The Couch 149 : Boby Lives On!

Oops
Too late haha

Matt is alive! Matt is aliveee
Glorious day!!

Yes I know I put his name

Yay!

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I slept like a log last night after finally emailing t. I'm hopeful for a positive response of course but I really don't know what to expect since everything is so weird right now. I know I've read on here that others have impulsively quit before and then gone back. How does that work anyway? It's further complicated since we were going to be ending in November anyway.

Oh well I have to go to work. Later couchies.

Current T told me in a completely jaded, ho-hum tone that there's a whole lot of "hiring and firings" in how clients deal with their anger towards her (this was my 2,756,489th attempt at asking her if she responded to other people's anger like she does mine -- apparently I'm unique in the "intensity and duration" of my sarcasm + needling anger manifestations ).

So yeah, while thinking about it this way might suck for some people, I'm pretty sure therapists for the most part remain rather unfazed by the prospect of clients quitting and coming back.

Granted, initial responses (like current T's to mine) may be outta whack as they try to adjust to the "new normal" but if you keep at it, they get used to it at some point.

Bottom line -- I wouldn't worry about it. Go back if you want to. Don't if you don't. Go back and then change your mind. Don't go back and then change your mind. Whatever works for you.

I've texted current T asking to come in about 1 hour before my session (after I'd cancelled) and she's always been like yeah, sure -- sometimes, when she's given away my slot, she offers me a later slot. I'm sure it annoys the crap outta her sometimes at least but I figure she can always say no -- also, I've asked her about it directly and she actually told me that she's super used to this business of "I hate you. I like you" (her exact words) routine of clients and doesn't really see it as her stuff to worry about (unless of course the client happens to be an arsehole like me who keeps insisting till kingdom come that she also examine her stuff -- everyone does therapy in my session!).

so again i have therapy and i am so going to try and talk about things on my list and not focus on her leaving . im starting to believe she isnt going to abandon me . but again i have no idea how to go about this .any ideas ??? i have printed out a copy of my list to give to her so we both have a copy .but i have no idea how to start

There was another text exchange with duchess last night, one she started - which if we get back to the texting thing again.... she'll probably ignore that she sends me more than I do her - whatever. It helped. This 2x a week thing is difficult though.

(((granite)))

(((EM)))

Thanks that helps! I'm beginning to think I may never be settled about t so I should just adapt..... I dunno. I hope she responds at some point. If she doesn't at all even by next week when she's back, I guess I better prepare myself for that possibility and somehow leave her alone and know it's really over. This should not be so hard and it makes me feel defective.... sigh....

Just woke from a dream where I punched a former boss on the nose. I feel great!

I want to go home. Boss said, "Take a deep breath and just push through it". My whole body hurts and I want to crawl in a hole.

parents divorce is final and I feel like I'm a little kid and for some reason it really hurts and is affecting me not in a good way. I texted duchess but who knows if she'll respond. I guess I just need hugs and to not feel alone.

No answer from deplorable conductor. But the orchestra manager just asked me to play with them for September. It's not a year-long contract like I had last season but.... it's a start. It's something to work with. It's better than nothing, which is what I was bracing myself for.

I mean what does t expect anyway? I wouldn't be in therapy if I didn't have issues!!! Although this whole mess makes me want to disappear at times. I want to run away from myself.

Just venting. I hope she doesn't see my email til she's back in town.

....i need to remember that next time i'm a mess over some stupid thing i did in session

I am pretty secure in the knowledge that your relationship with your t is pretty secure! I wonder why you are not? Why does it feel so slippery or ephemeral or whatever to you?

This reminds me of my parents, esp my mother, who was always accusing me (and my brother) of lacking connection to her, but it was she who dictated the emotional connections in the family. I guess, what feels out of control? IME, h's worry about t's upsetting the balance of control. Its always, "let" your wife see a t, then divorce follows. But only if the h is a butt!

My neighbors growing up were Mr&Mrs Butt

art, I am confused. Didn't she say to let you know when/if you want to return? That sounds a whole lot like she is saying the ball is in your court and that if you want to return, let her know.

As a side question...do you have a hard time accepting the final piece of pizza if someone tells you to go ahead? Because when that happens to me, I used to be no no, even if my stomach was rumbling, just out of fear that they didn't really want me to have the pizza. Today, I'm more like, "Yeah I'll take that last piece!" I figure, if they really didn't mean what they said, they can make sure not to offer that again.

When I don't know how to get into a particular topic or struggle, I ask my therapist "So how does this work, because I don't know how to get at this." Could you do something similar with your list? Having it in writing, you don't have to fumble with how to frame things. It's more about asking her how to go about working on the list.

A girl in my high school, that was her last name.

It's also the B in the HEB grocery chain name.

So I sitting I'm a bar down the street from Torricelli getting eddy drunk therapy sucked so bad ihatemy self

I guess it feels so insecure to me cuz I answered "I'm out" and she cancelled my remaining appointments a week n a half ago. I basically quit. So that killed the relationship. Didn't it? I am a fool.

She's not going to respond to me, is she.

I need to just get over this. I hope someday it stops hurting.

I hope I just die in a car crash on the way home

She did but now I'm afraid she didn't mean it. I don't know where I come up w these feelings.

And no. I can't take the last slice of pizza.....

Granite please be careful. I care about you. Can you call a cab or something? (((Granite)))