So I have been in two minds about starting this thread. Mainly because I like to be clear about what I need from a thread and I really don't know what I need here because I'm really not sure why I'm having such a strong reaction to what occurred in therapy. I've talked a bit in PM and I feel a bit reassured that my feelings aren't completely irrational.
I know what I don't want from this thread - I don't want to be told my T is being a jack@ss and I don't want to be told I am being stupid for feeling this way. So if either of those constitute your opinion, please keep it to yourself. I'm feeling rather sensitive.
As some people might have read on another thread, two big coincidences occurred in my therapy this week. It was the first week after the break. I brought a book which had been helpful and read a passage. T asked me who had written It, and when I told him, he laughed and said it was his former therapist. That was a huge surprise. I googled this writer afterwards and he lives at the opposite end of the country so it's not like it was just a local book or anything. It does kind of make sense because this chapter talked about an idea we were talking about in therapy. It's not massively surprising really that he will have been influenced by someone who teaches that idea.
Then later in the session I got my phone out to show him some photos and he went really quiet. I asked him what he wasn't telling me. He asked if I had a new phone case, I said yes. He said he was just distracted by it.
Thst didn't add up to me and I just looked at him. He said Oh, I suppose I'd better tell you, I just got that same case for my kindle. At first i think he had been worried his choice had been unconsciously influenced by my phone case, but I told him he hasn't seen it before.
It reeeeeally bothered me that he went so quiet about it. I told him so and he said he hadn't had a negative reaction, but he pointed out it was the second big coincidence that session. I was and am a bit frustrated with him but also a bit confused about how close we have become. We like each other a lot, and we are quite similar. I feel like that's scaring him a bit which worries me. I might be wrong about him being scared but it's how I feel. I'm impatient to discuss it further with him.
Like I say, I'm not sure what I'm looking for, maybe just friendly perspectives on what's gone on and why it has bothered me so much.

[NYC78]

To me the reaction as an outsider position is that he was thoughtful and didn´t wanting to say something.

btw...Can I ask what kind of photographs did you showed him?

[atisketatasket]

I don't believe in coincidences the way most people do - not that they can't happen, but true coincidences, where there is absolutely no causal connection, are rarer than usually thought. It's like, say you get a feeling a friend emailed you, and you check your email, and hey, there's a message from her! But, you probably got that feeling other times when there wasn't an email from her, and you just forgot those. (Generic you.)

In your case, you probably get along with your therapist because you do have certain key similarities, and those are intellectual and personality-related, and you've been together a while (over a year?). So, yeah, it makes sense you're drawn to the same design, and you like an idea from his former therapist--which book you are likely drawn to because you're a trainee therapist yourself and your therapist has been influenced by this therapist. There are all kinds of ways these "coincidences" might never have surfaced - if you hadn't shared the book (which I think is the sort of thing he encourages you to do anyway), or if you'd liked the phone case design but went with another, cheaper one, or one your daughter liked, etc.

I would be bothered if he was scared by it, too. It suggests he might be reacting more emotionally than rationally, and you don't need that. But it also just might be an in-the-moment reaction. Either way, if you need to clear the air, clear the air.

@@ - thanks for this. The 'reason' (for want of a better word) why these coincidences occurred is really interesting to me. They do seem linked to our similarities and influences, so, like you say, not completely random. And I also really like what you said about all the coincidences which could almost occur but then don't, because of a chance different decision etc. It's very true.
Interestingly, this is the first time I've ever read a book passage out to him. And if he hadn't asked me who had written it we would never have known. I wonder if he already had a suspicion when he asked.
I've actually been seeing him for 2 years and 8 months (!) That's quite astounding to me, it's certainly flown.
It did seem like an in the moment reaction and I probably don't cut him enough slack for those. He said he was okay about It, but for some reason it made me want to rip my phone case off in the moment, so that felt like quite a strong reaction from me.
Thanks so much for your thoughts.

NYC - thanks. They were just random photos relating to what I was telling him. I show him photos quite often.

