

What he says is very seductive. But I think it's mostly magical thinking. He acts as if one can transfer their childhood horrors directly into the therapy relationship, where they can be processed according to some formula. He is conducting psychological experiments, while selling it as a controlled process. That's dishonest... especially if he fails to spell out how often this goes bad, why, and what the effects are.

I am quoted in his book. Here's what I said about this at the time:
"This sounds good, in a hypothetical way. But how often does this actually work out? Where is the data that shows that these sorts of attachment theories actually can be translated into healing in the therapy room? I went thru a brutally painful therapy experience last year. My core wounds from both childhood and adulthood were brought to the surface. After a while my therapist gave up on me. Was worried the process was harming me too much. I now realize termination and the associated rejection and abandonment was even more harmful. She refused to help further. Her own insecurities and vulnerabilities took over. Massive betrayal and total fraud. I have no real recourse, partly because there is no oversight and therapists can do whatever they want, in isola- tion. Totally ruined me."

Hang in there. It sounds to me like you're doing really well, finding yourself in all this. "Seeing" yourself, even if your T doesn't. And seeing your T for who she is, maybe, too.

I have not read the whole of this thread but I read others posted by you and the first question that came to my mind: what are you attached to actually? Especially because you said earlier that attachment does not tend to come to you easily. What is it in her, in your experience with her, maybe in your projections into all this? From the descriptions, it does not sound lie she is treating you very well or that she has been super helpful with your primary issues. Perhaps that could be an useful question to ask, not necessarily with this T but think about it yourself? For me, it was one of the most productive questions, but the Ts did not help me to figure it out at all.

Wow, what chapter is this in?

Any word to the wise, re: this? What would your advice be to people going through it?

From my perspective, this passage is spot-on. I have experienced very similar things with my T. One time she made a very minor and understandable mistake (think logistical thing), and I got intensely angry. She got me in for a sooner appointment (same day), and by the time I got there I felt guilty for being angry because I knew it was just an honest mistake. She was able to draw out the hurt and deal with it in an understanding way, even though I could tell that she herself was feeling very sorry about having made the error. It would have been easier for her to apologize profusely and shut down the irrational anger (we both would have felt relieved then), but she knew that it would be helpful for me to have somebody really hear and understand my anger for once in my life. She was tough enough to really listen and explore it, without getting defensive about her mistake. And it was a huge moment in my therapy. I'm glad she handled it gently and made it into a growth opportunity for me, and I know that it strengthened our relationship. (She did apologize at the time and has even mentioned since then that she regrets the mistake, even though I am super over it.)

Reading your post, it kind of sounds like this passage made you question whether you want to leave your current T, and if so, I'm wondering why. I understand how rare it is for you to get attached to somebody, but this T does not sound like somebody who is secure or experienced enough to do this for you. Think about the interaction the passage describes: Calm, safe environment, you're freaking out, the therapist is emphatically NOT freaking out. The situation stays that way for as long as you need it to for you to become calm and to feel understood. The T understands (even without you having to recognize it) that the intense stuff is about you, not about her. You can be extremely upset with the T about something that is not even her fault (sick kid) and she STILL isn't getting defensive or upset. Does that sound like something you can consistently expect from your current T?

One thing that maybe isn't clear about finding the right person to have this experience with is that they are actually (counterintuitively) unlikely to activate a strong attachment response from you right away. And by right away, I mean it might take months. Healthy, stable people seem unbelievably boring when you are used to chaos being necessary for you to get that intense, connected feeling. I'm super attached to my T, but it took years for me to get to the point where I felt that way about her and thus could do this kind of work. It sounds like you are ready now, so it might happen faster for you if you are willing to be brave, but I personally am 100% sure it needs to be with a different T.

THIS!!!!

when past feelings are woken up the T needs to be able to both be present AND disengage her own natural tendency to defend herself, etc.

For example I was once incredibly angry with my T for canceling an appointment last minute due to speaking at a conference ( conference was local and they changed her presentation from morning to afternoon at last minute). Of course it wasn't really about canceling the appointment ---if a friend did the same thing id be fine. It's about all the abandonment in my childhood.

My T was firm but so compassionate, no matter what I said. " I'm sorry Bay, I know its hard, but I need to speak at the conference and i don't control the schedule. I know you are hurt. I didn't intend to hurt you. " she never got defensive or angry or anything. She just remained calm and kind and firm.

That does not sound like what your T did. If she hasn't done the work on herself to allow her to remain centered in the midst of yoyr feelings, she is not a safe person to do attachment work with no matter how much you like her.

I've been in therapy for 5 years due to attachment issues and CPTSD associated with childhood abuse and neglect....i promise you if you are working on attachment stuff there will be lots of volatile emotions and your T needs to be able to hold the space without suppressing them

"Hold space without suppressing them." Wow, food for thought.

Smith says: "This is how the therapeutic relationship heals. At first the feeling is towards the therapist, and may be uncomfortable and threatening. As the therapist encourages exploration of what is happening, the feeling heals a little and becomes more safe. With safety, the mind is able to furnish the original context involving the parents and sibling or other earlier experience. Now, the therapist is able to serve as a comforting and empathic witness. Those are the conditions for catharsis: Feelings being activated with their original details in a newly safe and empathic context."

To me this is idealized in the extreme. And hypothetical. It begs to be deconstructed. For example, the alleged safety is potentially an illusion. How can you be safe with someone who reveals so little? And is the empathy real or a performance? And so on.

For me in hindsight... even if the therapist I was "attached to" had boundless patience, empathy, and equanimity, it would still have been an engineered pseudo-relationship without a lot of real-world relevance. I don't know what I would have learned, other than how to conduct myself in a therapy relationship. I also can imagine that if a therapist is behaving in such an idealized way, there might be impetus to continue the relationship forever.

I'm right there with you right now. I feel humiliated to be attached to a person I have to pay to have this one-sided relationship with me. I'm just lost and confused with all of it. I've yet to finish that therapist's book, but I have messaged him and insists that in his professional view, I should continue to see my T.

But if I have a history of one-sided relationships, aren't I continuing the same pattern? She can't offer me anything in return. Doesn't this attachment, which is rare, keep me safe by avoiding true intimacy?

I'm right there with you right now. I feel humiliated to be attached to a person I have to pay to have this one-sided relationship with me. I'm just lost and confused with all of it. I've yet to finish that therapist's book, but I have messaged him and insists that in his professional view, I should continue to see my T.

But if I have a history of one-sided relationships, aren't I continuing the same pattern? She can't offer me anything in return. Doesn't this attachment, which is rare, keep me safe by avoiding true intimacy?