The Couch 149 : Boby Lives On!

I didn't know shoofly pie was actually a thing, googling recipes now...

Can we please skip this week

I second that. I'm not looking forward to this week at all.

I just need to make it through to Wednesday but I don't know how

Guess I am going to a casino today with my mom and her friend lol

I'm sorry, it was a stupid game. I didn't mean to make anything worse for you.

Wasn't someone looking to get out of jury duty recently?

my son just got a summons on Friday for jury duty. he's all excited about it!

Then the article I posted will tell him how best to make sure he gets selected!

Sorry, anais. You're fine. I'm just not in a great headspace.

H woke up to find me crying while I was laying on the couch. Pretty much insisted that I talk to him. He was confused because I wasn't willing to tell him what happened in therapy yesterday. So we were talking about it while I cried my way down the shame spiral. H said that it sounds like T was probably getting pissed off because I was deflecting but didn't know how to call me out. That he tried the best that he could, because December is the elephant in the room, especially given what happened right before Ts vacation. H said it probably is a good idea to find someone else, and that it would be a waste of my time to go back. I sat in the feels for a minute and said that I wanted to go back, even if it's to express my hurt/anger. So often I retreat into myself and away from people who hurt me. (Literally like I did with bio mom. Oh my God I just realized that). I want to break the pattern and express my feelings. If that means next week is our last session, then so be it. Maybe not. I guess it depends on what happens in the room.

I hope this is the last time I post about this for now. I feel like I'm being emotionally exhausting, and I don't like myself much when I'm like this. I much prefer to be supportive of all of you.

I hope you all have a good day. Hugs to whoever wants or needs.

Art, smh. Why is it more "real" to talk to you, or your son, meanly rather than politely? Do unto others, no?

Plus, its over when its over. It doesnt sound to me like its over. You can STOP, but you didnt finish... KWIM?!

Eta - i think my brain is made of chocolate cupcakes on one side (left brain) and strawberry shortcake on the other (right brain) with the corpus callosum connecting them made of turkish taffy.

that wasn't really the point at all being more real talking meanly rather than politely. if i somehow said that, it's not what i meant. i just meant, oh hell i don't know what i meant....

but you're right on one thing. i know i'm not finished! maybe you're seeing something i'm not because i'm way too close to the situation, but it sure feels like it's over. i don't think she'll even want to see me one last time despite her saying her door is open. i'm just still so confused. i'm sorry i keep talking about this. i'm just trying to understand. i really am.

That sounds like a most interesting brain.

Is anyone surprised?

Noooooooooooot really!

(ooh, Artie gets around the minimum characters by adding o's haha)

I need to buy a magnifier sheet or something to read books now. Even with my bifocals that work for everything else, this book I'm trying to read about Childhood Emotional Neglect, the type is so small I can't read it! Grr.

I dont comment on what YOU SAY, i comment on what I THINK YOU MEAN! I'm very annoying that way, but hey i own it!

I love hearing you talk about this. You expressing your ambivalence helps me get in touch with my own, and gets my teeth brushed at night!

Anything to get you to brush your teeth, my dear!

Oh ambivalence. That sounds like it should be the title of a poem.

Ambivalence.
Better known as
Sitting on a fence.

How's that?

So in news that should surprise no one, I find myself immobilized, lying in bed depressed. I want to be okay, I want to be well adjusted. I'm just...not. Im not as angry at T as I was, but just very hurt. I don't understand why he would purposefully upset me.

The view from here
not as severe
as if i'd pick a side.

cuz to commit
is hard, dammit
i wish i could decide.

Isn't therapy supposed to be about what you need, not her needs? If you need to do this sooner rather than later, maybe put your needs first.

Yes that's true as far as it goes. But she said she was taking a month off and I'm not going to piss her any more by bothering her sooner than that. I've already done enough damage...

Poetry slam, Couch style!

Why decide?
It's hard to do.
Let's just run and hide.

and then we'll never
have to know
how much we could abide.