[childofchaos831]

I agree with ATAT that true coincidences aren't that common, and that it is more likely these two things happened because you and your T are so similar.

Trying to put myself in your Ts shoes, I wonder if his reaction might be because he's worried that if y'all are too similar or get too close, possibly in a transference way, that it may effect the therapeutic relationship in a negative way. I see his reaction as concern more than fear. He wants what is best for you, and what you need to continue progressing in therapy, and I think he may have had a moment of worry that these similarities could hinder that.

I don't know if that rings true for you or not, but if I were him, that would be more what I was thinking.

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

I agree with ATAT that true coincidences aren't that common, and that it is more likely these two things happened because you and your T are so similar.

Trying to put myself in your Ts shoes, I wonder if his reaction might be because he's worried that if y'all are too similar or get too close, possibly in a transference way, that it may effect the therapeutic relationship in a negative way. I see his reaction as concern more than fear. He wants what is best for you, and what you need to continue progressing in therapy, and I think he may have had a moment of worry that these similarities could hinder that.

I don't know if that rings true for you or not, but if I were him, that would be more what I was thinking.

Thanks, yeah that makes a lot of sense. Actually i said maybe we just got the cases because we're quite similar people in a lot of ways and T said perhaps we should pay some attention to the ways in which we are similar, because those are the places we're likely to miss things. So that fits in with what you're saying. He wants to keep aware of those similarities to make sure they're not getting in the way of therapy.

[unaluna]

Coincidences.

I think they are just the universe's way of telling us that we are on the right path.

Seriously. Its like where they got the saying, "God helps those who help themselves."

Originally Posted by unaluna

Coincidences.

I think they are just the universe's way of telling us that we are on the right path.

Seriously. Its like where they got the saying, "God helps those who help themselves."

Your comment made me think perhaps I should be calling them synchronicities rather than coincidences

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

Your comment made me think perhaps I should be calling them synchronicities rather than coincidences

I dont know what to do with them myself. For instance, when i first started seeing this t, i saw these so cute coasters at Borders bookstore that were like mini Oriental rugs. T didnt have good coasters, but he had a nice side table, so i bought them.

He goes, "did i tell you that i always wanted a magic carpet when i was a kid? Is that why you bought these?" I remember everything, he had never said anything, but i think even today he would rather believe i lied than that it was a coincidence. But who wouldnt like tiny oriental rug coasters?!

[ruh roh]

I would call it syncronicity and a sign of working well together, as similar things have happened in my therapy and we both thought it was cool. (ex: I mentioned a book of mine I bought about 15 years ago and recently found in storage and she said I was the second person in two days to mention that book and that she had just ordered it before the other client had mentioned it. This is an old book, not a new release, so it wasn't like a trending topic.)

One of the things your therapist seems to do well is pretty thorough self-inventory. So if he is having a reaction to the two events, he's going to take his time and wonder about that. From everything you've shared about him, this is all very consistent with the things you like and can also be frustrated by--his caution and introspection. He always comes back to center, though, even if you have to prod him about it. If you need to, you can pose your own theory that a good working relationship is going to be in sync in ways that defy rational explanation.

eta: I like his observation about blind spots and that he is always wanting to do right by you.

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I would call it syncronicity and a sign of working well together, as similar things have happened in my therapy and we both thought it was cool. (ex: I mentioned a book of mine I bought about 15 years ago and recently found in storage and she said I was the second person in two days to mention that book and that she had just ordered it before the other client had mentioned it. This is an old book, not a new release, so it wasn't like a trending topic.)

One of the things your therapist seems to do well is pretty thorough self-inventory. So if he is having a reaction to the two events, he's going to take his time and wonder about that. From everything you've shared about him, this is all very consistent with the things you like and can also be frustrated by--his caution and introspection. He always comes back to center, though, even if you have to prod him about it. If you need to, you can pose your own theory that a good working relationship is going to be in sync in ways that defy rational explanation.

eta: I like his observation about blind spots and that he is always wanting to do right by you.

