The Couch 149 : Boby Lives On!

Is she really controlling like that, or is that more about your perception or fear?

I'm having a rootbeer float....and I have no idea why I needed to say that.

Longing is something I mentioned in my e-mail to MC Monday night. Since that's part of what comes along with the paternal transference, when it feels particularly strong, like in session on Monday from when he was hugging and rocking the pillow and talking in a soothing voice like it was a baby. Once in the past, I referred to it as "generalized longing"--like part longing for him as a paternal figure, part longing for what I wish I'd had as a kid, part just longing for something that I can't even articulate. I get the sense it's common in therapy, as the therapeutic relationship awakens a need we'd suppressed or forgotten we had.

Art, I think it's totally a ok to email a therapist while they're out of town--I have done that many times--as long as you can withstand the tension of what not hearing back might mean.

(I want to add though, that we have an understanding that I can email all I want, but she might not/probably won't respond when on vacation, so my worries about not hearing back are less fraught.)

The whole thing with me is, I never even GOT that - that there was longing on my part - I couldn't articulate my feeeeeelings either - but that's exactly what it is. I mean I know that I 'used' her as a good-enough mother, I understood that, but I didn't understand the longing part - the strong feelings between sessions and now - didn't understand that that's what it was. Damn. How come my t didn't recognize this? Or if she did, how come she didn't bring it up to me sooner than that 2nd to last email that caused me to say I quit?

Oh I so badly want to go back and see this thing through now. ETA: Would it be rude of me to email her when I know she's out of town this week? Especially after telling her that I would call after a month? It's only been 2 weeks since my last session, and a week and a half since I said the fateful "I'm out".
ETAA: Well, I suppose if she even checks her email while she's out of town, that's on her, right? She could just not even look at it if she doesn't want any, right? Or am I just fishing.
ETAAA: then again, I should sit on this for a couple days.

Because of all my shamanic wolf stuff I used to express this longing to my T as "all the howling, the wolf puppy howling "...it took a long time to really explain to myself and her what I was getting at. Now i find, since I am free to express it its easier to deal with....much less shame, etc....

Like now, when i leave I will sometimes hug her a second time and make whiny puppy sounds and beg her to let me stay etc. We both know I'm serious but also not serious...its ok...no one is upset about it...

The freedom to be so open, to say " I miss you so much, it's so hard in between sessions, etc" has opened up a great deal of stuff to work on AND relieved me of a lot of shame I carried

i just typed up an email to t. i'm skeered to hit send.

i get this sense that you REALLY want to email her in the past few days. What can come of it? She can completely ignore it (has she ever done that?), she can agree to see you sooner (i don't see why she wouldn't), or she can rebuff you and say "wait until aug whatever date it is." (what is the likelihood of that?)

And If she DOES do that, you probably know that maybe this relationship has run its course. Right?

You're absolutely right, velcro. Thank you.

I hit send.

Tonight's entertainment is that I just found a box of five singing bowls (and eleven mallets for them)

Eta ooh and COWBELLS