Ha it's true that I simultaneously like and get frustrated with his caution and introspection. I never thought of it that way before. It made me smile and it certainly explains my mixed feelings over the last few days. Perhaps I'm also simultaneously proud of and frustrated with those traits in myself! That actually rings true.
I like what he said about the blind spots too. It also gives me a sense of the direction we can take on this.
Thanks as always ruh roh

[NYC78]

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

NYC - thanks. They were just random photos relating to what I was telling him. I show him photos quite often.

awww I thought the photograph upset him or maybe he got bored, who knows but it is interesting how much thought we give into this...I include me too in here...that in session I tend to take things more personally then on the outside spaces.

Originally Posted by NYC78

awww I thought the photograph upset him or maybe he got bored, who knows but it is interesting how much thought we give into this...I include me too in here...that in session I tend to take things more personally then on the outside spaces.

I thought that when he first went quiet but it was definitely the phone case thing that bothered him. Yeah, I'm exceptionally sensitive to stuff that happens in therapy.

[Out There]

Maybe when people work closely together they tap into each others psyche. I look at coincidences and synchronicity as signs I'm on the right track.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

Thanks, yeah that makes a lot of sense. Actually i said maybe we just got the cases because we're quite similar people in a lot of ways and T said perhaps we should pay some attention to the ways in which we are similar, because those are the places we're likely to miss things. So that fits in with what you're saying. He wants to keep aware of those similarities to make sure they're not getting in the way of therapy.

I think that is a sign that he is a great T. Being able to recognize that there is a possibility of problems and keep an eye on it while not making it a bad thing up front is a wonderful trait!

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

I think that is a sign that he is a great T. Being able to recognize that there is a possibility of problems and keep an eye on it while not making it a bad thing up front is a wonderful trait!

Thanks, yeah he really is. He's always been thoughtful, insightful and tries to do the best for me.

[Anastasia~]

I think that our unconscious mind/subconscious mind works in mysterious ways. I read a book (I think it was David Wallin but am not sure) that talked about there being a shared unconscious between therapist and patient. It talked about how both the T and patient sometimes have a shared dream without either party directly talking previously about the exact makeup of the dream. Thank you for sharing your story!

[UglyDucky]

I just finished reading a scholarly article re: how thoughts of a client can be transferred to the therapist, so that they both have the same thought. It was a paper on projective identification, which is a rather primitive defense mechanism in psychoanalytic and psychotherapeutic processes. Apparently, Ts tend not to admit to how this phenomena takes place, but most are extremely interested in the subject. Perhaps, your T had some thought about this, thus his silence. You might ask him?

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

I just finished reading a scholarly article re: how thoughts of a client can be transferred to the therapist, so that they both have the same thought. It was a paper on projective identification, which is a rather primitive defense mechanism in psychoanalytic and psychotherapeutic processes. Apparently, Ts tend not to admit to how this phenomena takes place, but most are extremely interested in the subject. Perhaps, your T had some thought about this, thus his silence. You might ask him?

Thanks for this- could you share what the article was please?

[UglyDucky]

Runcible~~I'm not sure you'll be able to find this article unless you live by or have access to a university. I found the article in our private university and downloaded it. If you want to PM me your email address, I can send the article to you as an attachment. Otherwise, here's the info I have on it:

Projective identification, containment and sojourn in the psyche: Clinical notes on a specific type of transference-countertransference interaction

Author: GRIGORIS VASLAMATZIS

The Hellenic Society of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Athens, Greece

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

Runcible~~I'm not sure you'll be able to find this article unless you live by or have access to a university. I found the article in our private university and downloaded it. If you want to PM me your email address, I can send the article to you as an attachment. Otherwise, here's the info I have on it:

Projective identification, containment and sojourn in the psyche: Clinical notes on a specific type of transference-countertransference interaction

Author: GRIGORIS VASLAMATZIS

The Hellenic Society of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Athens, Greece

Thanks I do have access to an online university library so I'll check it out.